With the holidays looming, the crowded streets, beaches, bars, clubs and car parks will be awash with festive cheer, along with a good deal of aggression. Do all you can to avoid it. But what if there’s no way out?
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A judo expert who broke the neck of the man who attacked him recently has been charged with murder. That’s how seriously the law treats violence, even when it’s committed by people who defend themselves.
So if someone has a go at you, whether it’s because they’re drunk or have criminal intentions, your primary obligation is to flee. The police prefer live witnesses to dead heroes. But there are situations where that’s simply not possible.
Many guys will also opt to defend their loved ones with whatever comes to hand. The law may be inclined to look favourably on broken fingers rather than a broken neck. But if someone really has hostile intentions, then inflicting intense pain may be the only way to end it.
And if your assailant has you or your loved one cornered and is clearly intent on hurting you, start your response by dispensing with the Queensberry Rules of fighting. Hurt whatever part of his anatomy it takes to dissuade him from hurting you. Here are a few ways to do it:
He grabs you from behind. Your elbow is harder than most parts of his anatomy, so swing back as hard as you can. Connecting with his solar plexus is fine as long as it’s hard enough to wind him. Swing back high enough and you might catch his throat or his chin – also good. Swinging your hand back and grabbing his testicles for a squeeze and twist can be surprisingly effective. Just follow this up with something like a kick to the side of the knee, because if all you’ve done is bruised his balls you’re in bigger trouble than ever.
He grabs your collar with both hands. You have at least four choices here. The first is to twist suddenly from the waist, using the momentum to propel your elbow into his face. The best target is the nose, whether by uppercut or a side-on blow, but connecting with the jaw or eye area will work too. It’ll hurt him. Choice number two is to grab his head with one hand on his chin and twist hard. It’ll feel as if his neck is breaking, which is possible if you twist hard and far enough. Chances are he’ll let go before then. Choice number three is to whip both hands up inside his, then force them outwards. That’ll break his grip on your collar and get his hands away from your face. Then you can grab one of his hands, twist and drop to one knee. Do it fast enough and you’ll jerk him off balance and wrench his shoulder. Administer a swift kick and leave. Choice number four is simply to kick him as hard as you can in the knee or groin. When he falls over, following it up with a kick to the ankle will provide non-lethal dissuasion to most thugs.
He puts you in a headlock. The World Wrestling Federation oafs make this look like something out of the Spanish Inquisition, and it can be if your assailant has time to squeeze your neck or run you head-first into a wall. Don’t allow that to happen. Instead, bring up the arm that’s closest to his face and put your finger and thumb under his nose. Push up hard. It’ll take his eyes off you. You can use your other free hand to grab his crotch and make his eyes water. Alternatively, push your thumb into his eye. He’ll move away in a hurry. Run.
He grabs your wrist. the secret here is the speed with which you pull back your arm until he’s off balance. Use your other hand to pull and twist his arm up and back until it’s past being comfortable. Keep twisting until he realises it’s better to leave you alone.
Having read all the above you might be feeling like a bit of a jock – read “jerk”. Don’t look for trouble. If you’re tempted to, remember the following:
Pick a fight and you could lose it, or an eye, or your life;
You could go to jail or to court. A criminal record stays with you for life;
You could get a reputation: if you were genuinely saving a one-legged midget grandmother from a glue-crazed, knife-wielding attorney, you might get thumb’s up from your boss. If not, he or she might begin to regard you as a bit of a lout. That’s not good image to have when it’s time to tell you that your laptop’s not being upgraded this year. So wherever possible, walk away.
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