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Question
Posted by: Sophie | 2010/07/22

who''s abusing who

I''ve been with this bf for almost 2 years! we discussed marriage but he doesnt act like he''s ready for marriage. I am 31 and he is 35! we used to live together until i asked him to leave my house as he was not making any contributions - i''m not even sure that he has a job. He will visit me and stay over without my permission for days in the week, now when it comes to Friday night, he acts like a 16 year old party anima! His family is well off (cousins) so they buy him alcohol and go to places with him for free! he will not take my calls on weekends and when he does, he will tell me how controlling i am and how i want him to always be with me! Come Tuesday evening - he will show up (drunk) and he''ll refuse to leave my house. This happened for about 3 times and i''ve just realised that he is using me and i am at risk of contracting God knows what (we tested hiv negative previously - x3). Last night he showed up -drunk as ever and i refused to open for him and he decided he was going to camp outside my house! eventually my aunt(60yrs old) said i should talk to him - i opened the door and tried to talk to him (Big Mistake) he carried on like a lunatic - talking non stop and senseless things, i was embarassed to the core!

I asked him if he could come today so that we could talk things over and asked if he could please be sober - he refused ok! when i was about to close the door - he literally pulled me out of the house, my necklaces broke infront of my family and i got really irritated and furious and i hit him hard and he fell against a wall bumping his head! I thought he would just go and leave me alone! guess what, he showed up 30 minutes later and i decided to accommodate him - just to avoid the dram as the neighbours were now listening to our argument! we went to the outside cottage where i slept in the same bed with him (i still care about this man) in the middle of the night he wanted us to make up and i refused and he was just pulling my panties down and i threw a glass full of cold water at him! did he stop no - this went on for about two hours! eventually we managed to sleep - at 3am he started with his nonsense again! i had to literally fight him off me! he thinks i don''t have a right to say no to him because i''m his " vrou" 

When i decided to get out of bed at 5am, the vicious cycle began and fought again!!! now i feel bad that he''s got scratches and bumps from me but i really need to know if i am to be blamed here! what kills me is that part of this happens infront of my 6 year old and i don''t want him to think that violence is the way to go!

Sorry for taking so much space

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some people might say he sounds like a lazy bum - he seems to have been blatantly sponging off you for some time. As he gets all the advantages and sponsorship already, why would he want to get married ? At 16, a "party animal" may be tolerab le. At 35 it is tragic, and indicates someone who refuses to grow up - certainly you're describing someone uninterested in accepting adult responsibilities.
If he shows up drunk, refuse to let him in, and if he makes problems, call the police and have him arrested. Indeed, tell him its over and that you already have a child - but one that unlike him, is choosing to actually grow up and that IT IS OVER with him. The go to court and get a restraining roder to keep him away from both of you.
Stop engaging with him ; stop feeling embarrassed on his behalf, and stop letting him in. If he breaks the terms of the restraining order, have him arrested - and let him go to jail if he so chooses. What on earth do you find woarth caring about in this aging infant ?
And exposing a child to this idiot is not good for you or the child. Talking it over with him is obvious pointless. Action - evict him, exclude him and get the restraining order

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Unbelieve | 2010/07/23

35yrs and behaving like that! you not even sure if he has a job? Good luck my love.

Reply to Unbelieve
Posted by: Sophie | 2010/07/22

Sam, this does not happen all the time - i know it should not be happening but we''ve talked about it for several months and Yes i was hoping that he would act like an adult! I have participated in all this drama that is why i drew the line last night!

Reply to Sophie
Posted by: SAM | 2010/07/22

He has no respect for you, and that will never change. If he wanted you as his wife, he would treat you well and you''d know that he wants you as his lady. You have no respect for yourself for staying in this kind of relationship. He does not love you, it''s the hard truth. Why then are you with him? I promise you, you can do better, no matter who you are. Why are you putting your 6 year old through this - it''s irresponsible and there is no exuse for this, for heavens sake.

Reply to SAM
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/22

Some people might say he sounds like a lazy bum - he seems to have been blatantly sponging off you for some time. As he gets all the advantages and sponsorship already, why would he want to get married ? At 16, a "party animal" may be tolerab le. At 35 it is tragic, and indicates someone who refuses to grow up - certainly you're describing someone uninterested in accepting adult responsibilities.
If he shows up drunk, refuse to let him in, and if he makes problems, call the police and have him arrested. Indeed, tell him its over and that you already have a child - but one that unlike him, is choosing to actually grow up and that IT IS OVER with him. The go to court and get a restraining roder to keep him away from both of you.
Stop engaging with him ; stop feeling embarrassed on his behalf, and stop letting him in. If he breaks the terms of the restraining order, have him arrested - and let him go to jail if he so chooses. What on earth do you find woarth caring about in this aging infant ?
And exposing a child to this idiot is not good for you or the child. Talking it over with him is obvious pointless. Action - evict him, exclude him and get the restraining order

Reply to cybershrink

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