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Updated 17 March 2014

Mistakes men make in bed

You've got her as far as your bedroom. What could possibly go wrong now? Many things - read these and find out why she never phoned or returned your calls.

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You've got her as far as your bedroom. What could possibly go wrong now? Many things - read these and find out why she never phoned or returned your calls.
  • Not shaving. Like love, stubble hurts. When you drag your chin across her face or thighs, she might not be moaning from pleasure, but from pain.
  • Blowing in her ear. There’s a big difference between erotic whispering in someone’s ear and huffing and puffing as if you want to blow the house down.
  • Twiddling her nipples. Nipples are sensitive and should be treated gently. They should not be treated like radio dials.
  • Ignoring the rest of her body. A woman is made up of more than two breasts and a vagina. Pay attention to the rest of her.
  • Not disposing of used condoms. This is the responsibility of the person who wore it.
  • Not kissing first. Foreplay starts with passionate kissing. Don’t skip this part – she will feel neglected by your apparent haste.
  • Attacking the clitoris. Be gentle and don’t use direct pressure. This could be both uncomfortable and painful.
  • Stopping for a break. Women cannot pick up where they left off. In this respect they are different from men. If you stop, she will go back to square one very quickly.
  • Taking your pants off first. There are few things less attractive than a man in only socks, a shirt and underpants.
  • Going too fast. Remember this is not an Olympic event. There is no need for you to pump away like a hydraulic power tool. Build up slowly – and you both might have more fun.
  • Asking if she has come. You should be able to tell, shouldn’t you? If you can’t, assume that she hasn’t.
  • Nudging her head down. All women hate this. There is an element of desperation involved here when men do this. For women, it’s a very short step from being dragged to a cave by the hair. If both of you enjoy oral sex, this will happen by itself. Don’t involve an element of force.
  • Taking pictures. Her first thought will be “Who do you want to show them to?”
  • Giving love bites. Gentle suction on the sides of the neck can be highly erotic, but love bites can be painful and lead to infections. Who wants to wear scarves and polo necks in the middle of the summer?
  • Squashing her. Just remember that most men weigh more than women do. If you lie too heavily on her, she might stop breathing.
  • Talking dirty. This might make you sound like a desperate sex caller on a payline. Listen to her first – if she doesn’t talk dirty, don’t.
  • Don’t thank a woman for having sex with you. It makes you sound desperate and like a charity case. She won’t be back for more.

(Picture: couple embracing from Shutterstock)

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