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Updated 12 February 2013

FAQs on low libido

The reasons for lowered sex drive vary from person to person. Our Sexologist advises four users on how to get the spark back.

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The reasons for a lowered sex drive can vary from person to person. Circumstances such as extreme sex, illness, pregnancy and problems in a relationship can lead to a dry spell. Our sexologist advises four users on how to get the spark back into their sex lives.

Q: We’ve tried marijuana to stimulate our sex drive but it doesn’t help.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months and he is the most wonderful thing in my life. i am 20 years old and have an enormous sex drive. I masturbate regularly. But my boyfriend has a low sex drive no matter how hard I try he can’t get it up and it makes me feel awkward because I have never had that problem before since I’m so keen and willing to do new things. We have tried using marijuana to stimulate our drive but it just works on me leaving me once again frustrated
Is there anything I can do to stimulate him?

Expert’s answer

This must be a frustration for you. It seems that you describe that your boyfriend has a low sex drive but you also mention that he 'can't get it up'. This could perhaps be the cause of his low desire, perhaps because of the fear of failure. It is very important that he has a check-up to find out why this is happening. There are treatment options for erectile dysfunction - both pharmaceutical and psychosexual - why not consider some of these option together to see how this can be addressed.

Read the full post here.

Q: My husband prefers to masturbate instead of having sex with me.

My husband is 37 years of age and if we only have sex about twice a month. We are very affectionate to each other, don't have kids or distractions. But if we are away on holiday, we have sex every other day. I don't get it. His job is not stressful, I have a good figure. I never say “no” but still, mostly I have to initiate sex. I know he has the sex drive or we wouldn't have sex so often on holiday. He prefers to masturbate, but when we do have sex, he says how great it is. Very confused.

Expert’s answer

The only way you can clarify your confusion is to have the conversation based on what you have written with the person with the answer - your husband. We could come up with multiple hypotheses’ as to what may be going on of which none may be correct or one may be but we would not know which. Have an open and honest conversation about your confusion with him.

Read the full post here.

Q: I hate having sex, please help.

I have a huge problem and don’t know what to do about it. I hate having sex. It’s not just now, it’s been like this for a while. My husband and I met when we were aged 20 and 21. I was still a virgin when we met. We got married at age 24 and 25. We are now aged 30 and 31 and have two toddlers. Sex has never been important to me, but we didn’t have any problems back then. I don’t enjoy it at all and just do it to please my husband. It is so bad that in this past 2 years we had sex less than 10 times. We don’t talk or fight about it, so it doesn’t come forward as a problem in our relationship. We just go about our daily routines of which sex has no part in. It is starting to bother me now because we are still very young and isn’t this supposed to be the best time of our lives? What should I do?

Expert’s response

You are describing a situation that has gone on for a long time and is in danger of becoming even further entrenched. It is impossible to answer a question of such complexity in a short posted response but the following pointers may be helpful.

1. It’s important to talk to each other so that each knows what the others expectations and feelings are around sex. There may be resentment, anger, frustration and many unspoken feelings that if not acknowledged will further worsen the problem.
2. There may be aspects of human sexuality that you would benefit from knowing more about e.g. the range of ways in which sexual pleasure can be experienced, parts of the body which are most sexually responsive etc.
3. Establish basic intimacy that is not necessarily sexual, including good communication, thoughtfulness, empathic behaviour, mutual validation and careful listening to the other.
4. Give yourselves permission to experiment and introduce novelty to your sexual experience. After several years, a couple can get stuck in a rut.
5. Make space and time to dedicate to your relationship far away from the pressures of everyday life
.

Read the full post here.

Q: My girlfriend has no sex drive, I want to have sex with random girls.

I have been in a relationship for over 4 yrs with my girlfriend. The last 12mnths sex has been erratic and haphazard. Maybe three times between the said months. I feel I want to have sex with random girls and not her. The love is unquestionable there between us, just the sex. Are we beyond help at this stage?

Expert’s response

As you can see from the posts here, it is very common to lose the erotic spark in a long-term relationship. If you are both still in love with each other and committed to the relationship then there is always hope. You however need to press the reset button. Your first step is to share with each other the commitment that you are both willing to work together to reignite your sex life. After a prolonged period where there is little sexual activity you may find that both you and your girlfriend have unspoken feelings that should be aired before you are able to reconnect sexually. If you are both committed then there is every chance you can find success. There are many ways to bring back the erotic into your relationship including devoting protected time, flirting, introduce novelty and sexually stimulating audiovisual material, the use of fantasy…whatever it takes. An excellent book you may find useful is ‘mating in captivity’ by Esther Perel. Alternatively if you have really hit a cul de sac, seek the help of an experienced sex therapist.

Read the full post here.

How do you keep the fire burning in the bedroom? Email us.

(Health24, November 2012)

(Picture: Disappointed couple from Shutterstock)

 

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