Steps in same-sex attraction

Compared to the "development" of a heterosexual identity, a norm requiring little conscious thought or effort, the attempt to develop a healthy and viable bi- or homosexual identity is often a draining, secretive, anxiety producing and lonely task for most adolescents.

The growing awareness of feelings of same sex attraction often gives rise to a great many challenges for the individual.

These challenges have been variously described by numerous researches (Cass, 1979; Lewis, 1984; Troiden, 1989). However, all describe a progression from confusion, through exploration to synthesis or integration of a homosexual identity. In the most well known of these models, Cass (1979) identifies six stages of identity formation: confusion, comparison, tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis.

The duration of the process of identity consolidation can vary from one individual to the next:

• Some adolescents consolidate their identity at an early age.
• Others do not do this until late adolescence.
• Others only consolidate during adulthood.
• Some never consolidate a positive sexual identity.

Identity formation refers to the process we go through in consolidating our identity as an individual.

Consolidating our sexual identity, usually includes:

• Becoming aware of our feelings of attraction.
• Accepting our feelings of attraction.
• Defining ourselves in relation to our feelings of attraction.

Cass has developed a useful model with six stages of identity formation:

• Confusion
• Comparison
• Tolerance
• Acceptance
• Pride
• Synthesis

We will look at each stage in this general model. But, in responding to individuals, remember that their personal processes and experiences will differ greatly.

Stage 1: Identity confusion

"Could I be gay?"
This stage begins with the experience of feelings of intimate and physical attraction towards others of the same sex. In this process, heterosexual assumptions about ourselves are challenged and we begin to question our sexuality as an individual. We may ask: “Could I be homosexual?” This usually leads to considerable confusion, anxiety and denial.

We therefore need to be aware of some of the possible needs that adolescents will require in order to work through this stage, for example:

• You need to know that sexual behaviour happens on a continuum from exclusive heterosexuality to exclusive homosexuality.
• You need to encourage adolescents to explore sexual identity as part of the development of their overall social identity.

Stage 2: Identity comparison

“I might be gay”

During this stage, the person begins to entertain the possibility that:

• feelings of same-sex attraction are a part of who I am, eg: “I may be homosexual”, or
• I still have the ‘potential’ to be heterosexual, eg "I may be bisexual", or
• this is a ‘special case’ or ‘its just a phase’, eg “I just happen to be attracted to this one person, who just happens to be of the same sex.”

In one way or another, all these strategies allow us as individuals to entertain the possibility that we may not be heterosexual. This then creates an ‘internal space’ to ask ourselves: “Who am I if I am not heterosexual?”

The challenge at this stage is to deal with the personal alienation that can happen when we become aware that we are ‘different’. This sense of difference is often associated with a strong sense of feelings like:

• “I don’t fit in.”
• “I don’t belong.”
• “I am alone.”
• “I’m the only one like this.”

Examples of the possible needs of adolescents:

• To develop their own definitions of who they are.
• To get information about sexual identity, and helpful lesbian, gay and bisexual community resources.

Stage 3: Identity tolerance

"I probably am gay."
In this stage, we tentatively self-acknowledge our feelings of same-sex attraction. This marks a shift to a slightly more self-accepting position. We may now feel less confusion and turmoil, but we may also sense a greater ‘gap’ when we compare ourselves to others.

For the adolescent who experiences a heightened need for peer approval and acceptance, this can be a dramatically trying period. For example, we may:

• Think about our every move in trying to keep our ‘secret’, eg we cover up for not having a boyfriend or wearing the ‘wrong’ clothing.
• ‘Mask’ by trying to come across convincingly to others as heterosexual despite grappling internally with our identity, eg we pretend to have a girlfriend.
• Work really hard at separating the ‘private’ and ‘public’ parts of our lives, eg we may avoid social gatherings, or start to question the value and sincerity of some of our relationships with family and friends.

Positive experiences are crucial to developing a degree of self-acceptance during this period, eg making contact with:

• Individuals who are more open and accepting in their attitude towards homosexuality.
• Other gay, lesbian or bisexual people to feel less isolated, and to have the chance to interact and be accepted by a role model for who we are.

Examples of the possible needs of adolescents:

• To be encouraged in exploring feelings such as shame, and beginning to express a clear sexual identity.
• To be supported in actively finding social and community connections.

Stage 4: Identity acceptance

“Okay, I am gay.”
In this stage, we privately accept the fact that we are gay or lesbian, and we may increasingly begin to confide in others. However, we mostly remain quite vulnerable at this stage and are usually guarded about our identity and cautious about whom we tell.

Adolescents in this stage usually have a need to have contact with other gay, lesbian or bisexual youth. However, finding other gay and lesbian teens is difficult, especially in rural areas where social isolation can be unbearable. Many rural teens feel a need to leave home and school and move to an urban area simply to make contact with other gay, lesbian and bisexual people.

Even when, as lesbian/gay/bisexual adolescents, we have access to support groups or gay social networks, we can experience difficulties as a result of our ‘dual lifestyle’, eg being heterosexual publicly and homosexual/bisexual privately.

In summary, although the issues of "who am I?" and "how do I fit in?” have begun to be addressed, we may at this stage still fear ‘being discovered’ and ‘being rejected’.

Examples of the possible needs of adolescents:

• To explore the meaning of ‘losing’ heterosexual life expectations.
• To be supported in making decisions around where, when and who to disclose to or tell about their sexual orientation.

Stage 5: Identity pride

“Hey, I’m gay and I’m proud of it!”
In this stage, we experience self-acceptance and a more confident public acknowledgement of our homosexuality or bisexuality. Here we are likely to be much more open about our sexuality.

We may even be quite outspoken and defiant if we think the responses of others are homophobic.

Although the adolescent tends to be more open about her/his sexual orientation, as educators we need to be aware that the person will still need support.

Examples of the possible needs of adolescents:

• To develop skills for coping with responses to disclosure.
• To be supported in working through anger experienced because of the reactions of others

Stage 6: Identity synthesis

“Oh, by the way, did I mention that I’m gay?”
In this stage, we integrate our sexual orientation as just another part of our identity, although it is an important one.

By now, we have usually consolidated a positive sexual identity and established a lifestyle that makes it easy for us to express who we are alongside other aspects of our identity.

A possible need may still be to move out into the broader community. In other words, out of lesbian- and gay-defined spaces, such as clubs and shebeens that are exclusively lesbian or gay social spaces.

- (Adapted from Cass’s model by Susan Young)

Read more:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert FAQs