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Question
Posted by: BadMother? | 2012/06/20

Would she not be better off......

I am having bad thoughts. I cannot help them, they just jump into my head. I feel so bad but it''s not something I can control. My child is Intellectually Disabled. I am a single mother. I have no one. If I die, what will become of her? Yes, family say they will look after her even if she is put in a home, they all have their own children, and we all know what happens at these homes.

If I get to an age where I realize my time is done, why not take her with me? She hardly know''s she exists, she has no quality of life, she is just like a plant. How will I provide for us both when we are old? I cannot save money as she costs me a lot and medical aids won''t take her on or they don''t cover anything with the disability. You feed her, you clean her. Yes she is loving and laughs etc but she will never be able to do anything for herself. I love her to death, she is my everything.

I do not want her to suffer or be molested or hurt.

Can I overcome this fear? Can I get these thoughts out of my head. I am such a terribly bad horrible mother to want to do this to my child, but what other choice do I have?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are not a bad mother, but a caring one, who at times doesn'y quite know how best to care. To find life challenging, puzzling, depressing, does indeed happen when one is trying to handle a chronically difficult situation like yours.
Its not inevitable that your child would be either neglected by your family, nor mistreated in a home. Maybe it'd be worth visiting as many as possible of the available homes, to assess them yourself rather than just assuming the worst.
How severely disabled your child is, is relevant, as you imply, in terms of how aware she is ( or is not ) of her surroundings.
State facilities for such problems are deplorable, as is the attitude of Medical Aids, I agree.
Try to find a source of counselling, not to talk you out of your despair in any artificial way, but to help you fel stronger in yourself, and to realistically explore ALL options. You are not a bad mother for considering an option that may sound terrible but can at times seem realistic. But don't assume it is inevitable without a full and assisted exploration.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Leonora | 2012/06/21

You are a wonderful, loving mother that faces an enormous, life long challenge with such love and care that you bring tears to my eyes.

The only reason you are even considering that desperate solution because you love her so much, you want to be sure she does not suffer. In your shoes I would also consider that option. Perhaps just for a moment, but then go on to find another solution.

I am glad she can be loving and laugh, that is some quality of life.

May you find an alternative for the future, I have also come across good places, although you have to be careful. Liza''s idea of volunteering is an excellent one.

May the right option come across your path.

You are both in my thoughts,
Leonora

Reply to Leonora
Posted by: Liza | 2012/06/20

Not all homes are bad. I used to volunteer at a place called Woodside Sanctuary in Rondebosch and the level of care the children receive (they''re a child-only facility) is exceptional. If your daughter can laugh, it means she can enjoy pleasure - do you really want to take that away from her? Not being able to take care of yourself doesn''t mean that life holds no more pleasure.

Perhaps you should volunteer at some of the homes close to you. It will give you a very good idea of what goes on in specific homes and might just put your mind at rest. Not wanting her to suffer is admirable, but to end her life is wrong. It would end her suffering, but it will also end the little pleasures she still gets from life.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/20

You are not a bad mother, but a caring one, who at times doesn'y quite know how best to care. To find life challenging, puzzling, depressing, does indeed happen when one is trying to handle a chronically difficult situation like yours.
Its not inevitable that your child would be either neglected by your family, nor mistreated in a home. Maybe it'd be worth visiting as many as possible of the available homes, to assess them yourself rather than just assuming the worst.
How severely disabled your child is, is relevant, as you imply, in terms of how aware she is ( or is not ) of her surroundings.
State facilities for such problems are deplorable, as is the attitude of Medical Aids, I agree.
Try to find a source of counselling, not to talk you out of your despair in any artificial way, but to help you fel stronger in yourself, and to realistically explore ALL options. You are not a bad mother for considering an option that may sound terrible but can at times seem realistic. But don't assume it is inevitable without a full and assisted exploration.

Reply to cybershrink

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