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Question
Posted by: Zizi | 2012/10/01

Why do I keep Doing this to Myself?

I don''t know how, but I have a tendency of always setting up myself for failure. Today I feel so stressed and am having flashes of all the things which went wrong in my life. I never seem to get a man of my own and always fall for guys with girlfriends with the hope that if the guy loves me , he will leave the girlfriend and be with me.

The relationship i am in now is so bad, this guy and I were friends for a few years and then we started dating in the middle of the friendship even though he was seeing someone. He has introduced this girl therefore he won''t take me to his house, but I have introduced him to my family as my boyfriend. He spends 90% of his time with me but the moment he tells me that he can''t be with me as he is expected to be with this girl(she stays in another town) my heart breaks. I have tried to end things with this man,b ut he will somehow make me " understand" . We are a very happy couple, but everytime the girlfriend is here , he has these funny moods, is angry and snaps at everyone. I know this whole thing is not good for me, but I continue to stay with him. I love him so much it is not easy to let go. I know that in the end the girlfriend is the one he''ll end up marrying. I want so much to break this chain, but I can''t let go.

I am such a failure.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Letting yourself re-experience and reminisce about all the things that went wrong previously isnt at all helpful, as I'm sure you've discovered. Learn from what went wrong, so as to be better able to avoid it happening again, and move on.
Its not compulsory to "fall" for guys before you know enough about them to know whether they're free and unattached. Take your time, dont give your heart away so darn easily. And in the present case, you knew him for a long time and KNEW he was already attached - so you had no need at all to get so emotionally involved in what you knew was a doomed relationship.
You know he keeps you secret from his family - why on earth then introduce him to your own family ? He does not intend to remain with you long-term, and marriage is no-where on his mind.
When you decide to end things with him, just tell him simply and firmly in a public place ( where he cant cause a scene ) and do NOT get into discussion with him or allow him to talk you out of it. It sounds as though he finds you convenient to pass the time with while the girl he will mary isn't in town.
let go, move on. Don't accept any calls from him and change your number if you can ; delete his number. Get busy with hobbies, work, other friends.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Nini | 2012/10/01


But you have to realise that you are the other woman. Why would you allow yourself to be in that position, and then question the situation when you cannot understand why things dont work out? He is cheating on her with you, and you get upset that he spends time with her? No offence but what did you think was going to happen?

You need to have a little more respect for yourself and move forward without this man. He is keeping you in an unhappy place, however happy you may think he makes you. What is going on with you and this man is unhealthy and the only one suffering any consequences is you! Love yourself enough to want more and to want better. Walk away, as hard as what it is.

Reply to Nini
Posted by: Zizi | 2012/10/01

Thanks, what you have just said to me is true because when the girlfriend is not here all is well. When she is around, though we still spend time together and he would go home at around two if it''s the weekend it''s difficult for me not to be able to to call him or talk to him (he would even tell me not to call he''ll call me) says he is avoiding noise from her.

I am confused because everything else is perfect and he tells me he loves me and he would make me his wife one day but the a few signs i''ve picked up are saying exactly the opposite.

Reply to Zizi
Posted by: qwerty | 2012/10/01

Well, at least you realize how toxic this is, and you know what you need to do. That''s a huge step in the right direction. Now you just need to follow through and leave him.

Remove his number from your phone, do not take any calls from him, change your number if you must. Get a new hobby (something for you that makes you feel empowered) and focus all your energy on that. He clearly does not have any respect for you  why should you respect him?

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/01

Letting yourself re-experience and reminisce about all the things that went wrong previously isnt at all helpful, as I'm sure you've discovered. Learn from what went wrong, so as to be better able to avoid it happening again, and move on.
Its not compulsory to "fall" for guys before you know enough about them to know whether they're free and unattached. Take your time, dont give your heart away so darn easily. And in the present case, you knew him for a long time and KNEW he was already attached - so you had no need at all to get so emotionally involved in what you knew was a doomed relationship.
You know he keeps you secret from his family - why on earth then introduce him to your own family ? He does not intend to remain with you long-term, and marriage is no-where on his mind.
When you decide to end things with him, just tell him simply and firmly in a public place ( where he cant cause a scene ) and do NOT get into discussion with him or allow him to talk you out of it. It sounds as though he finds you convenient to pass the time with while the girl he will mary isn't in town.
let go, move on. Don't accept any calls from him and change your number if you can ; delete his number. Get busy with hobbies, work, other friends.

Reply to cybershrink

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