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Question
Posted by: Martie | 2010/10/10

Will not kiss me

Dear Doc
This is a tough one. I know I''m wrong, but please try to see my " distorted"  side of the picture.
I''m married, rash decision 17 years ago when I was 19 after 2 weeks of dating, to a nice sweet guy, but no match for me mentally and we also do not have a sex life. We also cannot kiss as he is for some reason just not able to do the kissing action with his mouth - like a disablitily. So its a " cold"  marraige, no mental or physical intimacy at all.
Anyway, I was faithful for 15 years, then I met a guy that is perfect for me in every way, or so I thought, 10 months ago. We had a wonderful relationship, including physical, for a few months and then he said he just wants to be friends. I stayed in love with him and tried to persuade him to love me again. Now he says he is feeling much more positive about us and he loves me, but he still cannot touch me.
I asked for a kiss, and he said I must use my imagination for now.
To tell you I''m hurting is an understatement.
I know I''m wrong seeing someone else behind my husband''s back.
But please, just advise me, I really really need to know as I am in such a depression currently.
Is it normal or expected for my special friend/" lover"  to tell me he loves me but refuses to kiss me? I just can''t take the coldness and rejection in all levels of my life. I am going to cry again now.
I have totally blown my diet, I don''t exercise any more. Exams are in 10 days I haven''t opened a book, I just can''t take it any more.
And I''m so afraid if I tell my " lover"  to take a hike then I might loose a possible wonderful future with someone I can truly love on all levels. He knows how much he is hurting me and that I need a bit of physical intimacy and says he is sorry he is hurting me so much. If he purposefully withholds affection and knowingly hurts me, isn''t this some kind of abuse? Please doc, try to see beyond the obvious " She is cheating on her husband" . I need serous advice about this guy. I know he is serious about me because he often talks about our future together. Now that I type it here it sounds so lame... But seriously, I get a feeling that he is truly serious about a future together. But what about my feelings and needs? Can I, someone cheating on her husband, expect to be kissed by the man I am in love with and who says he loves me? Help please!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, in all my years of practice, I have never come across anyone who had medical reasons that made them unable to kiss.
A marriage with no mental or physical intimacy would indeed be rather shallow. Have you both tried sincerely working with a marriage counsellor to see what could be worked out ?
Your posting is a bit confusing, as it's not clear who each of the "he"'s is. Presumably its not the new nf who is now unable to kiss or touch you that would be very peculiar for you to have found 2 similarly handicapped men. If that's so, then something really peculiar has happened, and need exploring - perhaps by you seeing a counsellor. A lover who refuses to love is an oddity.
If it's your husband, who says "use your imagination" he sounds a seriously confused and muddled man. It doesn't sound as though he is deliberately withholding from you love he is very capable of giving, but rather that he may have a number of deep issues inhibiting him from being loving at all. NOT to seek professional help when he is so limited in this way, and just expecting you to put up with it, is selfish and thoughtless, though probably not quite abusive. But its as thouh he is cheating on you, with himself, rather than with anyone else.



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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/10

Gosh, in all my years of practice, I have never come across anyone who had medical reasons that made them unable to kiss.
A marriage with no mental or physical intimacy would indeed be rather shallow. Have you both tried sincerely working with a marriage counsellor to see what could be worked out ?
Your posting is a bit confusing, as it's not clear who each of the "he"'s is. Presumably its not the new nf who is now unable to kiss or touch you that would be very peculiar for you to have found 2 similarly handicapped men. If that's so, then something really peculiar has happened, and need exploring - perhaps by you seeing a counsellor. A lover who refuses to love is an oddity.
If it's your husband, who says "use your imagination" he sounds a seriously confused and muddled man. It doesn't sound as though he is deliberately withholding from you love he is very capable of giving, but rather that he may have a number of deep issues inhibiting him from being loving at all. NOT to seek professional help when he is so limited in this way, and just expecting you to put up with it, is selfish and thoughtless, though probably not quite abusive. But its as thouh he is cheating on you, with himself, rather than with anyone else.



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