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Question
Posted by: Constant | 2008/09/11

Where does problem lie?with me or him?

My boyfriend &  I have been dating for almost 4 years... Over the past 2 years or so we have not been intimate at all. He has changed, he goes out alot and drinks alot and say he does that because I am not intimate with him. I am the way I am because he is never home, drinks alot etc. He sees me as the problem, and I see him as the problem. We broke up for about a month because he said he needed time... he had his time and then decided to come back, but in that time I found out that he almost had a thing with a married woman, he said he went for her because she said all the right things to him at the right ime and made him feel special. How am I suppose to make him feel special if he is never home, and forever wanting to go drinking and be with his friends. He says I am just a glorified roommate to him because I do give him sex. When just the other day he said to me he understands why I am like I am, because he wouldnt want to like next to a drunk all the time. The other day we had a fight over one of his female friends.. I jokingly said that she is afetr him, and he tooks it way too far.. he said stuff about me probably sleeping around when he left me etc.... he really hurt me when he said that, because he knows its not true. I said I will go get help to get me back onto the right path emotionally and stuff, but he needs to help me as well by not doing all the stuff he does, then he says, well he thinks I am the one with the problem...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why don't people in your situation think of some sessions of relationship counselling, not as a form of glue to bind you together, but as a way of learning to understand yourselves and each other far more, and of evaluating whether the relationship can or even should be saved. Mikky makes this mistake, seeing such counselling as a way of forcing a couple to stay together, rather than an opportunity to learn about relationships, including the present one.
He seems to see himself as owing you no companionship, with your role just as a convenient supplier of sex--- what sort of relationship is that ? Its not you who need help to accept his demands, either both of you admit there are problem you both contribute to, or break up.
What good reason is there for accepting the phoney blame he places on you ? What good reason is there for staying together ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there!! | 2008/09/11

Get out of the relationship while you can, he is doing what he wants to when he wants to, and then blames you for his faults... I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years and he still does not admit that he has a problem.... the difference between you and me, is that we have children involved, and we are married, you are not.. you deserve much better!! you know it!!! find love with someone who wants to spend time with you and love you for who you are, and the lovemaking will come naturally...

Reply to Been there!!
Posted by: Maria | 2008/09/11

Mikky, I agree with you to a large extent, but they' ve already been together for 4 years. That' s quite a long time and I assume she stuck around because there was something worth staying for. If there wasn' t then she should leave as soon as she can.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: mikky | 2008/09/11

screw couples counselling when you are not even married yet...

I dont understand everyones suggestion that problems can be resolved through couples counselling.

The whole point of not being married is to find the person we would like to spend the rest of our lives with. You either fit with each other or you dont and you move on until you find someone who does....

Am I wrong? I can understand counselling to save a marriage, but your youth is supposed to be spent trying to find that person who fits your requirements and you fit theirs. Am I being too simple?

Reply to mikky
Posted by: Maria | 2008/09/11

The problem seems to lie between you, rather just with one of you. If you really see a future together, then go for couples counselling. But you must realise that he will only change if he wants to, not because you want him to. If you don' t see a future together, break up and find someone who appreciates you more.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: SR | 2008/09/11

Constant = If you had to remove your emotion from the equasion and look at your life what do you see when you analyse your situation with this man? What would your advice be to yourself?

Act on it

Reply to SR

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