Posted by: Unsure | 2012-11-29

Where''s the support?

Please help  in January I broke off my engagement with my fiance. We had been together for 8 years, just moved in together and were to be married in August. After we broke up I had to move in with my best friend and her husband due to financial problems, this caused major animosity as the guys were very good friends aswell. I have since gotten in contact with an old school friend(we " dated"  when we where 13) and we starting seeing each other. He lives in Cape Town and I''m in Johannesburg but we''ve managed to make it work for the past 7 months and I''ve never been this happy or content with myself. I found my heart in Cape Town during visits and in him and I have decided to relocate to Cape Town as soon as my friend has had her baby. I broke this exciting news to my friends but was shocked at the response I got. They all(aside from my mother-she knows him) met him briefly in July and it seems that they have doubts. My friend''s husband whose opinion I value more than anyone''s told me that the guy''s too soft for me, that there''s something funny about him and that he doesnt foresee the relationship going anywhere-my concern is that he barely had a conversation with him- but he immediately liked my ex when they met yet my ex messed around with other woman so how good is his judge of character then? They have become my family and he looks after me like I''m his but my 2 best friends have nothing but demotivating l words to offer. I now have doubts about relocating and they have planted seeds about this new relationship, I feel that they''re not giving him a fair chance and they''re being negative regarding the move as they might not want to lose me? I have had to learn to be on my own again, found my independance and my inner voice and this will be the first real decision I make for myself but I need their support and understanding. Am I being stupid here? Do they have a valid point and is this relationship only a rebound? Will I be messing up my life,surely it wont be that bad? I fear my judgement might be clouded by the overwhelming feeling love? I have prayed for answers and signs and believe that I''ve gotten them, this man has a good heart and has turned my life around but I feel I will be betraying them if I choose to go? I need an outsiders opinion on the mess that is my life???

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Our expert says:
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After the break-up with your fiancee ( you don't mention why you chose to break this relationship off though you hint that he was cheating ) isn't it understandable and even nice, that your friends might worry that with this new relationship you have been setting your heart on, it might also not work out, and maybe they think you should take it a bit more slowly and avoid making major committments at the other side of the country, until you have even better reasons for being even more sure this is right ?
Is there a good reason for rushing ahead at this time, rather than taking it easy and becoming more sure, based not on an "inner voice" but on more extended actual experience ? Presumably, before you found out he was cheating, you felt similarly sure about how great your ex-fiancee was, or surely you would not have become engaged to him ?
After such a major disappointment, its easy to be too eager to rush into a new relationship which proves comforting, ego-boosting and, without due caution, might also end unhapilly ?
All relationships ten to feel marvellous in their first few months, and the problems emerge later - you have experienced this, drmatically, yourself. And as Candice asks, will you be genuinely independent if you move to CT, or would you be staying with him, and maybe even dependent on him till you found work and a place of your own ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: CANDICE | 2012-11-29

If I was in your situation I would just go really slowly with any big decisions that you make after such a huge break up - you were engaged to be married to another man now you are want to move thousands of km''s to be with someone else.

If you move are you going to be independent? Do you have a job? Are you going to live by yourself or with your new bf? My experience is that the first few months are always wonderful and airey fairy - the challenges only set in later. Thats why make sure if you do move you do not need his support. How ever negative it might sound you have to think of the possibility of it not working out!

Your friends love you - listen to them. They want whats best for you. Your judgement might be clouded as you just want happiness. Take your time dont rush it - try spend more time with him while you still have your life,job and friends in JHB. Personality traits only come up later when different situations arise. See how he reacts with family and friends. What is the rush?

Try look at your situation from an outsiders point of view and maybe that will help you see things differently. Hope things work out for you!

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