Your partner dislikes using the pill. Neither of you are wild about using condoms. You don’t want any more kids, but are looking for safe, healthy contraception methods. Here’s the most grown-up thing you can do.

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You don’t sow wild oats. You’re not in the habit of making babies on a whim or anywhere else. You’re in a long-term relationship and are acutely aware of how much time and money even one child takes.

Many South African men feel as you do, but just as many are reluctant to accept real responsibility for contraception.

Yes, a pill for men is on the way. But it won’t be ready next month, or even next year, during which time you hope to get up close and personal with your partner at least once.

A few years ago, most men would have considered it er, inconceivable, to be sterilized. The word carried images of asexual beings, robbed of their gender through some hormonal sabotage, reduced to pale androgyny, rather like David Bowie in the early ‘70s.

Never worry again
Not so. A short, simple, safe and painless procedure enables you to retain your bull-like masculinity, while eliminating the risk of making babies. Consider that the alternative is spending the rest of your life with some nagging concern that you might be spawning unwanted heirs. The alternative – if you’re in a monogamous relationship – is never having to worry about protection again.

In surgical terms the vasectomy is almost a non-event. Take the afternoon off. This will mean around half an hour in a clinic and the rest of the day to celebrate your freedom. Government hospitals do them for free if you don’t have a medical aid but they have waiting lists. And if you do have a medical aid it’s likely that they’ll pay for it.

Nowadays vasectomies are done by specialist urologists, so your GP is likely to refer you to one. They’re done under local anaesthetic, so you won’t need to spend the night in hospital or to starve yourself.

You’ll be washed down gently while staring contemplatively at the ceiling. A tiny – around a centimeter long – cut will be made in your scrotum.

Painless
The vas deferens - the tube connected the testes to the urethra - is tied off and a small section cut out. One self-dissolving stitch is put in the scrotum and you walk out again.

That’s it. You’ll feel a little tender in the trouser department for a day or two, but a vasectomy involves far less pain and discomfort than having a tooth filled. You should avoid participation in skydiving, all-in wrestling or ice hockey for 48 hours after the procedure, but are welcome to watch any of these on TV.

For three months after the procedure you’ll be required to use some additional form of contraception, until there are no active sperm left that could result in an earnest discussion between you and your partner. You’ll be required to undergo a test to ensure that all is going according to plan.

Don’t underestimate the benefits to your sex life of not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy. Theoretically, you could have some of your sperm frozen, so that you can make more babies after your vasectomy.

It’s a win-win situation, as the Americans say: no high-pitched voices, no sprouting of mammalian protuberances. Your legendary bull-like sexuality will remain intact, as will the volume of liquid your ejaculate and the volume of the accompanying chorus. - (William Smook)
 

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