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Posted by: Confused Husband | 2010/07/24

Wife refuses to say that she is still commited to marriage

My wife and I have been going through marriage problems the past 2 months and things are at the point where she is blaming me for everything that went wrong. She is bringing up old issues (up to 6 years prior to our mariage).

I know that I am not perfect, (who is) but I am trying to make things better and also try to improve myself as a person. I have appologised for everything that I did wrong (there was no cheating involved) Some of the issues also has to do with families, but it goes both ways as she talks to her father almost everyday and sometimes for an hour or longer at a time. She however blames the issues on the interference and presence of my twin borther.

I have asked for her forgiveness but she basically keeps saying that she has carried the relationship alone for 6 years(which I believe is not true). And if so, why no at least communicate the issue effectively and in time?

I have been going to a marriage counsellor the past 2 months, but my wife refuses to go with me. The counsellor said that it is important that she also has sessions with my wife, but my calls in this regard are met with " I have nothing to say to you" 

I have bought her gifts and I am really trying hard to become an even better person but she refuses to acknowledge it. She took al the gifts I have been buying and threw them into the corner or the cupboard. The cards that I had handwritten myself she refused to open and threw them also into the corner of the cupboard. Needless to say she does not say " I love you"  any longer to me.

We started a company together 10 months ago, which was obiously tough on both of us for the past few months. She now only speaks to me within a work context and as soon as the talk deviates from work she shuts me out. She currently does consulting work in Cape town and I make an effort to fly down every weekend. She does not seem like she is interested in flying back home and is not even making any effort in that regard.

I told her that I am commited to this relationship and that I want to make it work and that I am not a person who easily just gives up. She responded that in that case I will be in a loveless and sexless mariage as she has decided she never wants to have sex again.

The way I see it our marriage can only work if 2 people are committed, however she does not want to explicitly commit. When I ask her the simple yes or no question " Do you still want to be in this relationship?"  she dodges the question with a reply question. The last time I posed the question she went ballistic and kept saying " yes or no, yes or no yes or no..."  ad inifitum but stil now answer.

I really am at the end of my patience and dont know how to proceed anymore. I feel like whatever I am trying is marginalised and blatantly ignored. I am seriously considering to go and see a divorce lawyer, as this is draining me emotionally. However I still believe in the magic of us and the beautiful wedding day we had 8 months ago.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What you are describing is absolutely no basis for a marriage. And if the wedding was indeed "magic" and only 8 months ago, this is hard to believe. This is far too much about you struggling to please her, and her triumphantly devoted to not being pleased. Why should it seem she is doing you suh a favour about everything ?
marriage counselling is pointless unless both partners are dedicated to making it work. Seeing a divorce lawyer is a really good idea, especially as you are both involved in the company - one really wonders whether, though your motives for and within the marriage were pure, perhaps hers were less so, and she had something more commercialm in mind

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Nia | 2010/07/26

From what you are saying it sounds like she does not want to be married to you any longer and she is not willing to say the words straight to your face as that will make her the guilty party in the divorce. She is waiting for you to get fed up so that you will end the marriage and she will get away without feeling guilty and can place the blame on you.

She is not accepting any responsibility and want you to look like the bad guy.

It does sounds like she is having an affair though! Are you very sure that this not the case ? Being away from home, not willing to build or commit to this marriage and not even talking to you and then blaming you for al the problems.

Two can play this little game. I suggest you sit back, do nothing for a while, stop trying and see what happens. Maybe if she realises that you have " given up"  she will either come crawling back to you, scared that she will lose you, or she will start divorce proceedingsk in which case you will know what she wants. I know it is hard to do nothing and wait, but the way things are now, you are doing everything and she is enjoying it. Turn the tables around. Don''t give her the satisfaction of getting a divorce if you dont want it. Let her be and live your life for a while and see what happens.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Riaan | 2010/07/25

At least y''all dont have kids together yet, right? Feel very sorry for you bud. Id advise you to call your divorce lawyer asap. I think your wife has been communicating her feelings quite clearly but you just not listening cos you want to save the relationship. I say count your losses and move on ...

Reply to Riaan
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/25

What you are describing is absolutely no basis for a marriage. And if the wedding was indeed "magic" and only 8 months ago, this is hard to believe. This is far too much about you struggling to please her, and her triumphantly devoted to not being pleased. Why should it seem she is doing you suh a favour about everything ?
marriage counselling is pointless unless both partners are dedicated to making it work. Seeing a divorce lawyer is a really good idea, especially as you are both involved in the company - one really wonders whether, though your motives for and within the marriage were pure, perhaps hers were less so, and she had something more commercialm in mind

Reply to cybershrink

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