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Question
Posted by: bonolo | 2012/04/22

why am i not excited when my baby''s father asked to marry me

i am 37 and he is 39 yrs. we dated for 7 years and then we had a baby boy, who is now 7 years. after the baby was born, my eyes got open and realised that he needs to improve re: alcohol abuse, financially dependency on me and financial mismanagemnt. he also said i need to improve on my bad temper and manners.

i then break the relationship and told him that he is free to come see his son and we remained frientds for the baby''s sake.
2 years later he came back and told me that we must marry and i said im not interested. his business did well and he paid me back the 4000 rands he owed me.

i started dating other guys and he would call then and ask them to leave me alone cos he wants to marry me. and they would loose interest.

to be frank he is a loving person but i do not feel anything for him. he has improved a lot on the things that we used to fight on. last week he proposed that we get married and i was not excited at all. why do i feel like this> ? i went for counselling and the shrink said i must forget about the unpleasant memories of the past and marry this person.

he is an entreprenuer and sometimes he makes profit and sometimines not. now he got a contract for 4 months and it pays him 12 000 rands per month. he took this matter further and spoke to my mom and she said i must marry him for the baby''s sake cos, she does not imagine another man raising the child and it may not be a pleasant upbringing for the child. i felt very sad when i was listening to my mum talking and how excited she is that theres going to be a wedding celebration.

another advantage is that we are in the same religion, althought not baptised yet but we have done the bible study program years back. i think it will be best if i get baptized and then put kingdom interest first then maybe i will get a brother to marry me - although this is not a guarantee that I will get someone.

please advice



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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you began to be more realistic in what you expected from a husband, after the birth of the child. But it sounds as though he has inded shown love towards you, and has put some considerable effort into improving himself and attending to the faults in his behaviour which you earlier identified.
Maybe more counselling would help to clarify your thinking and feelings here. You are not invited to marry the man he used to be - apparently, that has changed. Maybe it'd be useful to realistically review whether the man he is now, is worth marrying. The child would benefit from consistent caring parents, not necessarily from one specific person raher than another. Love between those who parent him, is beneficial to a child, rather than a loveless marriage.
Mothers are not neutral sometimes they long for a proper traditional wedding,and overlook the actual feelings of their child about the matter.
And I agree with maria in being shocked at the shrink's advice. Yes, there is value in your letting go of past hurts rather than dwelling on and in them ; but a shrink shouldn't tell you whether or not to marry someone, only to help you reach yorur own decisions

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: bonolo | 2012/04/23

very true cybershrink, i began to be more realistic after the baby was born.

i acknowledge that he has improved a lot and have told him as well.

i will consider going for further counselling.

i agree he can be part of the upbringing. he cautioned that if i marry someone else, then that person should not talk to his child and the child will leave with him.

im interested in his bank balance because if i were to marry him, i do not want a situation when i sometimes have to buy grocers or give him money for taxi fare or have to assist him with money cos business is not well.

with the 4 months contract, he is an employee on some company. he said they have plans to open a very big veggie store together with friends and the store is about to be build. but the question is will this be able to sustain us. if it does not work out then do i pay for everthing for the family?

he said he will not look for someone else since its gonna be hard to find someone like me and i made it clear what my stand is and told him to think differently.

Reply to bonolo
Posted by: Maria | 2012/04/23

Don''t just settle for someone you don''t WANT to marry, that will only end in tears and it''s really better to rather be single. I can''t believe the psychologist gave you that advice. Yes, letting go of past hurts can be empowering for you, but that doesn''t mean you have to marry the guy. Be friends for your son''s sake but nothing more. And tell him to butt out of your love life, it''s no concern of his.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: green | 2012/04/23

I wouldn''t imagine gettng married to the person I don" t love. The child will grow uo, in fact he can be part of the upbringing but doesn''t need to be with you

For what you said, you don''t love him but looking at his financial situation than love.

Do the right thing, follow your heart not bank balance

Reply to green
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/23

Maybe you began to be more realistic in what you expected from a husband, after the birth of the child. But it sounds as though he has inded shown love towards you, and has put some considerable effort into improving himself and attending to the faults in his behaviour which you earlier identified.
Maybe more counselling would help to clarify your thinking and feelings here. You are not invited to marry the man he used to be - apparently, that has changed. Maybe it'd be useful to realistically review whether the man he is now, is worth marrying. The child would benefit from consistent caring parents, not necessarily from one specific person raher than another. Love between those who parent him, is beneficial to a child, rather than a loveless marriage.
Mothers are not neutral sometimes they long for a proper traditional wedding,and overlook the actual feelings of their child about the matter.
And I agree with maria in being shocked at the shrink's advice. Yes, there is value in your letting go of past hurts rather than dwelling on and in them ; but a shrink shouldn't tell you whether or not to marry someone, only to help you reach yorur own decisions

Reply to cybershrink

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