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Question
Posted by: Myself | 2010-07-28

Withdrawn hubby

Dear CyberShrink,
My lover is extremely withdrawn to the extend that it drives me crazy. I''m trying to be calm at all times, but find myself building up the anger inside me and than explode. He doesnt talk to me, doest initiate a conversation and most of the time we watch tele than I cook than before we go to bed we watch the series " Friends"  (laugh ourselves sick without talking) and then go to sleep, saying 5 words to each other the whole day. I''m naturally a bubbly and fun-loving person (cancer) and he is wrapped up in his own world (scorpio). I dont understand why he does not share things with me. It''s not as if I dont know he''s married (his wife lives in another country) He says they''re jst married on paper. He doenst hve pics of her, she doesnt visit him or vice versa, I dont even know what her name is. I knw that she wants a baby, bt he does''nt...Makes me think he doesnt knw what he wants. He never made any promises to me..he doesnt believe in love, but loves my company.

All I want is for us to enjoy each other, but he sulks alot and i have tried talking about the problem, but always end up fighting. I try initiating conversations, or pretend all is well, or doing outdoor stuff...It''s like pulling teeth just to start a conversation. I''m becoming uncomfortable around him, I dnt knw what to say to him anymore. I''m starting to feel depressed and cant take it anymore. I have this feeling he''s hiding something from me. I only want us to have a good time together. I know it wont be forever, nothing lasts forever, bt just to make the most of what we have now. We''ve known each other for a year.
I even think mayb something is wrong with me, but I realy dont knw wher the problem is. Can you please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm a bit puzzled here. Presumably you are describing his personality - the way he is. You even declare this to be a characteristic pattern of him by labelling him a Scorpio. Then, if you love him, why can't you accept him as he is ? Its like saying : "I adore him - if only he didn't have red hair or need glasses." And if you understand this as typical of a Scorpio, or whatever personality pattern he has, why do you find it hard to understand why he's like that, and not bubbly like you ?
I understand being bothered if your bubbly friend suddenly stops bubbling. That's different. This is like saying "I love champagne - but I can't stand all those bubbles". That's just how champagne is.
Then there is the issue that this is an affair with a married man. But it sounds as though his relationship with his wife isn't more bubbly than what he has with you. It really doesn't sound like he's hiding anything in particular.
Does he perceive any sort of problem of the sort that apparently bothers you ?


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Our users say:
Posted by: Myself | 2010-07-29

Thx Joos, Ther''re many other terrible things happenin on this earth besides love affairs. The reply I got from Prof Simpson is sufficient enough and an eye opener, not only because I''m with a married man, but for myself as well. You will b surpised how depressed married men can get and attitudes like these hve a huge contribution.

Reply to Myself
Posted by: joos | 2010-07-29

The lady needs advise and all you " little jesus"  do is judge her. If you have nothing relevent why not shush

Reply to joos
Posted by: Lekke | 2010-07-29

I agree with Hapiness..it serves you rite for being involved with a married man. He is missing his wife that''s why he is quite all the time...Leave him alone and get your own man!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Lekke
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-07-29

I'm a bit puzzled here. Presumably you are describing his personality - the way he is. You even declare this to be a characteristic pattern of him by labelling him a Scorpio. Then, if you love him, why can't you accept him as he is ? Its like saying : "I adore him - if only he didn't have red hair or need glasses." And if you understand this as typical of a Scorpio, or whatever personality pattern he has, why do you find it hard to understand why he's like that, and not bubbly like you ?
I understand being bothered if your bubbly friend suddenly stops bubbling. That's different. This is like saying "I love champagne - but I can't stand all those bubbles". That's just how champagne is.
Then there is the issue that this is an affair with a married man. But it sounds as though his relationship with his wife isn't more bubbly than what he has with you. It really doesn't sound like he's hiding anything in particular.
Does he perceive any sort of problem of the sort that apparently bothers you ?


Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Myself | 2010-07-28

My query is directed to Prof Simpson.

Reply to Myself
Posted by: Happiness | 2010-07-28

It serves you right for being involved with a married man...............leave a married man alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Xavi | 2010-07-28

you are asking advice on a ''moden western'' forum, yet you are clearly part of another culture.....

Reply to Xavi
Posted by: Myself | 2010-07-28

Lin- He''s always been the quiet type, and we had good times together, always travelling and enjoying, now it''s getting worse. We live together and I feel I can just as well stay alone.
To Qwerty &  Lovey- We''r not excatly sex machines and being a mistress doesnt make me a bad person. It''s wht we both choose but of cause, nothing comes easy.

Reply to Myself
Posted by: Lovey | 2010-07-28

Why are u saying " Withdrawn hubby "  he''s not ur hubby..anyway i think he is withdrawn cause he misses the wife.

Reply to Lovey
Posted by: Lin | 2010-07-28

Was he an introvert before you got together? or has this recently changed?

Reply to Lin
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-07-28

If he''s still married, and have made no moves towards divorcing his wife, you are his mistress. And men tend to keep mistresses for sex, not conversation......

Reply to qwerty

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