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Posted by: Disappointed | 2010/08/30

Will I ever get over this?

I was confronted by a woman in the close-community I live in and insulted, called names, degraded and accused of being a bad mother (when I love my children more than life itself and believe I am a wonderful mother). I was shocked and very angry. She had tried to ''bait'' me before and I have never understood her animousity towards me. She pick on my abilites as a mother as I believe she knew she would get a rise out of me.

2 days later my husband owned up to the fact that he had had a ''flirtation'' with this woman a year before. They had 4 secret meetings (midnight drinks ending at 3:30am, 3 coffee dates) and numerous emails and intimate smses exchanged. They also saw each other for drinks at our local clubhouse with other friends and flirted. He swears that they never had anything physical and that he simply enjoyed the flattery but it went too far and when he said he wasn''t interested in anything physical she would cause trouble. He has been trying to put our fires ever since. She drinks at our local clubhouse almost every fri and sat evening and when she''d get a bit drunk she''d phone him constantly. I have even had a few late night missed calls from various numbers but can''t link her to them.

My husband has apologised and I do understand the flattery but I can''t trust him. Everytime he says he is having coffee/drinks etc with someone I wonder what lies he fed me before when he met with her. I feel betrayed, I wonder what nonsense he spoke of me. Did he tell her lies about me being an unattentive wife etc (I have heard men say horrid things about their wives when they want to mess around). He says he did not but I just don''t believe anything he says.

Because this woman lives in our community I ''bump'' into her. I pass her on the road, see her when I am doing my grocery shopping or going to gym. She is much older than me and looks even older, she is married with teenage daughters. She is awful in so many ways and so very unlike me. (sorry to sound vain but I am much more attractive than her). I don''t believe that their flirtation is any reflection on me but is about the way he felt at the time. And always thought that I would be able to rise above something like this but I haven''t. It has hurt me so badly, almost destroyed (and might still) my marriage. My husband tells me he loves me and he feels so happy to be married to me and in my mind I say to myself " whatever! Until next time or if you really loved me..." 

He has been angry at my rollercoaster of emotions. He has tried to be patient but I had asked him to avoid the clubhouse, he and a friend went to get take-out for us on Sat even and he went to the clubhouse for hours instead (whilst I sat at home on a Sat night babysitting his friends children) and she was there. I was very angry and said I didn''t know how much more I could deal with, he threatened divorce and was so nasty and horrid to me. He apologised 4 days later and has done so much to make ammends. I know he has no interest in her anymore, what he wants is freedom to do as he pleases and I have always believed that we are not each other''s keepers. But I don''t trust him, I also want him to have to sacrifice a bit of what he enjoys for my sanity. To make me feel better and more secure.

I hate how I have reacted. This is ruining my life, my happiness and my self-esteem. I don''t believe I didn''t anything to deserve this. I am an attentive wife, we have a good sex-life, are super parents to our children and above all we have been best friends for 12 years (8 of which married).

How do I move on from this, how do I put this behind me? It is eating away at me and our marriage.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why does he need to have coffee or drinks with other people ( rather than perhaps during the day in relation to business ) without taking you along ? Anyhow, she sounds like a bitter "woman scorned" who is delighting in making either or preferably both of you, feel bad. Together, you and your husband might consider getting a restraining order to forbid her from contacting or harrassing either of you. How about changing both of your phone numbers, also ?
See a marriage counsellor, together, to strengthen your relationship. And fustrate her by being and appearing, happy. Marriage counselling, and perhaps a few sessions of personal counselling for yourself, would be a very wise investment

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Disappointed | 2010/08/31

Not sure if you ever come back to posts but thank-you for your advice and answer. I run a business using my cell number and it would be too difficult to change my number. Plus my number is in local magazines in my adverts so she''d find the new number easily.

My husband likes to be a social butterfly and be involved in all sorts of local community projects and home owner boards. Hence all the coffee meetings. They are during the day and some at night. I feel that he makes excuses to always be out. And I just don''t trust him anymore.

I have spoken to my lawyer about a restraining order but you need to have proof of her harrassment. I could apply for a Peace Order at the court if it continues though. But I can''t stop her from shopping at the same local supermarket or going to the same gym. I want to sell my beautiful home I have made with my family and move away but my hubby will not even consider it.

I am trying to show a ''united front'' when we are out. But she still came up to us, put her arms around my husband (to which he told her to get away from him). She now buddies up to our friends and even though they don''t know her and don''t want to, she will hug one of the men goodbye just to annoy the wife and me! I feel like I am in highschool again. So have rather chosen to stay away from people in general. To be anti-social but try to strengthen my marriage at home.

I feel silly saying that I don''t deserver this ugliness in my life but I just don''t. And if I knew how to fix it I would. I didn''t invite it into my life and yet I have to deal with it. I wish I could just say, " my husband messed up, he made a bad decision, we are all human."  And just move on.

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/30

Why does he need to have coffee or drinks with other people ( rather than perhaps during the day in relation to business ) without taking you along ? Anyhow, she sounds like a bitter "woman scorned" who is delighting in making either or preferably both of you, feel bad. Together, you and your husband might consider getting a restraining order to forbid her from contacting or harrassing either of you. How about changing both of your phone numbers, also ?
See a marriage counsellor, together, to strengthen your relationship. And fustrate her by being and appearing, happy. Marriage counselling, and perhaps a few sessions of personal counselling for yourself, would be a very wise investment

Reply to cybershrink

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