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Question
Posted by: Not sexual | 2008/07/05

Why the over-emphasis on sex?

Hi doc I'm a 39-year old gay man, no major complaints, I have a professional career, a great circle of friends and I'm generally doing good.

Still, I'd like to meet someone for a long-term relationship etc etc etc but it seems as though the world (the gay world especially) is all about sex and I'm not a very sexual person.

Affection yes - I'd rather hug and cuddle and express love and intimacy in other ways, I'd love to make my partner happy in millions of ways but hey sex isn't in my list of all-time top-100 interests. Make no mistake, I'm attractive etc and my mates just assume I have lotsa sex but in truth it just doesn't do it for me. Not that I'm NOT interested but once-a-month and I'd be more than satisfied. Being gay isn't only about sex yet everyone seems to harp on about this.

So I'm not sure what I'm looking for but its definitely more than a housemate or buddy - someone who will indeed be 'my partner' and we'll share and love and care and respect and just generally live, with physical intimacy, but without the need to be testosterone-driven sexual athletes always up for a session. Be honest, does this sound reasonable or too much to ask or hope for? I just think the world would be a better place if there was less sex (and lust) and more love. I'd rather have someone welcome me home at the end of the day because he's pleased to see me, not as a sex partner but as a life partner. Who'll make me a cup of coffee when he thinks I'll appreciate it rather than try to please me sexually. Who I could really confide in and share myself with, 100%, an ally in life, a true companion.

Should I still cling to my dream? Tell me honestly if you think I'm being stupid.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Not Sexual, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

You're certainly not being stupid - there is no "normal" in terms of our sexual needs and we all have different needs in terms of our relationships. Relationships that are primarily based on sex often burn out when the passion dies down and most people would aspire to the qualities you desire from a potential partner. So hang in there and if you meet someone who interests you take is slowly - dating and getting to know the person over time, as opposed to immediately focusing on sex, which many gay men tend to do. Often sex becomes less of a criteria in our relationships as we mature, when we start appreciating other qualities in our relationships, so you may be looking for a mature person.

Good luck to you and please keep posting.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/07/07

I can so relate to the responses here too. Deeve I agree fully, Sex in itself plays really such a small role in a relationship when all is well, but when the sex sucks it tends to overpower the whole relationship. And yes, Not Sexual, that is exactly what relationships is about. Not getting your rocks off, but that other more intimate small things, the cuddling, the sms in the middle of the day that says I am thinking of you, the cup of coffee when I need it. Or a backrub when I am stressed, a small gift or a bunch of flowers when I am down. A warm meal when I get home tired after a hard day. Unfortunately, these are the things that takes time, that you grow into, as you grow together and start to get to know each other. Sex really should come naturally, and if you meet someone that rocks your world, even a little lust is good sometimes. But it will just happen. In the beginning of a relationship this tends to become a problem at some stage, because people's libidos differ. I remember in the beginning we also had to get over this hurdle. My boyfriend has a high sex drive, and mine is a little lower. And like you, there were times when I rather wanted him to hold me, when I was really too tired to even think of anything else, rather than wanting sex. I hated myself for saying no, I hated that he unconciously made me feel guilty for rather wanting to sleep. He took it personally and thought that I did not find him attractive anymore. It got very difficult. But we had many many discussions about it, even fights, but stuck it out, listened, tried to understand and accomodate. In the end it was worth it. We now have even more sex than then, because the pressure is off, and he understands that it is not personal, and it does not mean that i do not love him if we don't do it every night (although we do now mostly, hehehe) We have grown into a place where we have wonderful intimacy. We are sexually comfortable, and yes, we have more times when we know that a kiss or a cuddle can mean just as much as a quicky.
Point being, these are things that we need to work on that take time to achieve, but most guys move on at the first sight of difficulty, rather than working through it. And yes, the sexual conquest is exciting, but for most of the guys that lives like this, they long for exactly what you described deep down, at some stage of their lives. So I agree, hang on, you might just meet this guy that looks for the same things. Also that said, maybe you should explore why you feel that you do not want sex more. There might even be a medical reason for it. Or you might have some unconcious fear that you are not even aware of, fear of not doing it well enough, or rejection, or a lack of confidence, or anything that prevents you from being the full you. It is worth exploring these things too. That might just make the difference. But don't give up on your dream.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/07

Food for thought. Someone posted this elsewhere...
"The bottom line is this: If things are going well between the sheets, sex makes up 20% of the relationship. If your sex life sucks, it makes up 80% of the relationship. There's no such thing like choosing between sex and love !"
What do others think...? ...sex is an integral part of any relationship, and definitely brings you closer to your partner.

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/07/07

Hi Not sexual. You are not alone. Many feel the same, but do not say so. The focus in the gay community is unfortunately many times on sex, and not the other aspects of relationships as well, as it should be. Peer pressure sometimes force people to act in certain ways, although they do not necessarily are inclined in that way. You will find the right person, just give it time.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/07/07

Anon...can't comprehend your post....sounds way out of line for my brain to even absorb!
Hey Non-Sexual,
You're not asking too much at all. What you're aspiring to is exactly what a relationship should be. What you're forgetting, is that sex will take place naturally - when you're with someone who's stimulating, and rocking your complete world!
Right now, possibly the cruising, the chase, the lust etc is not letting you see past this. When you meet someone that is wanting to be with you for all the reasons that you describe, you and your partners sexual needs won't necessarily be something thats on a constant 'to do' list, but more something that spontaneously happens due to the closeness of two people, that are truely in love. Keep searching fellow, and don't give up...you will find many others with the same aspirations as you.
Best of luck... Cheers.

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/06

Right now, at 01h05, my partner is having sex with another guy in our lounge, on our couch, I'm in the study. We've been together for 14 years, both aged 41. Done a few lines but I feel numb, dead, blank. There's nothing else to say. Sleep well Universe.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: :,:,:,:, | 2008/07/06

So good, so refreshing to read this, I,m also not very sexual, your post is almost comforting if that makes sense?

Reply to :,:,:,:,

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