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Question
Posted by: CM | 2010/10/11

Worried Husband

My wife wants to join stokvel with her group of 15 friends who are single, drinking alcohol &  go to night clubs, whereas she doesn''t drink nor go to night clubs, i''m worried about the influence they might have because she is the only one that is married and i don''t want her to join.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

ANd here was I, thinking that a stokvel was an economic club formed for financial reasons and benefits - if they go out drinking at nightclubs, they'll make losses, not profits.
Just talk to her calmly and quietly and sincerely, about why you feel worried that these wild women may not be good for her, and could lead her astray - emphasizing how much you admire her the way she already is.
An occasional wild night out usually doesn't do harm, but a regular pattern of this may well not be a great idea.
Do think of marriage / couples counselling for the pair of you. Forbidding her to join is likely to anoy her and encourage her to get sneaky about it.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/11

Girls need a night out sometimes. Especially if they''re married. Why don''t you want her to join? Don''t you trust her?

If you don''t trust her, both of you need to go for couples counseling because there is obviously something wrong with your marriage.

If she wants to go out once in a while - that should not cause a problem. If she wants to go out with her friends more than 4 times a month, then there is also something wrong with your marriage that can only be sorted out with couples counseling. If you have a problem with letting her go out once in a while - then it might help for you to get some counseling on your own.

If you refuse to let her join - she will resent you for it and that resentment will keep on growing the more limitations you put on her. And one limitation will make you think that you have the ''right'' to put more limitations on her. My ex-husband started out with not allowing me to go out unless it was with him. After that I wasn''t allowed to put on makeup for work. Then my skirts had to cover my knees and I wasn''t allowed to show any cleavage whatsoever. It went on and on until I put my foot down. And when I put my foot down, my ex-husband wanted a divorce. That was the only request I happily complied with!

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/11

ANd here was I, thinking that a stokvel was an economic club formed for financial reasons and benefits - if they go out drinking at nightclubs, they'll make losses, not profits.
Just talk to her calmly and quietly and sincerely, about why you feel worried that these wild women may not be good for her, and could lead her astray - emphasizing how much you admire her the way she already is.
An occasional wild night out usually doesn't do harm, but a regular pattern of this may well not be a great idea.
Do think of marriage / couples counselling for the pair of you. Forbidding her to join is likely to anoy her and encourage her to get sneaky about it.

Reply to cybershrink

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