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Question
Posted by: Brian | 2011/06/30

Wife isn''t interested in Sex

I''m a 42 Year old Male. I have a wonderful Wife and we''ve been together for about 16 Years. I have a good Sex drive and I believe that having sex 2 or 3 times a week is great. Unfortunately my wife doesn''t seem to think so. Once every 10 Days seems to suit her. It all started one Day when she suddenly blurted out: " I''m not a -|- ing Sex Machine" . Bad Day or not - it was like a Missile to my ego and I switched off immediately and no longer initiate sex. We had a Great sexlife but those comments keep reverberating in my Head and gave me the impresion she only has sex to keep me happy. This situation has been going on for about 8 Months now. I find her extremely attractive but have lost all will to initiate sex - even on the Nights when we are totally alone in the House. I constantly have this vision that most Women only have sex to keep hubby happy etc etc etc. A Sex Therapist is not an option - I WILL NOT visit one. I do however often consider cheating - and Yes - I have cheated a few Times. It keeps me happy and I feel satisfied. My Marriage is still fine and my Wife doesn''t have to view herself as a Sex Machine!!. This makes me realize why men turn to Porn and Infidelity. I still want sex with my Wife but I''m not prepared to initiate. You never know - she might not be in the mood. She has mentioned it a few times and I''ve told her straight: " I don''t expect anything from you - afterall - you aren''t a sex machine" . She might have been having a bad day when she said it - but She should have thought about that when she said it. Women can be Cruel and I cannot see how we can have a normal sex Life again without her inconsiderate comments bombarding my Brain - Any advice out there?? Im I the only man who feels this way?? I feel like an absolute psycho as those words haunt me!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Brian,

I firstly want to thank you for your candor, honesty and description of your present situation. It is not often I have men write so honestly and descriptively and I believe that many men who read your description will very definitely identify with your description and also realise that they are not alone in their experience.

You definitely are not the only man out there who feels this way. yes many men do choose other paths of sexual release and expression such as porn and engaging in sexual activity outside of their marriage be it affairs or the patronage of the sex work industry.

What I think I hear you primarily asking is with regards to how to possibly deal with your sexual relationship with your wife. As you have made it clear that a sex therapist is not an option for you I would say your next option is to trust yourself and your wife and your 16 year marriage relationship to take this on with each other.

I would suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation with your wife where you, in a non accusatory manner, describe to her the nature of your sexual needs and how you have found the differences in your sex drive a specific challenge and then how what she had said about about not being a sex machine impacted on you in how it made you feel. Also describe how it impacted on how you starting seeing the times that you did have sex as a couple as her only doing so to keep you happy. Then add how this has impacted on you then not wanting to initiate sex with her.

Include how you still find her attractive and think she is a wonderful wife and would like it to be different and better in your sexual relationship than it has been the last 8 months and you would like her to work with you on it.

Give her an opportunity to then respond and listen to her with an ear that wishes to hear her perspective. Then continue the conversation from there.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Libby | 2011/07/05

Manwood, I shudder to think of how your brain is wired ....gosh, it seems your life revolves around your head between your legs taking all the decisoins and actions for you...

Reply to Libby
Posted by: Mary | 2011/07/02

I am with Romany. Men get home after a long day at work and go sit and watch TV and wait for the wife to call him for supper that she is taking forever to make. A woman gets home after a long day at work, go to the shops for bread and milk, start the food that she has been trying to figure out all afternoon what she is going to cook (while you were thinking of having sex), feed the animals, help the kids with homework, maybe clean the house and do washing. You really think she is now going to be in the MOOD. She just want to fall into bed and sleep. Get real. Stop being selfish help the wife with chores and treat her nice, not only when you want sex. Make your wife feel special with small gestures. Try the above and you will need no sex therapy. But whatever you do if you love your wife is cheat on her, if she finds out she will be hurt and hopefully you will be finished. Now if you really want to safe your marriage, go sit down think how you can divide the chores in the house, think of how you want your wife to treat you and treat her like that (how will you feel if you find out that she is cheating on you). Marriage is a partnership. Another tip try to have a date night once a week or once a month and go out alone with your wife. Treat her with a weekend away without the kids. Forget about your ego and remember women also enjoy sex.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Manwood | 2011/07/01

Brian, you''ve cheated so you might as well go ahead and enjoy it. I.e. don''t stop now. Wives use sex to bargain with and there''s not much hope that it will change. Go on you cheat you...

