You don’t usually give me much of an ear until I really start complaining very loudly, so I am going to make full use of this opportunity. It doesn’t come around often. But if you don’t listen to me, I can flatten you completely, so please pay attention while we can still have a straight talk. In short, I won’t stab you in the back, if you just give me the backup I need.
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7 am. You have just got out of bed after a night’s sleep. I, however, got little rest, as the muscles worked overtime to keep your spine in place on the sagging mattress on which you insist sleeping. Well actually, it is the bed itself, not the mattress, which is the problem. It resembles a hammock. Do you want to end up looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Why not just put the mattress on the floor if you can’t afford a new one right now? This will give me a bit of a rest too at night.
7. 05 am. Thanks for the nice long stretch you gave me. The quick jog to the corner café to get the paper was also a great help and I felt quite a bit better after these two things.
7.45 am Would it be any skin off your teeth to move your seat a notch or two forward? The half an hour you sit in the traffic listening to the radio, I am stretched to the limit to get to the clutch and the brake pedals.
8 am. Thank goodness you work for a decent company now, who didn’t skimp when they bought their office furniture. Have you got any idea what the old plastic bucket seat in your last job did to me?
9.30 am. SIT UP STRAIGHT. Must you slouch like that? Didn’t your mother tell you to sit up straight? OK, OK, she was also always telling you to wear a jersey, I know, but on this one thing she was right. Take my word for it.
9.45 am. Yes, that’s it. Move the computer and keyboard a bit closer. Aahhh. Now I can relax a bit.
11.45 am Please take me for a walk. I have now been sitting here for almost four hours. Oh good. Going to the toilet, are you? That’s at least a hundred paces away. Bit of a break for me.
12.30 pm .O joy, o rapture. Meeting your friend for lunch five blocks away? This must be my lucky day. All the way there and all the way back. I am jumping for joy.
15.40 pm. Please give me a stretch. Right in the chair where you are sitting. I can’t hold on much longer. Come on, come on. That’s better. And another one. Good.
17.15 Are we going home to the TV or are we going to the gym? Am I pushing my luck here? Gym it is. Please be gentle with me. Don’t jump straight in to high-impact aerobics. I need a bit of a warm-up first. Oh, this feels so good. You don’t know what a difference this makes to me. More, more. Thanks a million.
20.17 The TV it is. But I will forgive you, because you took me to the gym. I suppose everyone has the right to lie on a couch watching TV after working all day. But must you watch this programme again? My favorite is “Back to the future”. It’s on the other channel. Oh well….you can’t have it all, I suppose
10. 46 It’s me and the mattress again. I wish I could set fire to it behind your back. The money you are going to end up spending on doctors to fix me is going to be a lot more than a new bed will cost you. Sleep tight, but I don’t think I will. Can I make a suggestion about what you should do with your Christmas bonus? If I ask really nicely?
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