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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2009-09-29

Wife problems

Good Day Doc (and everyone),

Ok, here goes...

I am a newly (2 years) married husband. I love my wife to bits, however I have a problem every time we have an argument... I end up raising my voice, and some times screaming at her whilst discussing issues. She now says that I don' t respect her, and treat her badly, and does not know how to talk to her... Please note this has happened on a few occassions since we got married.

Another twist is that we are both from Durban, and live in Johannesburg at the moment. When ever we go down to Durban, I would like to see my family, and she always wants to be with her parents. This is creating strain.

For example, we went to Durban last weekend, and whilst there, my uncle passed away. On that particular day we were staying at her parents house (we made a deal to stay 50/50 at both families). So I asked her to please rush, and when she didn' t, I got mad and started screaming at her.

So now she does not want to talk to me, and since Saturday, she has barely said two words, or spent 5 minutes with me. She says that she doesn' t want to talk to me or be spoken to, as I don' t know how to treat her.

I really care about her, and apologised, and said I' d do what ever it takes to try to change this fault I have.... but to no avail.

The part that scares me, is we are both distancing ourselves from each other, and I don' t know what will happen. The other concern is that once she is upset, she puts up a barrier to the rest of the world, and this has happened in the past, but I managed to get back in... I don' t know if I have the patience anymore, as I cant take how I' m being treated now.

Please help...

Thanks

P.S. I also know how I am, and when we end up fighting, I end up being depressed. She also told me last night, she can' t deal with me anymore, so I don' t know what to do - I am tempted to end it

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Our expert says:
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Maybe there's a lack of respect involved, but it sounds far more as though BOTH of you have a lack of relationship skills, including the skills of dealing with conflict and disagreement, and relationship counselling / marriage counselling, would be an excellent idea, for both of your sakes, to gain these skills and work things out, together, far better than at present.
I am a bit surprised, if both of you are as attached to your own families as you seem to be describing, that you don't both enlist your families to help you find solutions, and to encourage both of you to invest emotionally and sincerely, in such marriage counseling, as it would benefit everyone. In the current situation you describe, apologise to her again, and make it clear that you want to solve the problems between you that have been distressing her, and that you are sincerely convinced that working with a counsellor would be the best way to achieve this --- and that while she may see these isues as your fault, you want her to be an esential part of finding the right solution, as you want her to be happy, as well as yourself. Her participation is essential, beause not only must she be part of any workable solution, but from your description ( though it would not at this stageb be useful to tell her () she is clearly part of the problem, too ).
As Sam suggests, the way she is behaving could well be a form of Denial, which is rarely a great and effective way of solving such difficulties.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ja | 2009-09-30

That is why men should stay SINGLE!!!!!
Women should start thinking logically for a change - why do us men have to change our entire being to be like you lot?

Reply to Ja
Posted by: suedes | 2009-09-29

Man why are you pushing your wife please, screeming won' t solve anything. Tell her you love her even though she won' t answer you, but say it and live it shows that you regret what you did to her and I agree to Sam when she/he says buy a box of chocolate with a note inside man it sound romantic, try it man be a real man.

Reply to suedes
Posted by: almost mad | 2009-09-29

You A** ! you sound likie my fiance. Dont quit. She doesnt want you to leave her. She wants you to change your ways. Its easy enough to be a better person and treat her the way she deserves so why not do that. Why leave when the solution is a lot simpler. She is telling you she wants respect. Give it to her!

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Luyanda | 2009-09-29

You really need to work on your temper brother. who wants a screeming huby. i' m with your wife on this one, to me its seems as if you don' t treat her like your equal. she is not your child, you should show her some respect and talk to her calmly.

Reply to Luyanda
Posted by: Liza | 2009-09-29

Perhaps you should go for some counseling so that you can learn to handle your temper and conflict better. This will prove to her that you' re trying to work on your problem. After a while, when she has seen that you' ve improved, you can ask her to go for couples counseling together to improve your communication skills.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: CJT | 2009-09-29

Never mind that your unlce died, Personally I think she should have been more understanding of that situation, Once again she has all the attention on herself instead of the problem at hand which is your uncle

Reply to CJT
Posted by: Sam | 2009-09-29

WOW, your wife sounds like me, in fact, this whole story looks a little too familiar! When I hurt, or my partner says something hurtful, I cut him out - I cut out the problem. If there is no problem, there is no pain. If your wife IS anything like me in that sense, she acts like this because she is a very sensitive person. You will have to talk to her calmly, and explain to her how you feel, when you are having an argument. Explain to her what you want and need out of your relationship in order to make it work, and to be happy.

Best advice I can give you now though (after the damage is already done), is to give her a box of chocolates, with a letter inside, telling her how sorry you are for losing your temper, and that in future, you will calmly tell her how you feel. Remember, women are scared of men with a temper! No woman wants to be scared of her husband –  he’ s there to protect her, not threaten her.

Reply to Sam

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