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Question
Posted by: grant | 2012/08/28

Wife concerns

Hi. My wife initially refused that we get a maid for the house. I wanted to help her as we both have full time jobs and I thought that a maid may take some strain away from her. But now, she still cleans the house the day prior to the maid coming: Irons shirts, make up beds (maid is not suppose to make up beds) and throws out bins (maid may not see what we are throwing away) etc. Also on weekends when I make a suggestion to go on a drive for a day, she refuses to go as she states she needs to plan for going away (its jsut for a day!) and I need to give her more notice. Do I need to be concernded?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I've known some most excellent women with the same issues - who clean the house before the maid comes, as though they worry that the maid will think less of you if there is any mess to clean up, whereas the maid id probably relieved to see that there is at least some need for her. Such excessive concern about what a maid might think of her, and the assumption that the maid would waste time examining the contents of whatever you throw away, and critiquing it, is over the top.
Overall, it sounds as though your wife may either have an obsessive personality ( useful perhaps if one is an accountant, for instance, but a nuisance in other ways ) or even, if this is severe enough to interfere in her work as it already does in her home life, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which will respond well to proper expert treatment. See if you can persuade her that there could be a disorder here, exaggerating her otherwise excellent personality traits, which can cause increasing problems, and that she could be far more efficient and happy if this was got under control - and see if she might agree to see a psychiatrist or psychologist for assessment and a discussion of treatment options.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/08/28

She sounds very anxious, definately traits of obssessive disorder. Suggest you dont call it a disorder to her, just soften the blow with emphasizing your concerns over her anxiety. Perhaps there are things that are out of her control at the moment (home / family / or at work) and this obsession is a desire of control. The use of rescue remedy (or any tranquiliser) could also help in the mean time. Please note im no doctor, so this is just advice!
Perhaps chat to your wife on her idea of home and talk around realistic and unrealistic expectations. Perhaps she has a very old-school belief in gender roles and feels guilty because she cant maintain whilst working. or as suggested above. Or she was raised with certain ideologies of what a home is supposed to look / function like. Or,, like mentioned, its a desprate plea for control. If she didnt want a maid and you talked her into one, as good as the intention is, perhaps there are other areas she does not feel heard / or in control..

Seeing a counsellor or psychologist for therapy would be highly beneficial to her (you both) and a psychiatrist should she wish to get medication.

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/28

I've known some most excellent women with the same issues - who clean the house before the maid comes, as though they worry that the maid will think less of you if there is any mess to clean up, whereas the maid id probably relieved to see that there is at least some need for her. Such excessive concern about what a maid might think of her, and the assumption that the maid would waste time examining the contents of whatever you throw away, and critiquing it, is over the top.
Overall, it sounds as though your wife may either have an obsessive personality ( useful perhaps if one is an accountant, for instance, but a nuisance in other ways ) or even, if this is severe enough to interfere in her work as it already does in her home life, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which will respond well to proper expert treatment. See if you can persuade her that there could be a disorder here, exaggerating her otherwise excellent personality traits, which can cause increasing problems, and that she could be far more efficient and happy if this was got under control - and see if she might agree to see a psychiatrist or psychologist for assessment and a discussion of treatment options.

Reply to cybershrink

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