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Question
Posted by: mimi | 2012/10/03

why is this so difficult

Dear Doc
I am in the process of divorcing my husband after 14 years. He has a drinking problem and use to often neglect me and the kids to go out to whom ever was available to get join him to get drunk, he has done all those things like driving under the influence, passing out, humiliating me at social events, to getting aggresive and so the list goes on. Things just got to a point where I have realised for a 2nd time that I will always fight this losing battle. I tried to divorce him about 5 years ago and he/we tried to change , he said that he loves me so much and I felt flattered and decided to give it another try and work on this marraige , well we went for counselling at our church and really worked on our marraige , doc I really tried .... he admitted that he has a problem and stoped his drinking behaviour, unfortuanetly this phase only lasted for a year and it almost felt like I had to compromise myself the whole time inorder to help him , when he was down and depressed I tried to go out of my way to make hm feel better , encouraged him, told him he was my hero and really just tried to build up his self esteen , he does not see it this way and he strated drinking again. Now the 2nd time around he has admitted again to his drinking problem, and he has cried and begged me not to leave him, and is now seeing our pastor at church again and although he has admitted to his drinking problem it is as if he has still not sorting out himself becuase last Sunday evening he spent almost the entire night at one of his old drinking buddies , he told me he had only 4 drinks , as if this will now make it ok ? he is reading all sorts of religious books relating to saving your marraige, he buys me flowers he sends me bible verses every day, he went to my father and played the sympathy card and cried and admiitted to all his faults and my dad phoned me and said that he really thinks that this man can change and has now realised his mistakes .........it is like my hb (almost ex) is targeting all the precious things in my life like my religion and my family and is maybe trying to show me that he can fix those things and tinks that I will fall for it , doc I have no more tears to cry , it feels like my entire life has come to an end ,and if I die today it is also ok ? , I just cant do this anymore , I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow , becuase I also need to heal inside , being married to a person like this really has a toll on your outlook on life and yourself, it is just so hard ........ will he ever change , am I making a mistake to divorce him , no one can say ......... have you ever heard of this type of behaviour , please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

UNless he sincerely recognizes that he has a serious drinking problem and personally wants to work with the right expert assistance to control this. the situation will not improve, as you have found, and its something you cannot do for him.
And church counselling is NEVER ever enough, especially for alcoholism. One really does need more experience and expertise from a psychiatrist and similar professionals ; churcj counsellors can valuably provide extra back-up support.
NO number of drinks is OK, and its wise to stop seeing old drinking buddies altogether.
All alcoholics cry ( usually feeling pity for themselves ) and promise to change - only change theu achieve AND MAINTAIN is worth recognizing.
Your life is not coming to an end, though, freed from his burdens, your life could be in various important and valuable ways, beginning again.
Dont feel guilty for what HE has been doing. Divorce is often wise in this situation, and you should not decide, out of inappropriate guilt, to stick with him. Look after yourself.
If he can sort himself out and stay dry for 4 years, maybe then you can cautiously see him again and decide if its worth trying again.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/03

UNless he sincerely recognizes that he has a serious drinking problem and personally wants to work with the right expert assistance to control this. the situation will not improve, as you have found, and its something you cannot do for him.
And church counselling is NEVER ever enough, especially for alcoholism. One really does need more experience and expertise from a psychiatrist and similar professionals ; churcj counsellors can valuably provide extra back-up support.
NO number of drinks is OK, and its wise to stop seeing old drinking buddies altogether.
All alcoholics cry ( usually feeling pity for themselves ) and promise to change - only change theu achieve AND MAINTAIN is worth recognizing.
Your life is not coming to an end, though, freed from his burdens, your life could be in various important and valuable ways, beginning again.
Dont feel guilty for what HE has been doing. Divorce is often wise in this situation, and you should not decide, out of inappropriate guilt, to stick with him. Look after yourself.
If he can sort himself out and stay dry for 4 years, maybe then you can cautiously see him again and decide if its worth trying again.

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