advertisement
Question
Posted by: Norrad | 2012-06-14

Wife cheated on me!

My wife of 6 years just confessed to having a sexual relationship with another man. I''m torn between staying and going and need some advice.

I never liked the guy and he is totally not her type (old, bald, etc.) But I knew what he was after and warned her about him. She says that he raped her the first time and do believe that in a way but then it becomes murky.

She continued to see him after that and had unprotected sex multiple times, she tells me that he blackmailed her and I want to press charges but she refuses to go to the police. She even left our 2 year old son in his care one day.

I''m a torn man, on one hand I love her more than you can imagine and I need to think about my son.On the other I feel she did this for the thrill and for money/gain.

Please, I need some urgent advice!

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he raped her, why did she not simply report that to the police, and lay criminal charges against him ? If he indeed raped her, why did she choose to return to him repeatedly ? Why did she accept unprotected sex, with the risks that entails ? How did he blackmail her ( that's also a crime ) - and how does she explain why she now doesn't want to press charges ?
Probably the most disturbing aspect is the thought that she was prepared to leave your son of 2 alone with this man. This does not suggest that staying with her would proide any automatic benefits for the boy, rather than possibly placing him at further risks. If she did it for money, wasn't she prostituting herself ? What makes you confident she is a fit mother ?
You have grounds for very serious concern. You could divorce her, and if the facts you report are true, you have good grounds for divorce, though she would probably deny everything and it would be hard to prove.
Staying with an unfit mother is of no benefit to a child.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

17
Our users say:
Posted by: Maozi | 2012-07-06

You are a very stupid man to even come to this forum to ask for advice...you should have lng gone. There are millions of faithfull women waiting and praying everday for a man like you.She will never ever change,forgiveness or not...she is a bitch and you are married to a bitch and prostitute for the rest of your life,no dignity at all.Shame on you to even sleep with her again after this.You have no pride broer.

Reply to Maozi
Posted by: bee gee | 2012-07-05

I suggest you both go for counciling together and make your decision afterwards. My thoughts are ,is it good for the child to be in this positon. Dont be in a hurry take your time
God Bless.

Reply to bee gee
Posted by: Tt | 2012-07-05

I amvery sorry for what happened to you, and I don''t condone adultery but some of us here are too harsh and very judgemental. It is funny that when it''s a man who cheats, he is expected to be forgiven and still cheat again but when a woman cheats of is raped as indicated in this matter, she is cruficied. My advise like the other person said, you are the one in the situation, sit doen and decide what will be good for you. Don''t make a rushed decision, because you might regret it in the end. And I would like to say, Divorce has never been a solution.

Reply to Tt
Posted by: mirriam mzinyathi | 2012-07-05

hi they

you have heard that is was sad do not commit adultery
it will be difficult to trust her .only you can make a decision

Reply to mirriam mzinyathi
Posted by: Jkls | 2012-07-05

Yoh man!

I''m definitely sure each time you try to fall asleep next to this person, you find your eyes opened, each and every moment you spend with her feels like a dagger deepened in the heart. There is a no way you will forgive this woman, don''t even try because you will never forgive her, she knew exactly she was doing something wrong, and for her to tell it was for money, that should tell you this person can even kill you for money, run while you still can, divorce this woman, she''s not worth you love nor you attention, let alone your time.

Reply to Jkls
Posted by: Jkls | 2012-07-05

Yoh man!

I''m definitely sure each time you try to fall asleep next to this person, you find your ears opened, each and every moment you spend with her feels like a dagger deepened in the heart. There is a no way you will forgive this woman, don''t even try because you will never forgive her, she knew exactly she was doing something wrong, and for her to tell it was for money, that should tell you this person can even kill you for money, run while you still can, divorce this woman, she''s not worth you love nor you attention, let alone your time.

Reply to Jkls
Posted by: Elise | 2012-07-05

I believed he raped her and blackmailed her. The mistake she made was going back to him after everything that happened and that she slept with him again and again obviously not because she loved him but for money to sustain her own business. It was selfish of her considering that you try to give her what you could and she knew when you got married what you can offer her. It will be difficult for you to forgive her and will even be more difficult to trust her. Only you can make the decision if you want to continue with this marriage and if you will be able to trust her again. You have all the right to divorce her and if you decide to stay with her than you will have to give her the benefit of the doubt that it won’ t happen again. Should you decide to stay with her than you will have to forgive her and not mention it again. This will be very difficult for you especially with a child being involved. You must understand should you decide to stay with her that a lot of people know what happened and you might have to face ridicule from people and even from this person. At the end of the day many people can advice you but you the only one that can make the decision.

