Posted by: Chantelle L | 2012-11-28

Why now?

I''ve been married for 10 years this year and have 2 beautiful kids and a over-protective, jealous husband. Not allowed to do anything, wants to know my where-abouts at all times. The only place I have peace of mind is at work. I know a certain guy for years, we work together and we have now started chatting. I like this guy a lot. I feel I''m missing something in my marriage and my husband always tells me if we get divorce I wont get his house, etc, yet I contribute towards everything except the house and medical aid. Am I wrong to chat to this guy?

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Our expert says:
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You don't make it entirely clear that it is so, but I'm guessing that he has ALWAYS been this way ? Or does this represent an odder, recent change in him ? People in adult years don't usually change unless they are strongly motivated to do so, and unless them themselves sincerely see aspects of their behaviour as wrong, unhelpful or regrettable.
Is it possible that your husband could be persuaded, even if he saw it more as an effort to "fix you" rather than admitting it is him who needs to change, to take part sincerely in marriage counselling, to enhalnce the mariage and see to what extent it could be improved ?
And don't just tamely accept what he tells you about what he HOPES might be the outcome of a divorce. WHILE YOU ARE BLAMELESS, it would be likely that you would receive some fair share of the family / marital assets in proportion to what you have contributed, in cash and in work, but you need a lawyer to discuss these points. It is also rather likely that you would get custody of the children, and that your husband would be required to p[ay maintenance towards the continuing costs of bringing them up.
Now, though, what you're asking about is different. It seems to be : "Given that this is how my husband is, and always has been, am I justified in flirting with someeone else ? "
The answer is that this is almost always a really bad idea.
The issue of your chatting up this other guy who makes you feel good isn't ( at least if you are asking me to comment based on my own expertise ) whether it is Right or Wrong ( which you'd need to discuss with your religious leader ) but whether its a good idea and likely to lead to happiness, and then the answer would be no. Affairs, especially in the work-place usually do not lead to happiness, and in a setting such as you describe, your husband could use this against you in any divorce and custody proceedings.
Better see if there is any posibility to work together towards fixing the marriage, or plan to
divorce and protect yourself and your children as much as possible.
You realise, surely, that by being tempted to flirt or worse, you would be making his suspicions come true ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Milla | 2012-11-29

I think you wouldn''t have made a post asking for advice if there wasn''t atleast a tiny part of you that believed that the chatting might lead to more? Or is it just that you are worried that if your jealous and abusive husband finds out that you have a male friend he will most likely assault you?

Why have you decided to stay with him if he''s abusive and won''t change his ways? Don''t say it''s for kids sake, you know that it''s not a healthy enviroment for them to be brought up in and for them to see a man mistreat his wife? They should be taught that it''s disgraceful behavior and that no one should tolerate it. If he''s abusive then he''s not really a MAN and can''t possibly be a good HUSBAND and I would even say a terrible FATHER aswell. A good husband and father protects his family and teaches his children, by example, to treat the people around them with respect and dignity, an abuser has none of those why have you allowed this man to stay a part of your life? You already know these things so what has been keeping you from leaving?
His threats of leaving you with nothing is emotional blackmail, truth is he can''t really say such things in all certaintity, especially if you have kept your side of it clean. So he''s also manipulative also..

If you believe that this other man will be only a friend and nothing more then go for it, you sound as though you could use a good friend. But keep your side clean until you get out of your marriage, and you really should get out..

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Chantelle L | 2012-11-29

Guys it has nothing to do with a house or anything we/I have acquired over the years. My husband has/is physical and emotionally abusive. He has done this is front of my kids. I’ m not having an affair, but just chatting with this guy. He is a good friend, no strings attached. I’ ve also threatened on numerous occasions to take my kids and leave, but then he changes his ways for a while. When things go wrong, I’ m always the one at fault. Are you saying I should rather stop all communication with this guy and decide if I want to continue with my marriage or leave.

Reply to Chantelle L
Posted by: Milla | 2012-11-29

Your basically asking if it''s ok to start looking at other options or have an affair because your unhappy in your marriage but don''t want to lose your house and lifestyle? No, it''s not ok.

It''s doesn''t matter how badly your husband behaves, it''s not justification for you to behave badly too. There''s no gray area where it''s OK ''because my spouse DROVE me too it''. Either work towards fixing your marriage or do it the right way and leave FIRST, surely worldly belongings such as a house is not as important as your own happiness??

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Leila | 2012-11-28

Leaving your husband is not worth it. Perhaps his jealousy was somewhat justified because there was always a risk of you getting involved with someone else, which has happened.
Think about your kids, they need a stable home with both parents as far as possible. So please fight the feelings off that you may have for this other guy.

Reply to Leila

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