Let’s talk... Actually, why I shouldn’t say what I like to my partner, asks Lauren Hess.
A few years ago I briefly dated a guy who would whisper all sorts of nothings to me when we became intimate. Each time he did it I would feel my insides curl up a little and let off an “urgh” in my head.
I never told him because I thought it would hurt his feelings. So when he found a note I had written to my flatmate (and not expected him to see!), detailing his latest words of annoyance, I was obviously mortified and try as I might, I couldn’t make him feel any better about it.
Maybe it would have been better if I had just told him at the very beginning, in as polite a manner as possible, that I wasn’t one for that sort of thing, we could have avoided that sorry episode.
Over the last few relationships however, as I’ve become more comfortable within myself, I’ve taken to blurting out most things that enter my brain. And I’ve felt that it’s made for better relationships. My last boyfriend and I broke up some months ago, and though my foot had an almost permanent place in my mouth throughout that relationship (at which point one of you is bound to say, “but how did you... never mind”), we’re still good friends and I view him as one of my best friends.
So when I see an article that says, “What men don’t want to hear”, my feathers get ruffled. Why should I, for example, not say to my partner that I’m not a big fan of sex? If it’s not something I like to do often, I’d want the person I’m having intimate relations with to know that. If he doesn’t like that, well then we’ll just have to find a way around it. If that means breaking up, so be it.
Also, I want someone that I’m in a long-term relationship with to know my standpoint on children. If the topic comes up, I’d like to think I can say to him, “I’m not big on little people”.
Use your voice
Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, are fluid. It will be necessary at some point to say certain things that the other person doesn’t like.
Yes, I agree that sometimes it may be necessary to use euphemisms but it’s more important, I believe, to make your partner understand where you stand on certain things. You have a voice, and whether male or female, you shouldn’t be afraid to use it.
(Lauren Hess, Health24, June 2012)
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