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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/10/11

why is he lying at councelling or am I at wrong

Dear Doc
My marraige has been going through a very bad patch, we are basically in the process of a divorce but I agreed to go for councelling (last try) as my hb does not want to proceed with the divorce and he feels he can change. At councelling he is blaming me and the kids for his unaccepted behaviour , he admitted to have done wrong but is blaming me and the kids for what he has done , he claims to not feel aprreciated, inorder to to understand what he means (so that if we can work things out I will not do the things which makes him unhappy) I asked him to explain why he felt like he did ? what was the situation that made him feel unappreciated , and doc I have either kissed and hugged a stranger every day of my life but he claims that I never kiss and hug him when he comes from work , so I said to the councellor that it is not true ? and he(husband) then said that I am talking him into a corner ? I am not , I am merely pointing out the facts and truths ? I honestly don''t and can''t give more The councellor has told me (in private) that it is true that he(hb) has many issues , they are working through these but it is going to take a long time, I actually have a private session (with his concent) to see the councellor tomorrow. Can people really " forget"  what good other people gave them and make up issues in their minds to give themselves permission to do ugly things ? why is he lying like this , it makes me so upset

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he cannot take personal responsibility for whatgever he has done, and will only blame others, he will not change for the better ( and no good counsellor should let him consistently get away with this ). Whatever you or the kids might do, he has a free choice as to how he will respond to that - these responses are not helplessly inevitable.
It gets complex ( though it may be useful ) when a counsellor sees a couple AND sees each of them separately, but I think if he sees ONE of the couple separately, he should then also see the other alone. Discuss your concerns with the counsellor. You husband may not be deliberately lying, but describing how he sees things, or wants to see things, and apparently he feels he primary need is to feel justified in his bad choices.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Uju | 2012/10/20

This post makes me realize that there are MANY dieffrence between Canadians like myself and our friendly American neighbors.I can''t say I understand the mentality that one person''s lifestyle choices (ie. smoker, drug user, or chosen obesity) must not be allowed to adversely affect others. Especially if that adverse affect is more money. One of the things I love most about being Canadian is the way we view ourselves AS A WHOLE. If one amongst us needs help whether by their own choices or by God''s choices or just plain bad luck, we would NEVER begrudge them that. Even at our own expense. Literally.I''d like to see more Americans think about the " WE"  and not just the " ME"  of Healthcare reform. As for Obama, I don''t have to agree with everything he does or believes to afford him the same kindness and respect I would anyone else. President or not.That''s just my lowly Canadian Baby opinion.BlogBaby

Reply to Uju
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/11

If he cannot take personal responsibility for whatgever he has done, and will only blame others, he will not change for the better ( and no good counsellor should let him consistently get away with this ). Whatever you or the kids might do, he has a free choice as to how he will respond to that - these responses are not helplessly inevitable.
It gets complex ( though it may be useful ) when a counsellor sees a couple AND sees each of them separately, but I think if he sees ONE of the couple separately, he should then also see the other alone. Discuss your concerns with the counsellor. You husband may not be deliberately lying, but describing how he sees things, or wants to see things, and apparently he feels he primary need is to feel justified in his bad choices.

Reply to cybershrink

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