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Question
Posted by: Confused Husband | 2010-08-29

Wife with SEVERE Daddy Issues.

Hi

I wrote part of my back story about a month ago about my wife''s sudden behavioral changes and that se refused to talk to me outside of a work context, refused to sleep in the same bed, blatantly ignored gifts, refused to say whether she still wants to be committed to the relationship etc. I believe that I missed out some crucial information in the back story preceding the incident.

I have in the mean time established that there is in fact another man in her life whom se phones regularly every day. This man is in fact her father. He used to be practising psychologist for many years but has also taken it upon him that when his children went though issues to treat them himself. Her mother(with whom she had a troubled relationship) passed away when she was 14, therefore the trauma, etc around that was " treated"  by her father. I suspect she also filled in the mother role after her mother passed away. This man is in my opinion a manipulator of note.

We have been in a relationship for more than 6 and a half years. I am 35 and she is 32 years old. The 6 and a half years were mostly great. We had some hiccups allong the way. If I look back all the major hiccups involved subtle and not so subtle involvement of the father.

3 years ago our relationship went through a simmilar crisis as now when she suddenly overnight decided to not talk to me, ignored my calls and moved out to live in the same complex where her father was staying(in Pretoria). At the time he put her before a severe ultimatum: To either choose me, or him. She chose him (due to reasons I cannot understand to this very day). He went so far as to command her that she should by no means let me know where she was staying. I had to find out through some detective work of my own.

Through much patience, due to the belief that I have in our love, I won her back into my life, but I needed to first regularly go to the father to " talk to him"  where he " shared"  his " profound"  knowledge wih me. The first time I went there he lied to me bysaying that he does not want to be involved and not mentioning a thing about his Ultimatum. To this very day he has not said a thing in this regards to me. At the time the father did not know that I was communicating secretly with her and that I did my very best to win her heart back, sending her poems, phoning her, taking her out, being the Real me, etc.

Our relationship had really been good for the subsequent 2 years. Her father had other women in his life to distract him. I should also mention that he is always in some financial crisis and that women in his live , including his daughter, regalarly needs to pay for things in his lifestyle. This includes paying his Car payments buying groceries etc. I cant remember how many times we had to give him money to pay for things. From what I understand, other women also regularly paid for things.

This morning I found an old diary of hers. She had written at the time that she thinks her father does not seem me to be worthy of him sharing his knowledge with me and that she felt so trapped by the situtation that she considerred moving far away.

In April her father decided to move down to Cape Town and was going to live in a house owned again by some other lady friend. At the time he had NO money at all. He initially stayed in our townhouse in Cape Town. When my wife went down to Cape Town, he started to suggest that our compant should hire him as a consultant to implement his wonderful knowledge and product that he had developed. He wanted that we pay him R30000 as a monthly retainer for a number of hours worth of work. He drafted some contract and sent it to my wife. At the time I phoned him to negotiate the payment terms as I felt it to be exsessive. He lost it over the phone and threw the phone down during the negotiation. He also said something to the effect of me claiming poverty, and some other nonsense as well.

If I check back to when the overnight change in my wife''s behaviour, It was just after the fallout I had with the father.

My wife being 50% owner of the business went ahead and still used his services. We have been paying him R30000 p/m since May 2010. I have questioned the payment and everytime it lead to a fight so that I just got to the point where I have stopped in order to keep the peace.

My wife was never concerned about money and I have always taken care of our finances in a reposible way. It seems that everything is about money all of a sudden. She went behind my back to find out from our financial consulatnt how to withdraw R150 000 in the form of a dividend to her. I got an email where she demands a salary of R50 000 for both of us saying the R20 000 salary that we each take is rediculous. But the fact is her
R20000 before tax is hers in it''s entirety to spend however she sees fit. I pay the house. I pay the insurance. I paid her car off some time ago. The company pays for expenses such as lodging, petrol, food, etc.

It is as if the father had brainwashed her. He projected all this money related issues as me controlling her, and that I am apparently a " Virus" , when it comes to money matters.

The last time I saw her she was a shadow of her former self in terms of her spark and zest. It is as if she is this puppet and it seems that she has no free-will with regards to her behaviour towards me. She has at one point 3 months ago said to me that she had considered suicide , but that she would n''t give me the satisfaction. I was really floored by this statement since i care greatly for her.

She has subsequently moved out of the townhouse and I again flew down to Cape town on Thursday to arrange the removal of the furniture etc. I was unable to contact her(via Cellphone) or find her at the client. All indications are that she has moved to stay with the father (which I have no idea where he stays)

I got cleverly written emails from her on Friday which has an attacking tone but are written very functional. The words etc is not her style at all. Some words she has never ever used, but are words that I have seen him use. I suspect he is etither dictating the emails, or writing it himself.

To me it feels like they are trying to take control over the company in some strange way and that they are trying to gain some " evidence"  to use against me. E.g. in one of the emails she demands that I be removed from the email trails of the Cape Town project. I refused since as co-owner I have 100% right to be included in all communications, since the communication breakdown between her and me makes it impossible for me to get visibility on the status of the project. We have no formal association agreement that states how the business should be run opperationally. They however believe that his product and methodologies are now the way the compan should be run.

Whenever I phone her she does not answer the phone and she also does not get back to me at all. I truly believe that the father is the cause of all this behaviour. Again I should stress she has not ONCE said she wants to divorce.

How do I deal with this situation?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ethically, doctors are warned to be cautious about treating family members ( or themselves !) and that should also apply to psychologists. And the situation you describe illustrates the risks perfectly - he cannot possibly be a competent and objective therapist because he is so factually and emotionally an active participant in the situations.
SOunds like you need legal advice about the bizarre mismanagement of paying a ridiculous fee to her father for questionable services, etc., amd to extricate yiourself from any further financial obligations to this pair. And sop long as she chooses to allow her father to pull the strings, it sounds as though there's little chance for you to resume the relationship you want.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2010-08-30

Wow this is a long one! Don''t invest more than you can afford to lose. If the father really has that hold on her then what are your options? Can you win with blood being thicker than water? If you don''t take care of yourself no one will. In everything that is happening your wife has a choice, so you can''t pin everything to her father. She is also responsible.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-30

Ethically, doctors are warned to be cautious about treating family members ( or themselves !) and that should also apply to psychologists. And the situation you describe illustrates the risks perfectly - he cannot possibly be a competent and objective therapist because he is so factually and emotionally an active participant in the situations.
SOunds like you need legal advice about the bizarre mismanagement of paying a ridiculous fee to her father for questionable services, etc., amd to extricate yiourself from any further financial obligations to this pair. And sop long as she chooses to allow her father to pull the strings, it sounds as though there's little chance for you to resume the relationship you want.

Reply to cybershrink

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