Reply to Elise
Posted by: Annie | 2012-07-05

Kick her out. She went back for more. She liked it and will do it again. She is endangering your child.

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Bee Sting | 2012-06-15

Hi there Norrad,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

Even if she was raped, why did she go back for more? It just doesn''t make sense.

Good luck.

Reply to Bee Sting
Posted by: Wow | 2012-06-15

And you want to believe that, move out and move on,
a woman that has been raped does not go back to a rapist and goes through a lot of trauma, she is lying to save her own face,

Reply to Wow
Posted by: Leez | 2012-06-15

Your wife is a pathetic liar, cried rape to save her own face. Move on!

Reply to Leez
Posted by: James | 2012-06-15

Run Forrest run. Your wife sounds like my ex, also came up with " rape / blackmail"  stories yet kept going back. I was still the schmuck that paid for the HIV tests etc etc. Never ever again will I allow myself to get emotionally attached to a woman, its all about me myself and I with women these days (know I am generalising and not all are painted with the same brush). I am happily divorced and single for 6 odd years now and wont walk that path again.

They say once a cheater always a cheater. Get out and make a better life for yourself.

Reply to James
Posted by: LivebyLife | 2012-06-14

Im sorry for that.

Im a 24 year old black male.

IM NOT GETTING MARRIED.

NEVER.

Reply to LivebyLife
Posted by: Norrad | 2012-06-14

Oh, sorry Cybershrink. It isn''t hard to prove. I have witnesses to her leaving our son with him. Plus for the affair.

But then again I also have witnesses that can prove it was rape, at least the first time. She ran to our neighbours afterwards scared but didn''t tell them why.

I confronted the guy for his version but all he did was threaten me with " powerful people"  that he knows in this town. Even though I spoke civilly to him on the phone.

Reply to Norrad
Posted by: Norrad | 2012-06-14

She says he blackmailed her with threats of breaking us apart, by coming to my work and making life difficult for me. I tried to forgive her and the last week went well for us. I thought I would be able to forgive her but when chatting to her last night she just started going off on how I didn''t support her in the past and that it was somehow my fault, that caused me to have a serious outburst. I would never hit her but I did let rip with a lot of emotion.

I work full-time and I''m busy doing my commercial pilot licence in my spare time, I also look after my son from the moment I finish work. She has started a restaurant and I just can''t dedicate the time or cash to it that she wanted for her venture. So she said she was using the other guy to get it. I even called her a prostitute in my rage last night.

I know we married young and I was her first. But she was my everything and I did everything for her. I''m torn in two at the moment.

I feel like an idiot because all the signs were there, messages on her phone (not sexual, but not just friends), rumours from people I work with, late nights which I thought she was busy with her restaurant, morning after pill and many others. She said I was just being paranoid and thought badly of her. Plus the fact that she had gone off sex completely.

I''m sorry I''m ranting, I just don''t know what to do. She is not South African and I think that might have had something to do with her fear of the police.

Reply to Norrad
Posted by: Romany | 2012-06-14

Sjoe ! I want to say " Go for councilling" , " save the marraige" and so many other things, but you know what, I think I will be wrong.
She has not only cheated on you, she is also telling lies and more lies.
I think, while you are young and the child is young, just call it a day. Divorce and move on... you will find a wonderfull woman that will appreciate you, love your child and be faithfull to you.
You deserve that....
Why wait. It is going to be very very hard todicorce when you are 40 or 50 or older and maybe with more children? You will never trust her again... unfortunately

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-14

If he raped her, why did she not simply report that to the police, and lay criminal charges against him ? If he indeed raped her, why did she choose to return to him repeatedly ? Why did she accept unprotected sex, with the risks that entails ? How did he blackmail her ( that's also a crime ) - and how does she explain why she now doesn't want to press charges ?
Probably the most disturbing aspect is the thought that she was prepared to leave your son of 2 alone with this man. This does not suggest that staying with her would proide any automatic benefits for the boy, rather than possibly placing him at further risks. If she did it for money, wasn't she prostituting herself ? What makes you confident she is a fit mother ?
You have grounds for very serious concern. You could divorce her, and if the facts you report are true, you have good grounds for divorce, though she would probably deny everything and it would be hard to prove.
Staying with an unfit mother is of no benefit to a child.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement