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Question
Posted by: David Samuels | 2012/08/27

Wife still not over her First Love ?

My wife of 34 years lost her virginity to her first love some 43 years ago .They had an ugly end to their courtship 38 years ago, and , just before he died recently,she sent a sms to a Pastor friend who was counselling him and she expressed her concern for his spiritual destiny and she ended it by saying'''' the still has a place in my heart " . She erroneously sent a copy of this sms to me .To say i was shattered ,is an understatement . May i safely assume that she never really got over this man? How do i handle this matter ? Thanks for your help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course you were shattered, and a dare say she was, too. I sometimes wonder what we mean when we say "she did ( or did not ) get over him". Many of us remember fondly people in our past history who were kind, pleasant, interesting, but with whom we feel no sense of an active current relationship. Maybe in this case she still felt sympathy for someone who was then having problems, and wished him well. If she still felt really involved with him, she would have been seeing him, rather than sending such an indirect message of encouragement.
Surely there are a number of people from your past, friends and family, who "have a place in your heart", without in any way diminishing the feelings you have for your wife ?
It may be worth considering seeing a marriage counsellor together ( a properly trained one rather than a Pastor ) to explore the issues this event has raised for both of you, and to see how far this can be usefully sorted out.

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9
Our users say:
Posted by: Almay | 2012/08/29

Awe sweet David. You truly love your wife very much....I salute you! Maybe you should just talk to her on a very calm relaxing day and tel her how this deeply hurts your feelings. Goodluck dude.

Reply to Almay
Posted by: David | 2012/08/28

Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your story. It means a lot to me.Yes ,i still have major issues around the intimacy bit.It cuts deep even after our 38 year relationship ! I hate sharing ! I so wish i was the first.

Reply to David
Posted by: laura | 2012/08/28

I was so very keen on a guy about 38 yrs ago. We werent really dating, just going out here and there. He is remembered to this day as a special person. One never gets over ur first love. The fact that they had a intimate relationship makes it so she''ll rememeber it as special for her, as well as cut you up, which is so hard. She married you and not him, so you were special, but it still hurts. I am not an expert, just a some-body.
Talk to her about how you feel, get help from an expert, cut out the pastor stuff- the other stuff too. Aw, if I saw my guy, i''ll get butterflies, wish we did date= If any-one know him and he''s out there tell him he''s special  -). goodluck. peace. married for so long makes YOU special, enjoy ur wife and life. I was for 34 years till my man passed on to rest. Have''nt contributed to something like this, ever, spose i put my foot in it. just a thought as I came here on the site.oops.

Reply to laura
Posted by: Kal | 2012/08/28

I think you have nothing to worry about. There is really something in the saying "  You never forget your first love" .... just like you never forget your first time for anything important. Women especially remember fondly the person they had their first relationship with. If you ask your wife if she would have preferred to marry him you would probably get a firm NO as an answer.
And when a person is dying, one does tend to overlook the bad parts and extend a soothing. forgiving word in his last days. So relax.. you are just married to a kind and normal woman who has probably often thanked her stars for finding you.

Reply to Kal
Posted by: Cindy | 2012/08/28

A professional will be the key to your continues happiness.

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: Imran | 2012/08/28

In partial defense of the pastor (unknown), sometimes wisdom of relationship is gained through ever changing life experiences and not always perfectly maastered through a professional.

Reply to Imran
Posted by: Dumi | 2012/08/28

I dont think you have anything to worry about. Otherwise you would not have lasted for this long. The Pastor should have been counselling him confidentially without interferring/communicating with your wife. All the more reason to seek counselling form a trained professional.

Reply to Dumi
Posted by: Dumi | 2012/08/28

Thanks for the kind words from the Expert.I particularly like the part about seeing a trained expert rather than a Pastor.

Reply to Dumi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/27

Of course you were shattered, and a dare say she was, too. I sometimes wonder what we mean when we say "she did ( or did not ) get over him". Many of us remember fondly people in our past history who were kind, pleasant, interesting, but with whom we feel no sense of an active current relationship. Maybe in this case she still felt sympathy for someone who was then having problems, and wished him well. If she still felt really involved with him, she would have been seeing him, rather than sending such an indirect message of encouragement.
Surely there are a number of people from your past, friends and family, who "have a place in your heart", without in any way diminishing the feelings you have for your wife ?
It may be worth considering seeing a marriage counsellor together ( a properly trained one rather than a Pastor ) to explore the issues this event has raised for both of you, and to see how far this can be usefully sorted out.

Reply to cybershrink

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