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Question
Posted by: FED UP | 2012/04/25

X RELATIONSHIPS

Is it normal to have a GREAT relationship with your x wife if you are in a new relationship?
My boyfriend of a year is forever running to lend money to his x wife that is re-married again. She discusses her married live problems with him and they have a bond that both dont want to break.
I feel 2nd best and CHEATED. I did discuss this with him many times, but he always says that she is the mother of his 2 children and that it is a habbit for the last 13 years to help and lend. She has the best of both worlds as he is still 50% committed to her, and her hubby of 7 years is also committed when he is not working overtime.
Should the x woman not realize that he must also have a life and respect me in the relationship? Mind you, they got dicorced because she cheated on him with a married man!!!
As I explained to him, I also have a bond with my x, the father of my children, but that it doesnt entail favours all the time. Its fine if real emmergency happen, the divorced parents stand together. He does not have any interference with my x, cause I dont allow it.
His x wife also does not tolerate her new hubby`s x wife as he did cheat on her in the past with his x wife.....
Please, tell me honestly, am I insecure and jealous? Am I wrong to feel this way?
All this sometimes make me feel that he still secretly loves his x, cause he will do anything to help her, even let me down and steal our time together to go and help her with money or just talk.
I dont think that any woman would tolerate something like this.
I must add that I love this man, and it will be hard, but I cant live with half a commitment.
Am I wrong to feel this way?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its nonsense for a divorced man to be giving money to his ex-wife, especially where she is re-maried, and should work out all financial issues on her own and with her husband - its intrusive for him to do this.
If they have a bond they really didn't want to break they shouldn't have got divorced, and shouldn't have got re-married or into another relationship. His explanation is really lame. This is a bad habit needing to be broken - or they should stop pretending, and re-marry. Otherwise it's highly unfair to you and to her new husband. ANd how does he feel about his wife needing financial sponsorship from her ex-husband ?
Its admirable to have an amicable divorce ( where there are good enough reasons for getting divorced ), but what you're describing is WAY beyond amicable. And his ex objects to her new husband being too friendly with HIS ex, and responds by getting too friendly with HER ex ?
You are entirely reasonable in findin this situation intolerable, and should put your foot down and insist that he decide who his partner is and is to be - he can't justify continuing this emotional bigamy.
Good heavens has it quite wrong. This goes FAR far beyond being a great father - she is leaping to conclusions that fit her own prejudices - we know nothing about how good his relationship with his kids actually is, or whether this arangement truly benefits them. Many divorced parents maintain excellent relationships with the kids, and friendly relationships with their ex, without this continuin financial sponsorship ( or is it bribery ? ) and emotional intimacy. Nicole also reads into your story what she seeks to find in it. Both of you are thinking of cuddly little children, not near-adults.
And Good Heavens's later abuse of Fed-up is entirely inappropriate, and speaks loudly of seething resentments within GH, rather than a useful objective response to fed-up's question. The later hysterical exaggeration of Fed-up's mild response to your vicious attack, shows that you really need good therapy, and to learn to stop projecting your inner problems and emotions onto other people.

If the kids need maintenance payments, it should be an agreed sum and paid specifically for the kids needs. This is quite different from the ex slipping payments to his ex-wife. As you hear in fed-up's response, most of what he does is for the EX, NOT for the kids. If she invites him for dinner, his current partner should also be invited - that's simple good manners.



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Our users say:
Posted by: Fed up | 2012/05/07

Thanks you dear cybershrink. I appreciate your advice. You are truely the expert that makes me feel better about life and fair and unfair.