Reply to Manwood
Posted by: hot chilli | 2011/07/01

no wonder men cheat, it our own fault, your remarks stay in his big head..................go ahead cheat, once a cheeater always a cheater..............

Reply to hot chilli
Posted by: Laurei | 2011/06/30

Brian, you are promiscuous because your wife told you how she feels about too much sex? That alone proves that all is not well as far as your marriage is concerned. She will find out at some stage and your 16 years of marraige will be over, or her trust in you will be shattered. Ever thought of theimpications of having an affair, nevermind multiple cheating. What if you get a disease and pass it on to your wife or a woman pitches up on your doorstep with a baby on her arm, your baby???
Grow up, sort it out. Your marriage is more valuable than your ego. You already broke your marriage vows and technically are not entitled to your wife''s loyalty...

Reply to Laurei
Posted by: Romany | 2011/06/30

I am in agreement with XXX on ths one.
Brian, if you have cheated on your wife and are considering cheating some more, you certainly deserve everything coming your way.
You know, there is a powerfull saying that " the wheel turns" . If we hurt those that we love, whether the know about it or not, we will be punished in some way. That said, does your wife work<  cook<  clean, raise children, drive in the traffic, pay the bills, see that your clothes is washed and ironed, etc etc etc?
If so, please put yourself into her shoes and think if you would like to have sex after a hectic day or if you would rather just have a bath and go to bed to prepare for the next hectic day?
However, if you can afford for her to stay at home, go shopping peacefully, have a facial and a neck massage, maybe a mani and a pedi, get hom to a cooked meal in a clean house, relax in front of the TV with a nice glass of wine..........., different story.
Consider this and if you are going to cheat, please leave your wife first. It sounds like she is a pretty lady and she certainly deserves better than a cheating husband.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: XXX | 2011/06/30

This question is surely the most fregqently asked on this forum,either by a male or female!
Clearly there is a need by both parties to meet somewhere in the middle and in need, go see a sexologist.
I have to say Brian, that your attitude sucks,you are not prepared to see a Sexologist who could possibly help both of you BUT you are prepared to cheat on your wife! Simply doesn''t make sense.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Same Boat | 2011/06/30

Brian i am in the same boat as you, except that my wife gives me sex only maybe once in 3 months that is if i am lucky. I have considered cheating but i have not cheated as yet. I dont know waht to do. Its driving me crazy.

Reply to Same Boat
Posted by: sexologist | 2011/06/30

Dear Brian,

I firstly want to thank you for your candor, honesty and description of your present situation. It is not often I have men write so honestly and descriptively and I believe that many men who read your description will very definitely identify with your description and also realise that they are not alone in their experience.

You definitely are not the only man out there who feels this way. yes many men do choose other paths of sexual release and expression such as porn and engaging in sexual activity outside of their marriage be it affairs or the patronage of the sex work industry.

What I think I hear you primarily asking is with regards to how to possibly deal with your sexual relationship with your wife. As you have made it clear that a sex therapist is not an option for you I would say your next option is to trust yourself and your wife and your 16 year marriage relationship to take this on with each other.

I would suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation with your wife where you, in a non accusatory manner, describe to her the nature of your sexual needs and how you have found the differences in your sex drive a specific challenge and then how what she had said about about not being a sex machine impacted on you in how it made you feel. Also describe how it impacted on how you starting seeing the times that you did have sex as a couple as her only doing so to keep you happy. Then add how this has impacted on you then not wanting to initiate sex with her.

Include how you still find her attractive and think she is a wonderful wife and would like it to be different and better in your sexual relationship than it has been the last 8 months and you would like her to work with you on it.

Give her an opportunity to then respond and listen to her with an ear that wishes to hear her perspective. Then continue the conversation from there.

Reply to sexologist

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