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Question
Posted by: concerned | 2008/10/06

worried about my relationship and child

Dear CS,

I have been living with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years we have a baby of 6 months. I am worried because my BF was physically abused as a child and I am worried that he might abuse our child.

I have been seeing signs that worry me. Since the day we brought her home he has been getting annoyed when she cries and will do things like copy her sounds she makes or when she cries a lot he will raise his voice and say " dammit keep her quiet she is irritating me"  or when she cries at night he will get angry and go sleep in the other room or tell me to shut her up.

I joke and say kids cry, thats part of being parents but I dont see an improvement. She is a bit fluish at the moment and obviously she cries a bit more, last night he yelled at her telling her to shut up and when I said that he must not speak to her that way he said its his child and he can speak to her the way he wants.

He has not helped me with her at all, I do everything whilst he comes home and sits infront of the TV untill he comes to bed at 1 in the morning. He also only spends 5 mins a day with her and when she starts getting fidgitty he will give her to me and say " do something" .

When she was 2 months old and cried he would tell me that he cant wait for her to get older so he can give her something to cry about as he felt she was crying for nothing. He also would tell me to take her to the bedroom and sit there with her untill she stopped crying as it interferes with him watching TV.

I took her to the doc and he said she has colic and that unfortunately I have to work through the crying fits.

Am I right in being concerned?

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Our expert says:
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He;s got it wrong, hasn't he --- its especially because she is his child that he CAN'T speak to her any way he wants --- he has a duty to protect and comfort her, not to shout at her.
As he was abused as a child, he has probably not seen or experienced any good examples of normal good parenting, and he appears to feel very uneasy in this role. And like most of us, especially men, he probably feels deeply uneasy at finding himself in a role where he doesn't know how to deal with it well. And there's a complex relationship betwen colic causing domestic stress, and domestic stress causing the colic.
It is absoloutely obvious that he needs to see a counsllor, for his own sake, yours, and the baby's . Surely he can recognize that related to his own unhappym childhood, he is finding this new set of responsibilities difficult to handle, and he would feel much better, as your you and the child, if he would be man enough to see the right sort of expert and work through his own set of inherited bad habits of thought and behaviour

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lin | 2008/10/06

Has your boyfriend seen any type of counsellor?
I' ll be brutely honest with you. He' s threatening her and she' s a small baby. What' s going to happen when she' s older and he starts hitting her. Physically abusing her? It might happen.
The signs he' s showing now are warning signs for the future.
Sit him down tonight and ask him to go for counselling. He desperately needs it. And you as a family need him to see one.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: T | 2008/10/06

He' s unbelievable! If he can' t go for counselling to get himself sorted, leave!

Reply to T
Posted by: ME | 2008/10/06

I must say, your partner is a selfish bustard!. I don t understand him really, It takes two to make a baby, I don' t understand why is he so childish. I doubt very much if he loves this baby.
Am sorry sisi, wish I could advise you. Maybe talk to him and make him understand how you feel bout this. I mean, he needs to help you with the baby

Reply to ME

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