26 January 2004

Say these and be dumped

You have ended up on this date and it's not working. She has stars in her eyes and you want to beat a very quick and permanent retreat.

Sometimes it is just difficult. Somehow you have ended up on this date with a woman who will surely make someone else a very nice wife, but not you.

But she has stars in her eyes and you think she might already be planning the bridesmaid’s dresses.

There are things you can say to make her run, fully convinced that she has done herself a favour.

  • I got a discount the second time I was in rehab. But I have been clean now for six weeks and I am sure this time it’s going to work.
  • My mother is absolutely desperate for me to get married and keeps on organising dates for me. She wants six grandchildren.
  • I get bored quickly in jobs, so I tend to move around quite a lot. Same goes for places where I live.
  • I am very worried about my last girlfriend. She has been very sickly after she had the triplets. I wonder if I am paying her enough maintenance.
  • I just cannot say no to my mother.
  • I move around a lot. That way it is difficult for creditors to track me down. Would you mind paying for this if my credit card won’t go through?
  • My family all say they can’t wait to meet you. It’s been years since I took a girl home.
  • My mother really freaked out when she found the handcuffs in my room.
  • I am very nervous tonight. This is my first date since the court case ended. But I swear I was not guilty – and anyway, the bastard asked for it.
  • My mother says she can’t wait for me to get a girlfriend – she really is tired of doing my laundry.
  • I just can’t keep my flat tidy, no matter how hard I try.
  • My last girlfriend kept on complaining that I spent all my time with my friends or out surfing.
  • I really like strip shows – I have found them a real turn-on since I was twelve.
  • I think people wash their clothes and bedding far too often.
  • I live for my three Rottweilers and my Harley – in that order.
  • My ex-wife is a real psycho. Not even a court interdict keeps her away. See this scar on my face?
  • Don’t look now. That’s my parole officer. If he sees me I’m back inside.
  • If that girl comes over and asks who you are, just say this is a business meeting.
  • My dealer died last week. Do you know of anyone who could help me out?
  • Do you have any guns I could buy without going through the hassle of licensing them?

(Susan Erasmus, Health24)


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