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Question
Posted by: Dirk | 2011/09/22

Wife and issues

HI. My wife refuses to sleep in our bed as I " breathe too loud..."  Our sex life etc is suffering. Also she cleans the house daily and our vacuum cleaner is about to explode of the daily vacuming. She refuses to chat on some nights as she wants ''quiet'' time. We are only married for 7 months. She refuses that we go and see a councellor... What must I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She does sound potentially unwell - are these all new behaviours / complaints that have suddenly arisen since the marriage, or have they been present all along ? When you mention your sex life as "suffering" this sounds as though it was better and is declining ?
Are there other signs sugggestive of OCD ( Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ) ? Is she given to excessive hand-washing, overly concerned about risks of infection, and so on ?
As Maria says, sometimes its very relevant that in a new marriage opf people who didn't live together previously, sex aside, simply sharing a bed or bedroom with someone else can seem strange, and ear plugs can be a good investiment, if she really won't let herself gradually adjust ( with a new cat, or dog one may need to adjust if they choose to sleep with you ).
Would she allow you to share some of the chores, or is she fixed on the idea that she needs to do it all personally ?
Her refusal to consider counselling is serious and troubling, because it amounts to either a foolish and unwise insistance that there is nothing whatever wrong or malfunctioning, or a refusal to try to fix things.
Do you know her mother and other family members well enough to be able to ask them gently, if she had problems such as excessive household cleaning, etc, before the marriage ? Could they usefully encourage her to seek marriage counselling with you, even if she sees it purely as a way of dealing with the problems you are causing for her ? ( Maybe it is, in ways you have not perceived )

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dirk | 2011/09/29

Hi all

Thanks to all the interesting replies...
@cybershrink: I ahve offered to help with chores and get a domestic worker (that I will pay for) but she refuses. I would for instanse start washing a pot, and she will interrupt me and say that I must stop as she is busy with it.

Reply to Dirk
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/24

She does sound potentially unwell - are these all new behaviours / complaints that have suddenly arisen since the marriage, or have they been present all along ? When you mention your sex life as "suffering" this sounds as though it was better and is declining ?
Are there other signs sugggestive of OCD ( Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ) ? Is she given to excessive hand-washing, overly concerned about risks of infection, and so on ?
As Maria says, sometimes its very relevant that in a new marriage opf people who didn't live together previously, sex aside, simply sharing a bed or bedroom with someone else can seem strange, and ear plugs can be a good investiment, if she really won't let herself gradually adjust ( with a new cat, or dog one may need to adjust if they choose to sleep with you ).
Would she allow you to share some of the chores, or is she fixed on the idea that she needs to do it all personally ?
Her refusal to consider counselling is serious and troubling, because it amounts to either a foolish and unwise insistance that there is nothing whatever wrong or malfunctioning, or a refusal to try to fix things.
Do you know her mother and other family members well enough to be able to ask them gently, if she had problems such as excessive household cleaning, etc, before the marriage ? Could they usefully encourage her to seek marriage counselling with you, even if she sees it purely as a way of dealing with the problems you are causing for her ? ( Maybe it is, in ways you have not perceived )

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Edith | 2011/09/23

Jane you need to catch a wake up girl. I have been married for eighteen years and have not shared a bed with my husband for the last five years because of his " heavy breathing" . Nothing wrong with our sex live, we find other more inventive ways and places. If my husband tells me what to do and when he will find himself on the pavement. We are a team and are working as such, considering each other but still operate as two individuals. You are indeed a bit of an old gal ..... keep your advise to your era.

Reply to Edith
Posted by: K | 2011/09/23

haha Jane you are a joke! Men and women both earn salaries and contribute equally to the household. Both have the same rights.

good luck in you 18th century living

Reply to K
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/23

Jane... did you just call yourself that so we can all think you are a female? I doubt that very much, yu sound more like a " tarzan" .
Maria, I agree. Oh my word.....that attitude will get my back up for sure !!!

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Maria | 2011/09/23

Goodness Jane, in what century are you living?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: jane | 2011/09/23

It is clear as to who wears the pants in the house. A husband a wife must sleep together. full stop. Once a husband allows his wife to do things her way and get her way...well there is no turning back. Marriage is a lifetime commitement and if you are already not shring the same bed...well, I don''t see that it will last very long...

I don''t see the point of your marriage if you sleep in a different bed and she refuses to go for councilling... sounds like she has you wrapped around your her finger and is getting her way.

If you are the breadwinner...simply put down your foot and lay down some rules....otherwise...I hope you have a marriage contact drawn up, because it will not last very long...

Reply to jane
Posted by: Maria | 2011/09/22

Has it always been like this or has something changed? How much time did you spend together before getting married? I mean this in the domestic sense, did she always clean this obsessively? And did you see each other every night, or would there have been nights in between that she was on her own? It sounds as if she is having a tough time adjusting to marriage, and it''s a pity that she won''t see a counsellor.

I do sympathise with her regarding " loud breathing" ... this is why I bought a pack of 100 foam earplugs and sleep with them every night. Problem solved! I don''t know if you lived together before you got married, but it can also be a very big shock to the system to share a bed with someone if you were not used to it.

Is she perhaps re-enacting the situation that she grew up in? Maybe she feels that it is her duty as a married woman to have spotless house. (Which would be very sad.)

It''s difficult to know what to suggest without some more information. Perhaps you can try to establish some routine, e.g. Monday nights you go out and have burgers at the Spur. Go to the gym together, or ask her to join you for a walk to get some fresh air and exercise after work. Reassure her that you don''t expect her to clean all the time and that you are happy to do your part of the chores. And give her a bit of space when she needs it?

Reply to Maria

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