11 June 2010

Hang onto your wife during the SWC

Want to watch all of the soccer and keep your wife happy? It may not seem important now. But you’ll be sorry when she’s gone once you turn the tube off on the 11th of July.


You may not really need her this month, but you’ll be upset if you crawl out from under your mound of stale boerie roll crumbs and beer cans in mid July to find that your wife has left you.

Here’s how to make sure that doesn’t happen.

1. The Hotties

First prize is getting her to watch the World Cup with you. The easiest way to tempt a previously sports-disinterested chick into soccer fandom is to show her the pecs.

No, man not yours. Theirs.

Start with the Spanish, move on to the Italians and then get her hooked on ‘de Dutch’.

She’ll soon see the benefit of snuggling on the couch with you. Just don’t go on and on about Kaka’s broad shoulders or Christiano Ronaldo’s sultry smile, ‘cos that’ll probably freak her out just a touch.

2. The PVR

If this doesn’t work, you may want to try a little sensitivity. I mean, there’s going to be a LOT of soccer, and you are going to want to watch absolutely all of it. So either buy a PVR or finally read the instruction manual to the one you already have, because you’ll want to get every minute you can recorded and then watch as much as possible at night while she’s asleep.

Seriously. This way you can keep your marriage and drink as much midnight beer as you want. You can sleep in August.

3. The Bribe

If you have the money, I have one word for you: Bali.

If you don’t have the spare cash, I have another: Cunnilingus.

4. The Negotiation

Women love to negotiate, so why not Venus them with some of their own medicine? You promise to clean the pool if you can just watch Italy play Paraguay instead of going to Suzy’s birthday party. That kind of thing. For extra emphasis, write each pledge down. It makes you seem more serious.

And don’t worry... it’s not like paper is indestructible.

5. And if all else fails... The Full Frontal Schmooze

No matter how beer-stained and bleary-eyed, no matter how permanently the TV remote may be glued to your hand, no woman leaves a man who makes her feel special. And how hard is it to take the odd half-time break to make her a cup of tea and say: “Thanks so much for letting me immerse myself in soccer this month. You’ve given me a real gift, and I shall never forget it. You’re a kind, beautiful, thoughtful goddess and I worship the very concept of you.”

And as to your next question. No, you can never lay it on too thick.

Have any other ideas? Please share them with the rest of us.


(Andrew Luyt, Health24, June 2010)



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