It's time for a wild weekend in the sack. You and your partner were separated for a month. Now you've booked a weekend in a log cabin among snowy mountains, with just a log fire, a large bed and some red wine for company. Trouble is, your back's out.
It started out as a boisterous beach game. But now your bout of beer-fuelled touch-rugby seems likely to mess up your prospects of couch-rugby. This is grim, because you just had a provocative SMS from your date about the diaphonous underwear she picked up at the airport. Take heart. All is not lost.
Fortunately the remedies for your malady may dovetail well with what you had planned for the weekend, as long as you leave the mountain-bike and the CD with the Monty Python "Lumberjack Song" at home.
Prepare and beware the beast
Firstly, try to have your back seen to before her flight touches down. Chiropractors can do wonders and it helps if your muscle tone is good, because this will help support the spine. So congratulations on swimming all those lengths, but get help with the luggage. And how much can lingerie and duty-free Godiva choccies weigh, anyway?
Once you're at the cabin, feed the log fire one piece at a time, and no chopping of wood or carrying anyone across the threshold. Opt for a modest glass of duty-free cognac, a painkiller and a bath (you made sure the cabin has a big bath, didn't you?). Adding some calendula oil to the bath will help soothe you back muscles, and the rose petals won't hurt either.
Avoid the temptation to make beast with two backs in the bath. Straining your back further in round one will only lead to disappointment and self-loathing - both emotions are counterproductive and unattractive.
Post-bath, share a deep, gentle massage. Again, the arnica oil will work well here. Deep, gentle strokes on each side of the spine, but not directly on it. By now the painkiller will have kicked in, not to mention the ambience and the lingerie.
Now, here's the er, rub.
It's really only pimply teenage boys, stallions and moustachioed porn stars named Dwayne who think that thrusting is all there is to life. Avoid the rodeo, Hank.
Oral sex remains an underused brush in many male palettes, but it gets rave reviews from the most ardent of critics. It can be foreplay or the main event.
The nested-spoons, rear-entry position is comfortable and very sexy, and it's easy on the lumbar region. You lie with your tummy against her back and say how you've missed her.
Try the sedate side-by-side position, with your leading lady leading. If you're more comfortable on your back, try a small, folded towel in the small of your back, and keep your knees bent a bit. You're allowed to smile.
Once the fireworks have subsided and you've offered to make Horlicks (or whatever your equivalent of the gentlemanly gesture is), consider topping up the hot bath and the painkiller. You might find that an ice-pack works better on your back, but that's your call. Just don't be a sissy and complain about the cold. It spoils the mood.