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A user's post this week highlights a serious problem: a family member who simply refuses to work and sponges off everyone else – and is rude to all of them on top of everything else.
Read her post here.
So what does one do in a situation such as this one? It's difficult for us to refuse to help family. We have a heightened sense of responsibility towards them, we love them, and simply forgive them their transgressions more easily than we do those of other people.
But some people abuse this.
But we need to distinguish carefully between someone with a real problem, such as bipolar disorder, or a sudden divorce or retrenchment, and someone who is just downright lazy.
Many families contain a skilled manipulator, who knows how to gather round the enablers in the family group. Their behaviour falls into the category of what is called "learned helplessness". Often they are well-qualified and capable, but just don't much feel like working. Even if they have no qualifications, they could still deliver pizzas, wash cars, do babysitting – whatever. But why should they if someone else is footing the bill and taking all the responsibility?
I know we have a high unemployment rate, but rather than mooch around in front of the TV, and smoking endless cigarettes someone else has paid for, it would be a good idea to go and do some voluntary work – at least in that way one gets some experience to put on a CV.
This is where the notion of "tough love" comes in. In short, what it comes down to is that if we really love someone, we will not protect them from the consequences of their decisions. If you're too lazy to work, a night or two under the bridge might change your mind. There's nothing like being hungry and cold to motivate anyone hugely.
By saying no, and not giving in to the inevitable emotional blackmail, you are doing that person the biggest favour imaginable. Sure, they'll be seriously miffed, but so what? Think about the alternative: an albatross around your neck for the next few decades. And no, this person will not get things together by themselves until you learn to say no. They don't feel like doing it, because life is so much easier if someone else takes responsibility for them.
But what about you, your financial situation, your emotional well-being? Think about it, because these are the last things on the manipulator's mind. All they think of is what they can get out of you. To them, you are an ATM on legs.
Tough love is also applicable to situations where you are dealing with drug addicts, alcoholics, kids who won't leave the nest and so forth. Don't be scared to make rules and to stick to them– and whatever you do, don't cave in to demands.
Be strong – you're doing it for yourself and the other person, even though it's difficult right now.
Are you struggling with a "needy" family member? Share your story with us.
Read her post here.
So what does one do in a situation such as this one? It's difficult for us to refuse to help family. We have a heightened sense of responsibility towards them, we love them, and simply forgive them their transgressions more easily than we do those of other people.
But some people abuse this.
But we need to distinguish carefully between someone with a real problem, such as bipolar disorder, or a sudden divorce or retrenchment, and someone who is just downright lazy.
Many families contain a skilled manipulator, who knows how to gather round the enablers in the family group. Their behaviour falls into the category of what is called "learned helplessness". Often they are well-qualified and capable, but just don't much feel like working. Even if they have no qualifications, they could still deliver pizzas, wash cars, do babysitting – whatever. But why should they if someone else is footing the bill and taking all the responsibility?
I know we have a high unemployment rate, but rather than mooch around in front of the TV, and smoking endless cigarettes someone else has paid for, it would be a good idea to go and do some voluntary work – at least in that way one gets some experience to put on a CV.
This is where the notion of "tough love" comes in. In short, what it comes down to is that if we really love someone, we will not protect them from the consequences of their decisions. If you're too lazy to work, a night or two under the bridge might change your mind. There's nothing like being hungry and cold to motivate anyone hugely.
By saying no, and not giving in to the inevitable emotional blackmail, you are doing that person the biggest favour imaginable. Sure, they'll be seriously miffed, but so what? Think about the alternative: an albatross around your neck for the next few decades. And no, this person will not get things together by themselves until you learn to say no. They don't feel like doing it, because life is so much easier if someone else takes responsibility for them.
But what about you, your financial situation, your emotional well-being? Think about it, because these are the last things on the manipulator's mind. All they think of is what they can get out of you. To them, you are an ATM on legs.
Tough love is also applicable to situations where you are dealing with drug addicts, alcoholics, kids who won't leave the nest and so forth. Don't be scared to make rules and to stick to them– and whatever you do, don't cave in to demands.
Be strong – you're doing it for yourself and the other person, even though it's difficult right now.
Are you struggling with a "needy" family member? Share your story with us.