Reply to Fed up
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/27

Its nonsense for a divorced man to be giving money to his ex-wife, especially where she is re-maried, and should work out all financial issues on her own and with her husband - its intrusive for him to do this.
If they have a bond they really didn't want to break they shouldn't have got divorced, and shouldn't have got re-married or into another relationship. His explanation is really lame. This is a bad habit needing to be broken - or they should stop pretending, and re-marry. Otherwise it's highly unfair to you and to her new husband. ANd how does he feel about his wife needing financial sponsorship from her ex-husband ?
Its admirable to have an amicable divorce ( where there are good enough reasons for getting divorced ), but what you're describing is WAY beyond amicable. And his ex objects to her new husband being too friendly with HIS ex, and responds by getting too friendly with HER ex ?
You are entirely reasonable in findin this situation intolerable, and should put your foot down and insist that he decide who his partner is and is to be - he can't justify continuing this emotional bigamy.
Good heavens has it quite wrong. This goes FAR far beyond being a great father - she is leaping to conclusions that fit her own prejudices - we know nothing about how good his relationship with his kids actually is, or whether this arangement truly benefits them. Many divorced parents maintain excellent relationships with the kids, and friendly relationships with their ex, without this continuin financial sponsorship ( or is it bribery ? ) and emotional intimacy. Nicole also reads into your story what she seeks to find in it. Both of you are thinking of cuddly little children, not near-adults.
And Good Heavens's later abuse of Fed-up is entirely inappropriate, and speaks loudly of seething resentments within GH, rather than a useful objective response to fed-up's question. The later hysterical exaggeration of Fed-up's mild response to your vicious attack, shows that you really need good therapy, and to learn to stop projecting your inner problems and emotions onto other people.

If the kids need maintenance payments, it should be an agreed sum and paid specifically for the kids needs. This is quite different from the ex slipping payments to his ex-wife. As you hear in fed-up's response, most of what he does is for the EX, NOT for the kids. If she invites him for dinner, his current partner should also be invited - that's simple good manners.



Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Good heavens! | 2012/04/26

I amend my previous comment. Please stay as far away from his children as possible. Your venom is liquid. I pity the poor man, having to deal with you all day and night. Hopefully at least you''re good in the sack.

Reply to Good heavens!
Posted by: Fed up | 2012/04/26

No " good heavens" . I respect your opinion aswell. I think you are someone very nice, very deep inside........
Every story has 2 sides. Thanks for the nice name calling. Luckily it doesnt offend me as the world needs people like yourself to make it go round.

Reply to Fed up
Posted by: Good heavens! | 2012/04/26

So the people who agree with your point of view are intelligent and the people who don''t are stupid? You still haven''t mentioned his kids btw. Selfish, jealous, a bad self-esteem, argumentative and bitchy. And you wonder why he prefers the company of his ex?

Reply to Good heavens!
Posted by: Fed up | 2012/04/26

Thank you Glen for your intellegent opinion!! Maybe if a person is in the one that hurts shoes, then can you only truely understand. Because why, I do believe the x enjoys the attention and is abusing him. He means well, but it does not do me good because I dont think its fair. I also have kids, and I do love kids, and his kids, but not the x wife`s interference!!

Reply to Fed up
Posted by: Glen | 2012/04/26

I fully disagree with those other people about their opinion. What your husband is doing is wrong. He needs to be a man. I know that he has children with so called X he needs to respect you and draw a line when it comes to her x. Sometime i wonder why man are so stupid because he is busy licking this wife-|-in the name of children which is nonsense. The so called x love the attention. She hurt him and you gave him the warmth but he keeps on pushing you away with his mentality. I know he has kids with his x that one will never change. Maybe he still want her punai
Its bad, i hope this sees the other side of the river

Reply to Glen
Posted by: Fed up | 2012/04/26

Oh yes, he is a great father!! But he is a better x husband!! Think he is going to win the x husband of the year award because most of the things he does for the x does not concern the kids. Are you male or female? Just want to know at which angle you are looking at my situation. It seems that you think it is fair that he get invited to eat over, me excluded. I dont think it is healthy for our relationship to survive this way. Maybe the gates will close in his face one day, and then he will be all alone, used and abused by the x. His kids are practically grown up, they are not toddlers anymore.

Reply to Fed up
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/04/26

I apologise - you are fortunate to have such a good boyfriend (you are not married .... ) Sorry!

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/04/26

I think it''s wonderful that your husband still has a good relationship with his ex-wife, especially for the sake of their children. His financial assistance will probably cease when the children are no longer living with their mother - have you ever thought that he is just doing this for his kids and not for their mother? You are fortunate to be married to such a caring man. You should rather be supportive instead of jealous and insecure and thank God that you have such a good man in your life.

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: Good heavens! | 2012/04/25

You never once mentioned the fact that this man seems to be a really great father to his kids, by meeting all their needs and working at having a great relationship with their mother.

Don''t you think that is more important than your own insecurities? It takes a village to raise a child, and it seems you are placing yourself outside his village. Then don''t be too surprised when the gates close in your face!

Reply to Good heavens!

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