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Updated 26 September 2013

The trap of male sexuality

For many men, orgasm means "going", rather than "coming", writes Jonti Searll. This needn't be the case as men can learn how to stay in an orgasmic state for much longer.

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I have been very fortunate from a personal point of view in being able to examine my own sexuality very closely. This came about as result of the path that I chose to follow in work terms, i.e. teaching in the field of sex and sensuality.

One of the understandings that had a major impact on me was learning the difference between orgasm and ejaculation. They are not the same thing, but two separate processes. This allows a man to have more than one orgasm, in fact men are capable of multiple orgasms and being in orgasmic states for a long time rather than the short-lived spurt of excitement we’ve become addicted to. It also means that you can stay awake after sex because it’s the ejaculation that wipes you out, not the orgasm.

Great sex without orgasm
The second big thing I learned was that I didn’t have to have an orgasm or ejaculation for sex to be fulfilling. It’s more about a patterned response than anything else. So much emphasis has been placed on orgasm, sex having become a goal–oriented activity rather than a pleasure activity. The goal is orgasm, rather than the goal being pleasure.

We deem sex to have been successful when both parties involved, (hopefully), have an orgasm or three. After that it’s game over. My joke is that it should be called ‘going’ for men, not ‘coming’, because after that, we’re out of here. It also means that sex ends. Once we’ve had an orgasm, that’s it, we’re finished, it’s over.

In the East they understood the difference between orgasm and ejaculation thousands of years ago and taught men techniques of sexual control.

As I was writing a programme for helping with premature ejaculation, I realised that the real value is in teaching men how to have greater sexual control, to make orgasm a conscious choice rather than a series of muscle contractions that squeeze some cool sensations out of our pelvis and leave us wiped out.

In the East, they also understood that men and women’s sexual cycles are very different. Women often need and want longer sex, they need the time to go up that wonderful pleasure slope and be able to reach the peaks of pleasure.

So what did we do?
We made the clitoris the prime source of women’s sexual pleasure. We started limiting the pleasure possibilities.

It wasn’t so long ago that many people in the traditional health fields denied the existence of internal or vaginal orgasms. It was the clit or nothing. We lost out on the awesome pleasure of penetration, for men and women.

Now we’re happy, most of us anyway, to acknowledge clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, G-spot orgasms, even cervical orgasms, female ejaculation and more. And in the process we’ve limited the kind of orgasms we experience as men. We’ve limited ourselves to about 20 seconds.

Something that never occurred to me before has just struck me, how inextricably linked male and female sexuality is. We limit one, we limit the other.

We free ourselves, we learn more sexual techniques, we expand our sensual horizons, we give ourselves greater sexual possibility and freedom, and we do the same for our women.

Possibilities for men?
Firstly, you can have two or three or more orgasms during sex while not ejaculating, each one becoming more intense.

You can learn enough sexual control to have sex as long as you, and your partner, would like, without necessarily having an orgasm, getting close, spreading that amazing feeling through your body so your entire body becomes a pulsating sex organ, not just your penis.

You can spend time in that pre-orgasm zone that leaves you on an edge that takes your breath away. You can have ejaculatory orgasms that are almost double the length of time and feel so deep inside of you. You can truly expand your pleasure, as well as that of your partner.

You can liberate yourself from experiencing a conditioned body response to being a sexual god swimming in the fullness of the sea of pleasure.

It takes some time, some learning, some practice, some putting the ego aside for a while. But what possibilities, what magnificent men we can be! 

(Picture: sexy lovers from Shutterstock)

 
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