Will my partner's piercings hurt me, can desire survive a big age-gap, and how much do you really know about vasectomies? The Sexologist answers some very real questions.
Q: Sex with overweight husband
How do satisfy your husband if he is 60 kg's overweight and does not want you to touch him? Does he masturbate at 49 years of age? He sleeps in another room. I gave up with the sex thing. I'm only staying because of my child. He is a good dad. Can I give him an ultimatum: lose your weight in one year or I go?!
A: By the sound of it your relationship is in dire need of some kind of intervention. I would recommend that you consider the possibility of seeking the assistance and guidance from a psychologist – hopefully both of you will go, but he does not want to go with you will still find benefit going alone.
You have a child and you would like any decision and reactions to be as constructive as possible. You might consider some kind of shock treatment like setting ultimatums; but be prepared for his choice to do nothing about his weight and that you then have to act on your ultimatum. What is evident is that you are unhappy in this space you are in, and you need some guidance and assistance to get to a place that is good for you and your child. Regarding the masturbation – If you are not having sex the probability of him masturbating is highly probable.
Q: Bipolar and sex-drive
I am 28 years old and I find it very hard to reach climax these days. I was diagnosed with bipolar over a year ago but this problem only started happening recently
Here is a list of meds I take:
A: The fact that your medications are central nervous system suppressants means that their side effects can impact on how your nervous system processes pleasure sensations. For women this can culminate in anorgasmia - the term used for difficulties in achieving orgasm.
Q: Risky sex
My boyfriend is HIV positive and we don't use a condom during sexual encounters, but he doesn't ejaculate inside me. We've tried this for three years now and I'm wondering: are there any dangers as far as this is concerned? The reason we are doing this is that most types of condoms give me sore. I do get an HIV test four times a year. Please advise on the risks associated with this.
A: You may have a latex allergy which is why you are battling with condoms. Latex allergy is not uncommon amongst people. Fortunately these days there are several alternative (non latex) condoms on the market. It is however to educate yourself with regards the pro and cons of each to ensure that you are informed. The following link might do for interesting reading - http://sexuality.about.com/od/contraception/a/condomlatexalle.htm. Furthermore it is advised to seek professional advice from your medical doctor to make sure that you have diagnosed yourself correctly and that there is not another underlying infection present. It is best to be careful.
Q: Testicular cancer
I was wondering, if I go to my doctor to test for testicular cancer, how does he check?
Does he use a similar method to the self examination?
A: Yes, it is a similar method, but he can do also other investigations. If you suspect testicular cancer, it is important that you consult your doctor as soon as possible!
Q: Painful sex
I was diagnosed with an enlarged uterus (Adenomyosis). This is also affecting our sex life to such an extent that I avoid having sex with my husband because it is too sore. If we do have intercourse I do not orgasms like I used to (G-Spot). Is it possible that the enlarged uterus is “ blocking” my G-spot? I was told that I must go for a hysterectomy. Will a hysterectomy solve this problem?
A: I am sorry to hear that you are having such discomfort. It is well known that if you are anticipating pain when you have intercourse that your normal sexual responses may be affected.
As I am not a gynaecologist, it is not possible for me to advise you regarding the diagnosis of adenomyosis. You need to be guided by your gynaecologist as to what treatment is best for you.
Q: Will my boyfriend's piercings hurt me?
My boyfriend and I are both in our 30's, but have not yet had sex. We intend to do the deed when we go away next weekend. I'm concerned about his penis piercings though. He has a ring in the glans and a stud in the shaft. Although I'm not a virgin, I haven't had sex for a long time, and I want our weekend to be special. But I'm concerned that his "jewellry" might hurt me. I've already had my contraceptive injection and bought sexy lingerie, and I can hardly wait anymore, but what should I expect from the piercings? I've seen them and they look interesting, but rather intimidating.
A: Piercings on genitalia are designed to enhance pleasure for both the person with the piercing as well, as the sexual partner.
However you always have the right to ask for the sexual intercourse to be taken slower until you have relaxed enough or add more lubrication. You have the right of choice and decisions over your own body.
Maybe playing a bit with the piercings and touching them as part of foreplay might decrease the intimidation.
Q: How does age impact desire?
I am 29 years of age and my husband is 41.
We've been married for 6 years, and for the past year I've noticed he is no longer as6 interested in love- making as before. I've tried to look after myself and look as sexy as before. I love him, but I'm getting tired of this attitude.
A: Age can have an impact on the amount of times that partners seek closeness through sexual intercourse. The focus from sexual intercourse tends to shift more to sexual intimacy as people tend to get older. It could also be that your partner is under a huge amount of stress.
It might be worth the while to make sure that his health is up to scratch. Maybe you could spend investing more time into sexual intimacy rather than sex as such. It might be worth it for the two of you to seek the professional guidance from a psychologist as it often happens that the individuals change as they grow deeper into the relationship and it might need for the two of you to seek redefine your relationship in exciting ways.
I'm thinking of getting a vasectomy, but I need to know the following:
What are the risks?
What are the requirements?
How will my interest in sex be affected, if at all?
Will there be a change in my ejaculation fluid?
How long before my vasectomy can I have sex? Is it still ok the day before my op?
Lastly, how long after the operation will I have to wait before I'll be able to have intercourse again?
A: I will just briefly outline the info required; the doctor that will offer you the surgery will outline in further detail.
1. your interest in sex will not be affected. A vasectomy only cuts or knots the vas deferens of each testicle. In this sense, your testicles will continue to produce sperm and testosterone (an important hormone for your sex drive). The only difference is that the sperm cannot flow into the vas deferens. You will still be able to ejaculate, but your ejaculatory fluid will contain no sperm.
As for sex before the procedure - no problem. The main issue with vasectomy is how long after the op until you can have unprotected sex...before is no issue as long as you still use protection. Regarding after, your doctor will give you the correct information
Q: Over-sensitive glans
My boyfriend's over-sensitive glans is hindering our lovemaking. How do I deal with this?
A: I presume that your boyfriend has premature ejaculation.
Emla cream applied to the glans approximately 1/2 to 1 hour before sex will assist. The cream must be washed off before sex. Allergic reactions to the cream are possible and must be monitored. The application of Emla cream must be onto the frenulum and up the sides of the glans. A consultation with a doctor would be a good prerequisite to understand the process properly.
For more information, visit the Sex Centre
Send questions in to the Sexologist
(Joanne Hart, Health24, January 2012)