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The average bloke enjoys a downright narcissistic relationship with his penis, right down to giving it a nickname. Yet nobody claims to have you by the penis when you’re at their mercy.
Most blokes know two things about their testicles: they’re where sperm is made, and they hurt like crazy when they take a blow. But why do you get that uniquely nauseating ache? Because when you were an embryo, your testicles formed deep inside your abdomen, near your kidneys. Even now that they hang below your todger, their blood supply still comes from that region, and their nerves are connected to the spinal cord.
Still, most blokes give little thought to them. This is a pity, because they’re wondrous things. They hang, for instance, on the outside of your body so that they can stay cool, and your seed along with them.
One hangs lower than the other so that they can be pushed together without being crushed. They also have little muscles dedicated to them, called cremasteric muscles, which pull the testicles closer to your body when you wade into the waters of Clifton’s Fourth Beach, and during lovemaking.
So what can you do to care for these little packages of manhood? Firstly, protect them from sudden blows. If they take a swipe, your best bet is to fall over and groan in pain. Applying a bag of ice to them won’t be much fun, but it’ll reduce the inflammation. But if there’s swelling, see a doctor.
There are a number of bad things that can happen to your testicles, and the thought of any of these should make you break out in a cold sweat. One of the more common problems is testicular cancer, which affects mostly men between 20 and 34. After that, your chances of developing it decrease.
The earlier testicular cancer is detected the better, which is why self-examination is so important. After a hot shower, roll – gently, don’t knead - each testicle gently between your thumb and forefinger, checking for any lumps, which are usually found on the sides – and sometimes the front – of the testicle. If you feel anything out of the ordinary, see a doctor.
Not that many blokes get testicular cancer; a more common complaint is testicular torsion, where the testicle gets twisted and the blood supply gets cut off. Specifically, the spermatic cord, from which the testicle hangs, gets cut off.
And you’ll know there’s something wrong because it may be the most severe pain you’ve ever felt - even worse than listening to Westlife. You may have as little as four hours before the testicle dies from lack of oxygen, so treat it as an emergency.
There are other, less common problems affecting your nuts, but here’s one last way to protect them: don’t take steroids. They can shrink your sex drive and your testicles. When you think about it, the subconscious knowledge that your balls are shrinking as your biceps grow may explain a few things about steroid rage. – (William Smook)
