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Question
Posted by: sick and tired | 2012/04/12

wtf?

Hi doctor, please give some advice? This past long weekend, my husband of five years told me that he finds me unresponsive and boring in bed. Then I told him that I don''t want to make noise as the bed is broken (and has been for several months - it would literally take him 10 minutes to tighten the bolts) and we have kids in the rooms next to us - young teenagers. So I don''t feel adventurous at all. He then said he''d rather have no s-ex than bad s-ex. Needless to say, i spent the long weekend in bed with a book because my husband basically told me that he doesn''t want to have sex with me because i''m boring, I''m not adventurous, i don''t make noise and the sex is bad.

Needless to say that he didn''t fix the bed. So we haven''t really been talking, and to be honest, I ''m really hurting right now. I told him that he hurt me and he says that he doesn''t understand why I always blame him for trying to make things better.

I don''t really know what I''m asking doctor. Maybe I am asking if men become bored, maybe I am asking if i am in an abusive relationship. Maybe I''m asking what to say and what to do.

Oh, before you suggest it, we went to counseling a few times and then he stopped going - he says it''s a lot of hogwash because the counselor just repeats everything we say. I won''t get him to see one again.

Please help me?

: - (

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Within a mariage or continuing relationship, if the sex becomes boring BOTH parties are responsible for this. It does indeed take two to tango. Is he really so uninterested in improving the situation that be can't be bothered to tighten the screws on the bed-springs ? How would he react if you climbed under the bed with a spanner when he was ready to go to sleep ? And perhaps a spray can of oil ?
This may be a thoughtless, but not really an abusive relationship. Maybe you both in different ways feel hurt by each other.
Why not seriously consider, and suggest, marriage counselling, as the problem is surely based on rather more than just squeaky bed springs ? OK, you had the misfortune to find a dud counsellor the first time round. But if you had both run into a dud mechanic, wouldn't you still take your car to a different mechanic for further more expert work on it ? And be demanding ( politely ) with any counsellor, if you find them being unhelpful, and make it clear what both of you want from him/her.

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Our users say:
Posted by: J. | 2012/04/13

Well, really, he sounds a little inconciderate.

So if you were to tell him, that maybe he should improve HIS skills and maybe then you would scream louder?

Men are so quick to point fingers, try pointing the fingers back. Might not help, but hey, you will feel better.

Reply to J.
Posted by: Maria | 2012/04/12

Or perhaps he is just an asshole who can''t appreciate what he has. I''m with you on the headboard thing.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: sick and tired | 2012/04/12

Maria, he regularly tell me what I do wrong and how badly I perform - whether it be housecleaning or raising the kids. And I always do my very best to be better and do better and be better. I do try to be a good wife to my husband. I just don''t think I''m doing it right?

Reply to sick and tired
Posted by: sick and tired | 2012/04/12

Maria, believe me, I do that all the time, I have a super sexy bod, I am a student of the Tantra and I spoil my husband sexually and in all other ways. I make all his fantasies come true. Maybe that is the problem?

I simply can''t let go in bed, however, when the headboard bangs against the room my son sleeps in!

Reply to sick and tired
Posted by: Maria | 2012/04/12

It does sound as if the bed story might be a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage.

Has your husband every given you feedback like that before or was it a major jump in communication for him?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2012/04/12

Take your kids to the movies Saturday afternoon, sms your husband a naughty message and then go back home and make him happy. You may find that the bed gets fixed quickly afterwards.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: sick and tired | 2012/04/12

where will we send them? I have no family, neither does my husband.

I have, btw, tried to fix the bed. He looked at me and said, you can leave that, I will do it. That was three months ago.

Reply to sick and tired
Posted by: just asking | 2012/04/12

why are you guys not sending the kids away, locking the doors and having wild sex not on the bed???

Reply to just asking
Posted by: just asking | 2012/04/12

why are you guys not sending the kids away, locking the doors and having wild sex not on the bed???

Reply to just asking
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/12

Within a mariage or continuing relationship, if the sex becomes boring BOTH parties are responsible for this. It does indeed take two to tango. Is he really so uninterested in improving the situation that be can't be bothered to tighten the screws on the bed-springs ? How would he react if you climbed under the bed with a spanner when he was ready to go to sleep ? And perhaps a spray can of oil ?
This may be a thoughtless, but not really an abusive relationship. Maybe you both in different ways feel hurt by each other.
Why not seriously consider, and suggest, marriage counselling, as the problem is surely based on rather more than just squeaky bed springs ? OK, you had the misfortune to find a dud counsellor the first time round. But if you had both run into a dud mechanic, wouldn't you still take your car to a different mechanic for further more expert work on it ? And be demanding ( politely ) with any counsellor, if you find them being unhelpful, and make it clear what both of you want from him/her.

Reply to cybershrink

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