Posted by: HI | 2008-11-06

Who we are

Are children a product of their parents love, interest and acceptance OR lack thereof?

I find my parents very mean and condescending, though it' s very subtle. In the way they raised me and my brother and then of course how they raised my sister, who is much younger than I am. My brother and I were beaten and threatened, the only children who sat up straight in church at 2/3 years old (out of fear). My sister was never taught anything, no respect or discipline. For many years I wondered why, whether my parents were just tired of raising children (she was not planned). Then there' s always been the talk that she could be my half sister, cause she looks so much different than her siblings (people have been talking ever since she was born). Makes sense when I think of the past - dad always rejecting and mom always defending.

I was told that tests have been done and on another occassion that no tests were done, but that the vasectomy was not successful. Is that even possible? Why would he then be reminded of my mom' s infidelity everyday when he has to bear my sister' s presence (as I over heard..). Mom has admitted that she did cheat those many years ago, but they then also realized that my dad' s procedure was not successful, and in anycase who shares this type of info with their children?? I don' t know what to believe. I sense there' s something else going on.

The girl is so damaged. Always sensing the resentment and rejection. I may be wrong, but from the looks of it a needy, selfish and ambitionless person was created from this big mess. She' s depressed, hates herself and has no personality whatsoever. She has no discipline or respect and most people she gets involved with also end up rejecting her (all with good reason). She has no savvy and normally can' t understand when someone is angry with her. She can' t solve problems and is usually in denial when she has pushed things too far. She does make a lot of trouble for herself.

She did not finish school and is sick all the time. Stomach ulcers, nausea, head aches the list goes on and on. Most of which emerge when she' s made a mess of things. She works full time and relies on her looks to get her what she wants, she sleeps around too. Does not eat healthy, already looks anorexic and now that she' s busy with modelling she is so conscious about her weight.

I' m worried, very worried!

I do love her. Most days (when we are not fighting) we are the best of friends. We used to go out together a lot, before I got pregnant. I wouldn' t care if she was only my half sister, it would not make a difference to our relationship. I just want the truth. It' s been 19 years, I think it' s time. I want to understand why my parents treat each other the way they do, why does my father walk all over my mother and why does she insist on being treated like a dog? Is it guilt? And if this was the case, why does he treat her this way when he' s the one that decided to stay?

I' m just fed up. How dare two people ruin a childs life to this extent? How is she to blame? She did not ask to be born and if she' s not my dad' s why should she pay for it.

I have finally lost all respect for my parents. I walk around with this frustration towards my father for the way he treats my mother everyday and I want to know whether my feelings are valid.

I have asked the questions (to my mom) over and over again. Sometimes I get different answers or more info, mostly she tells me of the vasectomy, gets frustrated and then cries? My dad has always been absent in his presence, all I ever got from him was a beating (' hiding' ), so we don' t talk. We' ve got no relationship whatsoever.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

We are all affected by what we inherit and what we experience ; by how our parents treat us, AND how we respond to that.
Yes, it's possible for a vasectomy to be unsuccessful, and that's why when one is done, tests ought to be conducted afterwards to check this.
I understand why you would want to know "the truth" about whatever has been happening in your family, but I doubt that any of them will want to tell you, or that you could be sure it was the truth even if they did tell you something. Where parents "ruin" a child's life, or at least damage her potential, its usually not done deliberately, but with (wrong ) beliefs that whatever they're doing will be for her own good. Parenting is the most dificult and important thing anyone is allowed to do without training or passing an exam before they start.
You don't mention your own age, but shouldn't you be working towards eventually leaving home and developing your own happy life, rather than focussing so much on the past and within your family ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Me | 2008-11-07

Sounds to me like you have some sort of envy towards this sister of yours, maybe you dont realise it but it sounds that way...just support your sister, stop thinking about the fact that she might be your half sister, appreciate your family, look for the positive things about your relationship with them. Life is to short to hold grudges and think about negative things all the time

Reply to Me
Posted by: HI | 2008-11-06

Hi CS,

Thanks and with regards to your last paragraph - easier said than done.

Reply to HI

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