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Question
Posted by: Patricia | 2011/08/31

Why do we fight over silly things?

My husband and I always seems to be fighting over silly things, and in all honesty it seems like I’ m the one starting it. It’ s about stupid things, about him having money when he wants to buy things for himself, but when I want him to buy me something, he doesn’ t have money. And, because I frequent this site and I know how judgmental some of the people are, I don’ t have my own much of my own money to spend because all the insurances go off my account (life, health, car and home contents), I pay for the electricity and we split the groceries and petrol. We fight and I say it’ s convenient that he has money when it suits him, but when it’ s me it’ s always the same story (it’ s not just buying things- it’ s when we go out as well, or rather when HE goes out because when I want to go with he doesn’ t have money). He says things without thinking, like about songs that I like that he doesn’ t- he’ ll really go off about how bad the song is and after his little speech, he’ ll ask me if I like the song. I get angry and I always answer in a moody voice that I don’ t like anything, and then he gets angry because I’ ve got attitude. He offers to help me cook or to make me tea or coffee while I’ m cooking, but when I accept his offer he takes FOREVER to do it (sometimes the kettle is boiled three times before he eventually makes the tea) and I get upset and ask why does he bother to ask if he’ s not going to do it. I ask him please to watch our dog outside (there are gaps in the fence that she gets out of that I need to fix) but then he sits on the couch by the door and watches TV instead (he thinks by sitting by the door he’ s watching her). I ask him to do these things because I’ m busy with other things, like cooking or cleaning or feeding the animals- I don’ t ask him just because I don’ t want to do it. I try and explain to him how I feel but then he ends up saying yeah it’ s always his fault (which I don’ t say) or he’ ll listen but not ACTUALLY listen, or (if we are fighting) he’ ll just say I’ m nagging again, blah blah blah. He just doesn’ t understand, and I can’ t seem to watch my mouth or my moods (I am an extremely moody person, especially when I don’ t sleep well which is very often these days). I don’ t think we’ ve reached the point where we need counseling (we usually get over our fights after a few hours, the longest we fight is a day or two but that is far and few). How do we remedy this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course its not only on the site that people are :judgemental" - everyone else is in real life, too, only they usually don't say it to your face. So it's useful within this website to learn what other people think about the situations we get ourselves into.
I wonder whether the system you have as a couple in terms of dividing expenses, is entirely fair, when considering the amount each needs to pay each month and the amount each of you earns ?
Sounds like he's learned somehow the perfect Passive Aggressive ( as we shrinks call it ) way of working, to kindly ofer to make the tea, and then take so long about it that it's easier for you to do it yourself - but of course he HAS offered !
Can't HE fix the gaps in the fence ? Or are you the only one capable of doing such chores ?
Shouldn't you share the chores around the house fairly, and not only expenses ?
Frankly, wouldn't marriage counselling be a wise investment for you both ? Don't wait until the situation is insoluble before going for help to solve the problems.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: TUSCAN | 2011/09/02

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR AND GO BUY THIS BOOK CALLED, THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, IT WILL DEF HELP YOU GUY.

AS FOR YOU PAYING FOR ALL THAT STUFF, THAT SHOULD STOP, OPEN AN ACCOUNT AND YOU EACH PUT IN HALF OF WHATEVER YOUR EXPENSES ARE. EACH OF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Reply to TUSCAN
Posted by: Caro | 2011/09/01

Of course it has reached the point where you need counselling. If you are feeling so disatisfied and ill-considered now how will you be feeling in a few years because he is not going to change without some work. You are not going to stop nagging without some intervention or a heart-atack. he is inconsiderate in many ways and of course we havent heard his side of the story but it is not necessary to see that he is also a tad unhappy about certain things. I think some shared responsibility emotionally, physically around the house and financially will be in order and a counsellor should tell him this otherwise it will just sound like you are nagging about one more thing.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/31

Of course its not only on the site that people are :judgemental" - everyone else is in real life, too, only they usually don't say it to your face. So it's useful within this website to learn what other people think about the situations we get ourselves into.
I wonder whether the system you have as a couple in terms of dividing expenses, is entirely fair, when considering the amount each needs to pay each month and the amount each of you earns ?
Sounds like he's learned somehow the perfect Passive Aggressive ( as we shrinks call it ) way of working, to kindly ofer to make the tea, and then take so long about it that it's easier for you to do it yourself - but of course he HAS offered !
Can't HE fix the gaps in the fence ? Or are you the only one capable of doing such chores ?
Shouldn't you share the chores around the house fairly, and not only expenses ?
Frankly, wouldn't marriage counselling be a wise investment for you both ? Don't wait until the situation is insoluble before going for help to solve the problems.

Reply to cybershrink

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