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Question
Posted by: Elna | 2010/02/11

Why does a good woman cheat?

Because you need love and attention. No one can get up go to work come home go to bed day after day, while your husband works 7 days a week. He does work and he is at this business when I go there so he is not cheating.

The more money he makes the more he works. The longer he says open. Even when he' s closed he' ll stay and fix things up just as to not employ someone.

In the meantime i am bored. How much shopping can you do? How much decorating can you do ? How much gardening? He refuses to take 1 day off except christmas. We never go away for an evening. We don' t go away for a weekend. We don' t go away for a holiday. In 5 years of marriage we only went the 1st year.

When we go to functions I always go alone. Or when he does he gets there late when he closes.

We have not friends because I am always alone. who wants to start a braai after 8pm?

I let us once go to a shrink he went 3 times and then refused as the shrink supposidly always took my side. He refuses to work through a book I bought (fireproof) where you work on your relationship for 40 days and do each day what they tell you to.

Lately we don' t even talk anymore its as if I dont exist to him. When he is home he' ll only talk when spoken to and not even always. If I say something (thats how i feel) he does not think justifies an answer he just ignores me.

Faxes to him, emails to him and sms' s to him he just ignores and he will not talk to me.

Is this why his 1st wife cheated on him? I can see why. It' s not in my nature. It' s not who I am. It' s not that I want love from another man. i want love from my husband. I want an evening away WITH HIM.

But eventually i guess i' ll start looking around, because no woman is an island. I see through the keyhole he' s even wanking in the bathroom mornings before showers. He is just so content with his life I mean nothing.

I cannot see myself living a life like this until I die. regardless of how I look or who i am or what I also deserve to be loved. To be held. To feel great.

I even asked him if he' s making a booking for valentines as we always make something out of it - he ignored me. I then faxed him a restaurant that has great special including a night away. He just ignored me. when i talk about it he just ignores me.

Yes, i have my own single girlfiends but there is only so much one can do with them because you dont want to go where singles go and at night I am at home with the kids.

HELP ME PLEASE.

I cant go for counseling because id have to go alone. i cant talk to him because he does not talk to me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some spouses, most often men, feel that their only duty in a mariage is to "provide" financially, ignoring their emotional / pychological responsibilities

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/02/12

This is not normal. It is normal if you are struggling financially and need to pull some extra time to get back on your feet, but I don' t get the sense that this is the case.
You need to sit him down, and calmly and gently explain your needs, and ask him why he feels the compulsion to spend almost every waking moment away from you. You are his WIFE and his partner in life. Not just the person he happens to live with. Being married doesn' t mean being glued at the hip, but it does mean spending time together. His recent behaviour sounds like he is deeply unhappy or angry or both.
Maybe that will be a good place to start the conversation from - ask him what he needs from you in order to be happy. Tell him you are willing to do anything to make this marriage work, and mean it! If he sees you are willing, maybe that will get through to him.

(I know you are not the one that needs to change, but maybe he' ll be more willing to make an effort if you approach the subject from that angle)

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Elna | 2010/02/12

Thank you all for understanding. Yes, i do keep busy. But I need love - not sex - I need to be held, I need someone to talk to at the end of the day.

Toys - I have one - cannot replace the arms of a loving man around you.

Reply to Elna
Posted by: Elna | 2010/02/12

Thank you all for understanding. Yes, i do keep busy. But I need love - not sex - I need to be held, I need someone to talk to at the end of the day.

Toys - I have one - cannot replace the arms of a loving man around you.

Reply to Elna
Posted by: Me | 2010/02/12

I think you are already keeping yourself busy enough - and as you say, there is only so much you can do with friends, at some point you need affection from your man. This keep yourself busy advice I really don' t like. He is your husband, he has to be there for you. Otherwise what is the point of being married. I really have no advice for you if he won' t even go for councelling - I just wanted to say I hear you. And I want to respond to the people who are telling you to keep yourself busy - marriage is marriage, it SHOULD not be substituted by hobbies.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Just | 2010/02/12

Your husband propably feel that he' s poviding everything for you. The idea of our wives making noice doesn' t settle well with us especially when we focused in making life better. At least he' s wanking, not cheating.

You can also help yourself by buying some toys etc.

The last thing is that you should have your life as well. Nothing is topping you for having fun on your own. Try to keep your mind from him and other bad things by keeping yourself busy. There more in life you can do.

Reply to Just
Posted by: Elna | 2010/02/12

Thank you Hailey - yes i am not like that and will rather break up and go on my own before going into an affair. But it' s hard when all you want is just a hug and some caring every now and then.

I will google kalahari for the book BUT i must say i just feel like " i am not the problem here"  - but how do you save a relationship when only one party is interested?

Reply to Elna
Posted by: Hailey | 2010/02/12

This does sound rather upsetting. Try and do your own thing. He is obv doing this because he is used to you " trying" . Once you start enjoying things without him and doing things to please yourself more instead of him. He would come around. Read the book: If we so inlove why arent we happy by Susan Page. This book I only read after my experience which made it a bit easier. Its hard but it works. I' ve only been at it for 2 days and I can see a difference in MY SPIRITUAL SPIRIT!!! Good luck. I know it aint easy. You are a potential woman at this time for an affair, so becareful. I was very close. Luckily it remained at calls and sms' s and it stopped/faded away before anything could happen. I was VERY WEAK!!! but God was on my side and things just faded. I still find myself thinking about him sometimes and wonder why did it stop. Maybe for the best as if things went further I would of been more over him and then eventually I would have lost my self respect. Although I would not have cared at that point. So as far as it is possible, refrain from affairs as I know you are not like that. All of the best!

Reply to Hailey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/12

Some spouses, most often men, feel that their only duty in a mariage is to "provide" financially, ignoring their emotional / pychological responsibilities

Reply to cybershrink

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