How they work
It's happened to all of us. We see a cricket player take a direct hit from an off-spinner and chuckle ruefully. Men know that even a glancing blow can be excruciating. Your testicles are two rubbery but extremely fragile 'eggs' hanging side-by-side in arguably the ugliest but most functional device in the human body. The scrotum is built for function, not fashion, a gnarled, leathery pouch that can instantly move your testicles closer to or further away from you. It does this to protect them and to regulate their temperature.

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Your testicles produce testosterone, that much-maligned chemical that’s blamed for everything from bad taste in large cars to brawls at rugby matches. They started production while you were still in the womb and convinced your tiny body to start developing male characteristics, such as a penis and a penchant for beer.

Testosterone gets a lot of bad press, but researchers are now finding that high levels of it make us energetic, friendly, easygoing and sexy, rather like a Teddy Pendergrass CD. It’s the low levels of testosterone that make men techy, frigid and prone to road rage.

Puberty is a busy time for your testicles: they pump industrial levels of testosterone into your bloodstream, triggering hair growth and fantasies about the girls' netball team. By middle age our testosterone levels have dropped by a third, but your ability to make babies remains. So-called male menopause is not nearly the same sort of milestone as it is in women.

What can go wrong
Having it off: testicular cancer is the only major disease affecting the testicles and the good news is that about 90% of cases are cured. There are two sorts of testicular cancer: one is treated with radiation and the other with a cocktail of chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. If the thought of having a scalpel near your balls makes you squirm, relax. If you get testicular cancer, chances are you’ll have a testicle removed. The good news is that people are unlikely to know unless you tell them. A prosthetic testicle can be inserted and you can have testosterone shots to make up the hormonal shortfall. It’s fairly unusual for a man to lose both testicles to cancer, but if you like to play around with White House interns, watch out for jealous husbands of Mediterranean temperament.

A turn for the worse: torsion occurs when a testicle gets twisted inside the scrotum and the vessel that supplies it with blood gets kinked. If this happens you’ll be in enough pain to know about it. See a doctor. If the vessel stays twisted the testicle could atrophy. The doctor may want to stitch the wayward orb to the wall of the scrotum to prevent it twisting again.

That sinking inkling: you were only in port for a night and she whispered sweet nothings in your ear. Maybe the inflammation and pain in your crotch is a result of carrying her up the stairs, or a result of what happened when you reached the top. Inflammation or infection of the epididymis – that tangled mass of ducting behind the testicles – can have a number of causes, including heavy lifting and chlamydia, a sexually transmitted bacterial infection. It’s treated with antibiotics. Take the full course, Casanova.

Sloshing around: sperm or water can accumulate in sacs within the scrotum. If they become large enough to be a problem they’re removed surgically.

What you can do to look after them

• Feel them. While taking a warm shower, gently feel your testicles for lumps and abnormalities. Place your index and middle fingers underneath and your thumbs on top of a testicle. Roll it between your fingers. They should have a rubbery, smooth consistency, like hard-boiled eggs. If you encounter tenderness, lumps or hardness, see your doctor.
• Give ’em space. Loose underwear gives them breathing room. Not everyone prefers boxer shorts to briefs, but whatever your choice, make sure your furniture has room.
• Avoid injury. Wear a protective cup if you play a contact sport. If they take a knock, some ice wrapped in a towel will help. And yes, you’ll have our sympathy.
• Go to gym. General fitness can cut your risk of testicular cancer tenfold.
• Eat well. A fatty diet can interfere with testosterone production and low testosterone levels can leave you feeling like Mike Tyson.

Myths and misconceptions
It’s not true that losing one or both means you’ll start behaving like Michael Jackson. Prosthetics and injections can keep your ego and ardour intact even if your nutbag isn’t.

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