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Question
Posted by: nn | 2011/02/21

where is the spark????

I am a bit confused and also feeling a bit shallow because i feel the way that I do. I have been single since May last year. The guy i was with really hurt me and then i decided to just stay single for a while and have a bit of fun. 3 weeks ago I met this guy. Really nice. He is 31 and i am 27. I would not say he is drop dead gorgeous but he is average I guess. He needs to hit the gym but i would not say he is fat. Ok, not to blow my own horn but I am good looking and I gym 4 times a week. Ok now to my problem –  this guy is really nice and we get on really well and have a good time together. The thing is that I am not feeling that special “ spark” . It has only been 3 weeks so maybe it still needs to develop. He is everything I need and want in a guy (ok except the looks –  see this is why i feel shallow). He has a good job, nice car, does motor cross, has tons of friends and knows how to have a good time. I am tired of going for the good looking guys because they are vain and mainly i find they cheat. But this guy has such good looking friends and then I think to myself that i wish he was as good looking as them. Yes I am being shallow and I am also worried because I do not have that “ spark”  feeling. Is it because i have been single for too long to allow myself to fall for someone? I know part of it is my being shallow. I really do like him and i have also not slept with him due to the fact that I do not know if I am actually sexually attracted to him (think we need to stop going out with is good looking friends so much and maybe just spend time getting to know him). He is everything i need in a guy but will the spark ever develop? I am so confused and i do not want to land up losing a great guy.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Are you looking for a mate or a friend ? Sometimes its good not to focus too much on bed-mates / husbands, and have some friends as well. This lets you get to know people, and you don't need to reject them just because they don't excite you sexually ( you probably have a number of female friends, and don't expect them to turn you on sexually ).
I wonder why you ever felt you had to "go for the good-looking guys" ? it sounds as though you might have fairly low self-esteem, and are afraid to be seen with a guy who OTHER women won't admire. You're right that very attractive people are often shallow and unsatisfactory partners because they have never needed to be anything except good-looking.
There is certainly shallowness in what you say. He is "everything you want in a man" -except for love and sex - but he has attractive job and car. Do you want to marry the guy or the car ?
Maybe you need to think more deeply about what you actually want from a long-term relartionship. Someone who is a fashion accessory and gets you admired by others ? Or a loving, kind, good person worth spending time with ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Jamie | 2011/02/22

i know how u feel, in the same boat

Reply to Jamie
Posted by: MOTHER | 2011/02/21

QUOTE
i have also not slept with him due to the fact that I do not know if I am actually sexually attracted to him

YOU should not be sleeping with him because u have only known him 3 weeks!

Reply to MOTHER
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/21

Are you looking for a mate or a friend ? Sometimes its good not to focus too much on bed-mates / husbands, and have some friends as well. This lets you get to know people, and you don't need to reject them just because they don't excite you sexually ( you probably have a number of female friends, and don't expect them to turn you on sexually ).
I wonder why you ever felt you had to "go for the good-looking guys" ? it sounds as though you might have fairly low self-esteem, and are afraid to be seen with a guy who OTHER women won't admire. You're right that very attractive people are often shallow and unsatisfactory partners because they have never needed to be anything except good-looking.
There is certainly shallowness in what you say. He is "everything you want in a man" -except for love and sex - but he has attractive job and car. Do you want to marry the guy or the car ?
Maybe you need to think more deeply about what you actually want from a long-term relartionship. Someone who is a fashion accessory and gets you admired by others ? Or a loving, kind, good person worth spending time with ?

Reply to cybershrink

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