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Posted by: Disappointed | 2010-08-31

Will I ever get over this cont.

Not sure if you ever come back to posts but thank-you for your advice and answer. I run a business using my cell number and it would be too difficult to change my number. Plus my number is in local magazines in my adverts so she''d find the new number easily.

My husband likes to be a social butterfly and be involved in all sorts of local community projects and home owner boards. Hence all the coffee meetings. They are during the day and some at night. I feel that he makes excuses to always be out. And I just don''t trust him anymore.

I have spoken to my lawyer about a restraining order but you apparently need to have proof of her harrassment. I could apply for a Peace Order at the court if it continues though. But I can''t stop her from shopping at the same local supermarket or going to the same gym. I want to sell my beautiful home I have made with my family and move away but my husband will not even consider it.

I am trying to show a ''united front'' when we are out. But she still came up to us, put her arms around my husband (to which he told her to get away from him). She now buddies up to our friends and even though they don''t know her and don''t want to, she will hug one of the men goodbye just to annoy the wife and me! I feel like I am in highschool again. So have rather chosen to stay away from people in general. To be anti-social but try to strengthen my marriage at home.

I feel silly saying that I don''t deserve this ugliness in my life but I just don''t. And if I knew how to fix it I would. I didn''t invite it into my life and yet I have to deal with it. I wish I could just say, " my husband messed up, he made a bad decision, we are all human."  And just move on.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thabnks for following up. It's not practical for me to return to posts I have already responded to - the system doewsn't easily work that way.
OK, some things usefully clarified. Would i be useful for you to join some of these community activities WITH him, and attend them with him ?
But you're right, sometimes a spouse who doesn't feel happy or comfortable at home, for whatever reason, chooses to get deeply involved in community activities, so as to have a worthy reason to be out and active, without returning home for so long.
Where her activities can't be usefully or conveniently stopped, frustrate her by ignoring her and her comments, and showing no reaction to her. The reaction is presumably what she seeks.
As I understand a court order, it would not forbid her from using the same supermarket - but would forbid her from approaching either of you when there or elsewhere. And if she came up and flung her arms round him, that would be in contempt of court, with potentially serious consequences.
The fact that she's apparently pestering your friends, too, in much the same way, suggests this may not be so much a reaction to whatever your husband had done in the past ( which may have been in reaction, itself, to skilled provocation on her side ) but more an unpleasant hobby she seems to have, enjoying taunting and disturbing other relaionships, because her own has surely failed

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Our users say:
Posted by: Decent Wife | 2010-09-01

I" ve been in a similar situation.. you give her power over you and your marriage. You dont have to act like a bitch to make her understand quite clearly that Nobody messs with you! The great part is, for women like us(who''s not fighters) you dont even have to say anything,your behaviour towards her speaks louder then words,if you do choose to confront her,the less you say the more impact you words has on her,but be confident in whatever you say to her and look her straight in the eye..the other option is, you and your husband should confront her together...your hubby doing all the talking,telling her infront of you he''s not interested, and if she does not stop her flirtations the two of you are gona make her life hell...dont tell her what u''r gonna do..keep her wondering what ur next step will be, and if she doesnt stop,do anything and everything to get evidence of her harassing you and hubby,they usually start backing off when u show them the recordings and records of calls and messages together with a letter from your lawayer...To make your outcome sucessfull, your husband should do most of the work , you should actualy just stand confidently behind him! Whatever you decide to do, just dont give her the satisfaction by behaving all silently. Oh ja and it''s a must that your hubby should avoid drinking coffee at places where he knows she''ll be at...

Reply to Decent Wife
Posted by: Disappointed | 2010-08-31

Thx Doc and Chris. I fear I am not much of a fighter and she is. She will get the better of me in a slinging match and I will think of a million good comebacks way after it has happened. So I won''t even venture down that road. I also feel that she is just not worth it. I would rather retain my dignity and let no-one have a bad word to say about me in this situation. But yes, sometimes I think of things I would like to say to her face!

Doc, thank-you for your guidance. I have listened. Maybe she did ''work her magic'' on my husband and he was in a vulnerable state of mind at the time and took the bait. I don''t want to excuse his behaviour but quite possibly this is her modus-operandi. Still makes me mad that he did what he did though.

I have thought about what you have said regarding him not wanting to be home for long periods of time and hence all the reasons to go out. I know he sometimes feels overwhelmed by the children and domestic life. But don''t we all feel like that sometimes? So I have always given him his space to still do things he enjoys. I have always known that he didn''t want his ''little wife living in his pocket''. I wanted to be like that initially but now I actually don''t mind the time away from him too. I used to hate being on my own but quite like my own company nowadays.

He has always been involved in associations and groups. He was on his student body at varsity and then into politics. He has always been involved in intellectual groups and enjoys having a bit of clout in his community. We joke and call him Mr Plod as he loves to tell people what to do but absolutely NO-ONE must tell him what to do and that includes me.

I think maybe the answer is to become uninvolved with our community, try to ''stick us back together'', maybe even go away together as a family and enjoy some away time without all this ugliness.

Thank-you again for your time and advice. It is much appreciated!

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: Chris | 2010-08-31

You sound like a descent woman and a good wife. Yes you will have trust issues after this but I think that the other woman is a c**k teaser and she is most probably not happily married and now wants to ruin other marraiges.

You will have to put her in her place....forget you are a lady for a few seconds and let her have it!!!!

Reply to Chris
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-31

Thabnks for following up. It's not practical for me to return to posts I have already responded to - the system doewsn't easily work that way.
OK, some things usefully clarified. Would i be useful for you to join some of these community activities WITH him, and attend them with him ?
But you're right, sometimes a spouse who doesn't feel happy or comfortable at home, for whatever reason, chooses to get deeply involved in community activities, so as to have a worthy reason to be out and active, without returning home for so long.
Where her activities can't be usefully or conveniently stopped, frustrate her by ignoring her and her comments, and showing no reaction to her. The reaction is presumably what she seeks.
As I understand a court order, it would not forbid her from using the same supermarket - but would forbid her from approaching either of you when there or elsewhere. And if she came up and flung her arms round him, that would be in contempt of court, with potentially serious consequences.
The fact that she's apparently pestering your friends, too, in much the same way, suggests this may not be so much a reaction to whatever your husband had done in the past ( which may have been in reaction, itself, to skilled provocation on her side ) but more an unpleasant hobby she seems to have, enjoying taunting and disturbing other relaionships, because her own has surely failed

Reply to cybershrink

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