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Question
Posted by: broken | 2012/01/23

Worth trying to save marriage after affair?

I''m 36 weeks pregnant (after numerous infertility treatments to fall pregnant) and found out by accident 2 weeks ago my husband cheated on me. We''ve known each other for 20 years but have only been married for 3 years. Both in our late twenties. I feel like I''ve lost my best friend, I''m broken confused and so incredibly hurt. He had a sexting relationship with a co-worker a year ago (when we were undergoing our first IVF) and again now with another co-worker but this time it was physical, lots of kissing at work, lots of texting and they admit to dry humping and touching but not actual sex. I obviously can''t believe that after all the lies. What hurts most is we were happy or I thought we were. We spent time together, talk, laugh etc. We''ve always been close. He''s very sorry but he knew exactly wha he was doing so how sorry can he really be? I just don''t understand it. I wish I could explain the hurt...

I''ve always said if my husband ever cheated on me I''d be out the door immediately, I''ve seen too many women forgive and end up in the same position a few months or years down the line. However we have a baby we went through so much to conceive arriving soon, it''s always been important that my children have a devoted father. So now what? I can''t ignore that our baby is part of this equation.

My questions: Is there hope? Do marriages survive this? is it worth saving? Can you truly be happy after such a betrayal? Have a meaningful relationship? Is once a cheater always a cheater? I''m so confused, depressed and broken. I just need some answers please!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course you feel confused and hurt. Maybe its just about relevant that he seems to have tried, while giving into temptation, to limit the actual physical extend of the affair ; but it was emotuionall unfaithful, and at an especially unfortunate time. What happened doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong when you thought you two felt happy together. I'm sure there is hope that you two could resolve this, and seeing ammarriage counsellor at this stage would enable you to explore this and work together to see IF it is possible to resolve it. And if you eventually concluded that is is not possible, or not desirable to do so, you could at least part then more peacefully and with a better understanding of the situation.
For your own sake, and that of the child, do use the option of marriage counselling to at least explore what might be possible, and to make a more calm and reasonable decision with maximum knowledge of the options

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lolly | 2012/02/01

The baby might as well have one happy parent, instead of both parents with the mother being anxious most of the time. It is going to take alot for you to trust him again! You also going to need lots of support and love once baby is born and you try to regain your pre-pregnancy body.

Reply to Lolly
Posted by: hajra | 2012/01/30

really sorry to hear especially at ths time.
you have to look after yourself as you can end up
depressed, Really not good at this time. my doctor mentioned to me 1 man 4 woman.
god has created them that way, maybe we have to understand and except very hard though. thats a man. take care be strong and look after your self.

Reply to hajra
Posted by: Angela | 2012/01/30

My husband also cheated on me and his girlfriend fell pregnant and had a child by him. This has caused so much of emotional trauma in my life. If i could live my life over I would have walked away. I don''t believe in once a cheater always a cheater but I do believe ib once a cheater always a liar. He hasn''t cheated on me after this affair but the lies and the accusations I have to live with make me regret staying with him

Reply to Angela
Posted by: XXX | 2012/01/24

If you truly love him and he is prepared to totally commit to you with definate guidelines in place,it can work.
He needs to show you his phone so you can check his calls etc as well as his monthly printout of calls/sms'' etc.
If he is not prepared to do this then you really need to consider your alternatives.
If you do continue with the relationship,if you find any sign of cheating again,dump him.
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Bron | 2012/01/24

My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second daughter (after he insisted on another baby) and 5 years into the marriage. I was devastated as I put my studies on hold and halted my career to have the baby.
I felt so betrayed and hurt that I wanted to commit murder! I ignored people who were calling me anonymously telling me he was having an affair, as I trusted him with my life. HOwever, for me it was either up and leave or take my chances with him (after much grovelling and begging on his part). But I needed some sort of revenge to make myself feel better and called her husband (yes she was married too with kids), called her workplace and went toher house and shouted out loud in her face (loud enough for all her neighbours to hear) about what she had done (ie.. whore, homewrecker etc) I never thought in a million years that I was capable of such behaviour but hurting can do strange things to ones psyche. I threw my husband out and moved into my mothers taking only the car and my personal belongings. He was shocked at the extremes I went to to show him how easily I could go on without him.
We managed to patch things up, however I will never trust him. He never strayed again and knows that if he puts one foot amiss he will be out the door.
My advice, keep in your body in shape, take on hobbies, establish a circle of friends and make time for you first. His needs are not important any longer as he lost that priviledge when he betrayed you and made you vulnerable. I have learnt to love with caution and think I made the right decision when I look at how content my kids are having the benefit of both parents living together and are available to them any time of the day.
My son in particular needs his dad, so i put his needs first, but my husband knows there are stringent conditions to the marriage which he adheres to as he learnt an expensive lesson.
I do see that your husband has had two relationships which might indicate that there are fundamental problems with him, perhaps you should see a counsellor to decide whether it is worthwhile to continue with a man who has not stoppped after his first affair.
Good Luck and I keep you in my prayers

Reply to Bron
Posted by: James | 2012/01/24

My wife (now ex) cheated on me and we tried after the first affair to work things out. Needless to say she did it again and the rest is history. There is a saying " Once a cheater, always a cheater" . If you can work things out then that is first prize but I have my doubts. Good luck.

Reply to James
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/24

Of course you feel confused and hurt. Maybe its just about relevant that he seems to have tried, while giving into temptation, to limit the actual physical extend of the affair ; but it was emotuionall unfaithful, and at an especially unfortunate time. What happened doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong when you thought you two felt happy together. I'm sure there is hope that you two could resolve this, and seeing ammarriage counsellor at this stage would enable you to explore this and work together to see IF it is possible to resolve it. And if you eventually concluded that is is not possible, or not desirable to do so, you could at least part then more peacefully and with a better understanding of the situation.
For your own sake, and that of the child, do use the option of marriage counselling to at least explore what might be possible, and to make a more calm and reasonable decision with maximum knowledge of the options

Reply to cybershrink

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