There is a third great equaliser of people – apart from death and taxes – and that is the need to use toilets. Public ones.

Toilets in aeroplanes, at work, in schools, dodgy restaurants, hotels, backyards, filling stations, caravans and workyards.

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Toilets are things which one takes for granted, until they're not there. And you're between nowhere and the end of the world. Or you need the toilet so desperately, the sweat is beading off your forehead and there are 12 people in the queue in front of you.

Or you're camping somewhere between a sand dune and the end of the world and the toilet consists of a little spade in the bottom of your rucksack. And the toilet paper is still growing on the nearest tree.

But when you've gotta go, you've gotta go.

In some circumstances, one is almost grateful in having to share a long drop with only one scorpion and a trio of hairy spiders. Or you're hoping that the floor is wet, because it has just been washed – but somehow you don't think so.

So how do you safeguard yourself?

Call a spade a spade.
If you have to choose between the Great Outdoors and a really dodgy toilet that looks as if it has not been cleaned since the days bellbottoms were in fashion the first time, choose the spade. Just make sure you don't have an audience, like those waiting for the number 62 bus.

Wipe wet toilet seats. It may be water, but it may not. Why expose yourself unnecessarily to infection? Bacteria lurk in their millions in dirty public toilets. Men are lucky – they can use urinals, but women can't. Men are also more inclined to use the Great Outdoors as a giant toilet.

Cover up. Cover the seat with toilet paper before you sit down. Some public restrooms have special toilet seat covers in plastic, but again Murphy's law rules – the ones where you really need these, never have any.

Wear shoes. Wet toilet and shower floors can harbour all sorts of nasties, such as Plantar's warts. If you have cuts or sores on your feet, these can also easily become infected. Wear thick rubber-soled shoes.

The lonely loo. Toilets on beaches or shopping centres can sometime be quite deserted. Check out who's lurking in the area before you go in. Or even better, take someone with you.

Wash hands. Even in your own home, this should never be omitted. Handwashing after going to the toilet kills off lots of nasties. Beware of dodgy-looking towels – they are veritable bacteria nests.

Toilet paper. If you are camping, jogging, overseas, on a cycling trip, or travelling between a rock and a hard place – for heavens' sake, take your own. There is nothing quite as grim as finding the toilet just in time, and then spotting the empty toilet paper roll.

Be prepared to pay. In foreign countries, it is often worth your while to fork out some coins in order to use a clean and pleasant toilet without queues. It already costs you so much to be there, the last thing you want to do is to spend half your time in toilet queues.

Check who's in there. Before you go into a toilet, make sure something or someone is not lurking in there. An unsuspecting tourist recently found a lioness in a ladies' toilet in a game park! While this is not really a possibility in the suburbs, it is nevertheless prudent to check first. Who wants nasty surprises anyway? – (Susan Erasmus, Health24)

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