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Question
Posted by: Devistated | 2009/11/16

Who to confront and how?

Good morning, my wife has been acting suspiciously of late, so I checked her Facebook account (logged on with her cell), and stumbled accross some incriminating messages to this other man. I asked her if she has something going on with another man, and she denies it, she tells me she' s been honest about who she talks to and hasn' t left anything out. Although I know she' s lieing, backed up by the fact that she hasn' t ever mentioned this other guy. I want to confront her on this, but don' t want to tell her how I got the info. Surely it' s irrelevant as to how I found out? The point is she lied to me, and still is. How do I confront her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

"confrontation " has become peculiarly fashionable, recommended usually by naive quacks who don't understand human psychology. Obviously, there are occasions when confrontatiopns are necessary, but far less commonly than most people seem nowadays to think.
However, in a situation such as you describe, you obviously need to discuss this with her.
But you have run into another inevitable conundrum. You may be suspicious, and have your suspicions denied. But when you use sneaky methods to find eidence, you are then stuck with the problem that you can only use such evidence by revealing the sneaky way you obtained it.
I don't know the way round that, as I'm usually not clever enough to be sneaky.
YOu could reveal what you know, and how - and try to stop her switching the discussion to her outrage at you geting into her Faebook section. Maybe one could approach it by asking why any wife or husband who is being honest and faithful would ever need to have a secret place on the web to which their spouse does not have free access ( I can't think of any honest reason for doing so ) - and calmly challenge her to access that web-page and show you how innocent it is.
Of course you could inform the other man that you dont appreciate his attgention to your wife ( with or without revealing how mch you know, and how you know it ) , and/or to notify his girlfriend.
The resuts of each of these actions are largely unpredictable, especially where they involve people you don't know very well.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/11/16

Cheating, lying, selfishness, irresponsibility,immaturity and downright ugliess is the order of the day I' m afraid. I attribute this to too much money being available, a lack of religious upbringing, not necessairly Christian, and a lack of parental guidance and example. People seem to have an attitude of entitlement and are not prepared to tough out problems or to make do on limited funds. There is a tendency to be always looking for something better and more exciting.
Trust is paramount in a partnership and in any marriage worth its salt there are no secrets and no structured " private time"  Each being totally devoted to the other. The private time or me time is something that develops naturally in any healthy relationship.
In your case I regret to say, but its time you called her bluff and be prepared to move on. Confront her and get it over with. Good luck, stand firm and don' t beg.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: iriemonkeyman | 2009/11/16

i just dont understand whats up nowadays with the cheating and unfaithfullness...it seems to be becoming a serious plague and rapidly on the increase :-(

Reply to iriemonkeyman
Posted by: Rick | 2009/11/16

She is cheating on you and is lying. Why else would she be so secretive, what else has she been doing??

Its over mate, you dont trust her anymore, and when that is gone, there is nothing left. Im sorry.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Devistated | 2009/11/16

Thanks, the subject of passwords was discussed between us. She says she has a right to privacy and is entitled to some private space, however a few months ago, she saw her slutty friend trying to contact me, which I ignored, when she questioned me about it I stated that there was nothing going on, and gave her full access as proof, because there was nothing going on. Yet she maintains that she' s entitled to her privacy.
That' s why I feel I need to tell her I know she' s lying, should I omit as to how I got the info? or do I tell her? I only thought of checking on her because I noticed a change in behaviour, before that I never felt the need to .

Reply to Devistated
Posted by: Devistated | 2009/11/16

I forgot to mention, I also know the details of the other man, do I confront him, and do I let his Girlfriend know? Or do I leave him alone and tell his girlfriend about what' s going on?

Reply to Devistated
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/16

"confrontation " has become peculiarly fashionable, recommended usually by naive quacks who don't understand human psychology. Obviously, there are occasions when confrontatiopns are necessary, but far less commonly than most people seem nowadays to think.
However, in a situation such as you describe, you obviously need to discuss this with her.
But you have run into another inevitable conundrum. You may be suspicious, and have your suspicions denied. But when you use sneaky methods to find eidence, you are then stuck with the problem that you can only use such evidence by revealing the sneaky way you obtained it.
I don't know the way round that, as I'm usually not clever enough to be sneaky.
YOu could reveal what you know, and how - and try to stop her switching the discussion to her outrage at you geting into her Faebook section. Maybe one could approach it by asking why any wife or husband who is being honest and faithful would ever need to have a secret place on the web to which their spouse does not have free access ( I can't think of any honest reason for doing so ) - and calmly challenge her to access that web-page and show you how innocent it is.
Of course you could inform the other man that you dont appreciate his attgention to your wife ( with or without revealing how mch you know, and how you know it ) , and/or to notify his girlfriend.
The resuts of each of these actions are largely unpredictable, especially where they involve people you don't know very well.

Reply to cybershrink

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