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Posted by: In pain | 2008/07/17

Wives of gay men

Hi guys,
My gay husband ..... This post comes with all the love and care in the world. I do not want to fight, blame, shout or scream. I just thought I would give you a peek into my own sorry little life and maybe I can help someone by telling you my story. I am a straight female, nearly 40-years-old and have been married to a gorgeous, wonderful man for the past 20 years. All my friends wanted someone like him - kind, gentle, loving, in love with me and a good dad. We have a 18yr old son.

One month ago my husband asked for a divorce. He is gay and wants to be with a man.

Some other things came out into the open and just over a week ago, I tried to commit suicide. I tried to gas myself in my car, but two EPR guys found me. I was already vomiting due to the fumes. I have now started counselling and hopefully this will teach me how to cope with this. I have no life of my own, don' t know how to get up, don' t know who I am and feels as if he ripped my heart out.

Everyone always tells me how pretty I am, but I feel worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, out of control and feel as if no man will ever look at me again. I am so ashamed for being dumped for a man!!
At the time of my attempt I felt that only death would still the tremendous pain inside.

Sometimes I still feel like ending it all. I also found out that he had lived with a other man for at least 7 months while working elsewhere in Africa. The deceit, the total lack of integrity, compassion, and love for me. The total disregard of our wedding vows we renewed 3 years ago. We even had a wonderful sex life to the day he confessed!!

He has decided that he can' t fight himself and the urges any longer. He moved out and although he tries his best to make it easier for me, I don' t understand, I am not coping! I sometimes want to punish him to death! I love him and he loves me too, but he can' t be what he is not. Our son is ripped apart. Anybody can be gay except his dad. Fact is I can never compete with a man....

Why do I tell you my story? PLEASE, please, if you are married and in the wrong relationship tell your wife and move on as soon as possible. Don' t have children and don' t wait 20 years and cause so much pain. YOU ARE DOING HER NO FAVOUR There will always be pain, don' t make things worse. I feel as if the past 20 years have been a lie. Nothing but a scam.

Please guys ... don' t live in denial. I hope that my story has shed some light on how shattered and emotionally destroyed we, as the wives of gay men feel when the truth is eventually told. I wish you well.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Do work closely with your counsellor / shrink, to get through this. THough you feel devastated, this is actually not about you. YOu had the good marriage you thought you have, with just one significant aspect of your husband he didn't let you know about. He has presumably been latently gay all along, so it was in no way anything about you that led to him deciding late in life to more fully accept and act on that aspect of his nature. You are no less appealing to men than you ever were --- his decision isn't about you becoming or being unappealing, but about him deciding to yield to someone who appeals to him in the way that you, as a most excellent woman, cannot do.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/07/18

Dear In Pain - remember that you have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you did not lie, cheat and deceive all this time. He kept up pretences for all this time maybe not to hurt you, but his urges have obviously got the better of him. There is nothing wrong with you as a woman - don' t even think that! You are right, you cannot compete with a man, especially not the man he has chosen to be with. He has made his decision to end his marriage and live the life he finds more appealing and more exciting. You and your son must carry on with your lives without him - I feel so very sorry for you and your child and hope and pray that you ovecome your pain and comes to terms with what he has done. It is a humiliation that no woman wants to live with or have to face each day, but please remember what other people say and think is not important - whether your husband left you for another man or woman makes no difference really - he is a liar and a cheat and if anyone should be ashamed, it' s him. I received a piece of advice one day from a dear friend (I had a boyfriend who is possibly the biggest cheat and liar on this earth) and she told me to get angry and get very angry and I did and I promise you, I looked at him thru the eyes that everyone else looked at him and I realised that he was the loser, not me. I hope that you get the strength to get thru this, but keep your head high - as I said before, you have nothing to be ashamed of!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: lulu | 2008/07/18

Dear In Pain ... you must pick yourself up and show the world what a wonderfull person you are, I know that in between all this hurt and pain there`s a beautiful woman that wants to be set free. I lost my father when younger, he comitted suicide when I was 14 years old. After his death I went trough allot. I was a cutter, a drug addict, I became bullemic and I still drink and smoke to this day and I`m sure you don`t want your son to go through this torment. I never seeked help for this issue but all I can say is that it`s hard to be a child of someone who contemplated suicide. I want to wish you well in your future. Be strong for you and your son, it`s not worth is to take your life, it just causes allot of pain to the people that love you. You are not the bad person. Goodluck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: In pain | 2008/07/17

Thanks Jane and Me. The funny thing is .. the time will never be " right" . How can you deceive someone like this? This is worse when a man is involved, because you just cannot compete with something you can' t be. I can see Jack has a hard time with this, but HE MADE THE CHOICE to get married to a woman. HE MUST pluck up the courage and tell her as soon as possible. If I only knew 20 years ago, I would have made very different choices. I will always love my hubby, but must now do everything in my power to protect myself. I don' t know how, I don' t know where to begin. My life is shattered.

Reply to In pain
Posted by: Jane | 2008/07/17

Please post this on the Gay &  Lesbian site. There is a guy there who is gay but won' t tell his wife just yet, he is waiting until the time is right. I think he is being selfish, I know she will be heartbroken but rather now than later.
I have nothing against gay people, most of them are super people but I do object to them decieving a woman just to cover up the fact that they are gay.
Please go and have counselling, you have not been rejected, he has obviously always preferred men and it is not your fault.
God Bless

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Me | 2008/07/17

All I want to say is that I am so sorry for your pain, I cannot imagine what you are going through. Hope your sharing will indeed help free someone from such a relationship.

Be strong.

Reply to Me

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