29 August 2008

The best jokes

A while ago, Health24 editor, Heather Parker, asked for readers' best jokes. Here they are.


A while ago, when we seemed to be a gloomy nation, Health24 editor Heather Parker posted a newsletter and blog about that peculiar thing called laughter (remember it?). She asked for Health24 readers’ best jokes.

Laughter reportedly reduces stress, lifts your mood, boosts your immune system, helps control blood pressure, and produces an increase in heart rate that is equivalent to 10 minutes on a rowing machine or 15 on an exercise bike.

These are among the (family-friendly) jokes Health24 readers submitted:

  • Two bats hanging upside down on a big old tree are chatting about their fears. 'You know what I fear most about old age?’ asks the first bat. 'No, what is it?’ asks the second bat. The first one replies: 'Incontinence.’ - Lucia Swanepoel
  • A white horse strolls into a bar, and ambles up to the counter. He nods to the barman, and says: 'Scotch, please. Better make it a double. Been a hard day.’ The barman does a double-take, but pours the drink and places it on the counter in front of the white horse. 'Five bucks, please. Hey, do you know we have a whisky named after you?’ 'What?’ says the white horse, incredulously. 'You've got a scotch called Eric?!’ – Graham
  • A man is lost in the desert and severely dehydrated. As he collapses to the ground, he sees an Eskimo on a sled with eight huskies running past. He closes his eyes at what is obviously a mirage. But then he hears a voice: the Eskimo and his huskies have pulled up beside him. With his dying breath he gasps: 'Help me! I’m lost!’ To which the Eskimo replies: 'You think you're lost!’ – Su Quinn
  • A serial killer walks through a dark scary wood with his next victim. 'Oh, this is scary,’ says the victim. 'You think you're scared?’ says the serial killer. 'I still have to walk back alone!’ – Sandra
  • The Queen invites Robert Mugabe to tea and a chat about the state of his country’s economy. She says to him: 'Bob, if you want to turn the country around, you have to surround yourself with clever advisors.’ Bob thinks for a minute, and then says: 'But how do you know if your advisors are clever or not?’ The Queen summons Gordon Brown and says to him: 'Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother, nor your sister. Who is it?’ Gordon fires back, 'It's me!’ 'You see,’ says the Queen, 'if you surround yourself with clever people, you will turn Zimbabwe around.’ Bob heads back to Zim and summons Patrick Chinamasa to see him. He asks Patrick, 'Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother, nor your sister. Who is it?’ Patrick scratches his head and says he will have to get back to Bob. The following day Patrick has a meeting with Thabo Mbeki. He asks Thabo, 'Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother, nor your sister. Who is it?’ Thabo says, 'That's me!’ Patrick returns to Bob and says, 'The answer to your riddle, Mr President, is Thabo Mbeki.’ Bob stands up in a rage and shouts, 'No you idiot, it is Gordon Brown.’ – Gizelle de Ponte
  • In an archeological dig in America, the Americans found cable at 100 feet. At a press conference, they gave the following statement: 'We have found cable at 100 feet; thus our ancestors were already using telephones 1000 years ago.’ Not to be outdone, the Russians order a dig in Siberia and at 200 feet they find some optical fibre. At their press release, they pointed out that their ancestors were using far more modern utensils 2000 years ago than the Americans did 1000 years ago. So the South African government decides to launch an archeological dig. At 5000 feet they still had not found anything. So they called a media conference and stated the following: '5000 years ago our ancestors were already using cellphones’. – Tanya

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(Health24, August 2008)


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